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To stay or to leave engagement.
Hey I’m new to posting and well I could really do with advice.
ive been in a 4 year relationship 2 in which I have been engaged.
we’ve had a lot of ups and downs ranging from online cheating. After every time I stayed because I loved him and that I believed he’d change. The last time he did it was just after we got engaged. I left but took him back not long after afraid I’d be alone. the last year has been different I see and notice things I didn’t before he tells me he loves me but I fear he only says it and doesn’t truly mean it. He doesn’t want to talk to me, do things with me. It’s like he’s cast me aside. I’ve tried to make plans to encourage him but I’m shut down every time. We fight and he tells me I’m small minded that I’m not smart enough to understand it or remember it. That he’s boss and I should do as he says. He wanted to move with his family but that meant giving up all my hopes and dreams for my career. I told him I didn’t. He honestly didn’t care what I wanted because he said we where moving and that was it. He’s finally agreed to stay but now I want to post pone the wedding as it’s 4 months away and I don’t know if getting married is the right thing? I’m a hopeless romantic I need spontaneous and affection though I crave the small gestures nothing to elaborate. A simple I love you no matter what. Kind of thing. Though I don’t even get that. He sits on his PlayStation and I feel like I’m jut apart of the furniture. I leve to do things and he gets cranky I love exercise and he hates me doing it in fear someone would try to chat me up at the gym.
Hes refusing to postpone the wedding even though I said I’m not ready.
Not only because I’m not sure about our relationship but because I no longer see myself when I look in the mirror I no longer know who I am. I want so many things but I feel like they are out of reach . That or he doesn’t approve of them.
what should I do? Stay, leave, find myself , accept it and deal with what I have?
i don’t post here much anymore.
From what you’ve said I would cut ties with him and re-establish your self of self
trust me, it’s much better to do it now than when you’re married
these feelings won’t go away. They might take a holiday whilst the wedding vibes take hold but they’ll be back stronger than ever
so do yourself a favour and find the real you. If he really is acting the way you say, he sounds like a DH
Hi and welcome DayDreamer;
Whew! This is a really triggering issue for me, but seeing as no-one else has replied, I'll bite the bullet and give it to you straight ok. (Btw, it's been a really busy weekend with many people wanting to talk about suicide so I apologise for the late response; really sorry hun)
I have my own story which eerily resembles yours. There are questions you might want to ask yourself. I learned these the hard way.
- Do you actually 'like' your fiance? Being friends makes the big stuff, small stuff.
- Can you see your fiance as a functional and loving parent, husband and provider in the future considering who he is 'today'?
- Are your needs met?
- Does he ever start a conversation about you or your day or does he gravitate to himself whether you're talking or not?
- Do you find yourself giving in to him more than you should?
- Do you cry more than you think you should?
- Are you scared of him; physically, mentally or emotionally?
- Would you consider him selfish or narcissistic?
- Does he 'value' you as a woman and someone who loves him?
- Does his plans for the future include you and your needs/desires?
- Do - you - like - him?????
Answer these questions, then ask yourself one more; Why am I still with him?
I can't write anymore tonight as I'm spent, but I'll be happy to engage tomorrow. Please don't let my abrupt tone scare you. I have a really painful history with a man I should've left 4 yrs before I did. (I still have my engagement ring)
As well I've been on this laptop for a whole day. Please, I'm not making excuses ok. You're so important to me. I want what's best for you. Walking away or staying is up to you. I'll support you whichever direction you take. I truly care... please keep talking...
Kind and warm thoughts;
I'm so happy Sez has mentioned so many good points for you to consider and all the 11 points certainly need for you to go through each one and ask yourself.
I started reading your comment and the first few lines you made have summed it up pretty well.
You've taken him back after he's been cheating on you and from what else you've said certainly indicates how you are feeling because you can't
You want to postpone your marriage, doesn't that indicate something, plus a hopeless romantic, craving affection like any couple who are engaged should feel.
Does this answer your question, and pleased to hear back from you and remember to visit your GP if you want their opinion.
Best wishes to you.
OMG you poor thing. What an awful place your in. When I read your post I went cold all over becoz it reminds me so much of what I went thru, some time back now. I had to leave, I loved him, but he didn’t really love me, he used me and it broke my heart.
I think you are dreaming Dreamer, but it sounds more like a nightmare to me, from what you say there doesn’t seem to be anything good in the relationship at all, nothing good for you. It sounds like your heart is already broken.
You DON’T deserve what you are getting, you DO deserve so much more
having a romantic heart is a lovely thing to have, but you need to stand up for yourself Dreamer, be strong, be practical and logical.
read your post again Dreamer and then the posts of the others who have replied to you - to me the messages are screaming loud and clear.
be strong, be logical, be practical - look after YOU ❤️
You make a lot of good points.
I feel as though I walk on eggshell around him as I’m scared to start an argument. I’m so tired of fighting. I’ve given in to him so many times and I’m sick of it.
He makes me feel worthless some days but on other days it’s like he’s all over me and loving.
But im scared he isn’t enough. I fell like he cuts me down instead of building me up.
I want someone to push me, to challenge myself to be outgoing and just live. (The way I use too be) Though I feel like he does the opposite.
He wouldn’t even come out for my 21st I understand he doesn’t like going out drinking but he refuse to come on a night that meant a lot.
he then was cranky when he came to get me and made me feel guilty for going out.
Though in saying all of this he tells me he is dealing with things to and that’s why he is the way he is. His family moved away from him after telling him 3 weeks before. I understand it’s hard but I am still here and he tells me he’s alone and doesn’t have anyone.
He suffers from social anxiety as he has trouble talking and connecting with others. I have tried to help him. My councillor believes he too needs to speak to someone but he refuses. I know everyone seeks help when they are ready but I fell like I’m just in limbo.
You've had a lot of great advice given here Daydreamer. And I think in your own words you have the answers you're looking for.
He makes me feel worthless some days
he cuts me down instead of building me up.
I’ve given in to him so many times and I’m sick of it.
This feelings are the opposite of what you should have in a healthy relationship where the other person cares about you. The example you gave about him not even attending your 21st is indicative of his selfishness. Sure he's socially anxious, but he should at least be making an effort to deal with that so that he can attend events like that for and with you. He is refusing counselling though it seems he needs it. He is not meeting your needs. He doesn't make you feel good about yourself. In fact he makes you feel worthless. There is no excuse for that, I'm sorry. And I do not see this getting better for you, only worse. Engagement should be an exciting, romantic time. If you feel like this now he will not magically change if you marry him, you'll just be more trapped than you feel already.
if you were a friend of mine and I saw this happening, I would say 'leave him'. There are many good men out there (I know it seems sometimes like there are not, but there are), you deserve one who puts you first and would never make you feel worthless. But you can only find a man like that if you cut your ties with this one. I know it is scary to think of breaking off a relationship, of telling everyone the wedding is off. But imagine what your life would be like if you married him and things never got better than this? Isn't that a more terrifying prospect?
Take care of yourself Daydreamer. Wishing you strength.
Hmm I guess your right to be honest I think I know what I want but I’m scared to put them into action. As I still love him but deep down I know it’s not a healthy relationship.
I talked to him again last night about postponing and couples counselling and yet again I am meet with a brick wall.
I finally stood up and said I am not asking you to postponing the wedding I am telling you because I am not ready mentally ready for such commitment with all these issue lingering over our heads. He told me I was selfish because he gave up moving with his family to be here so that we could get married.
For a change I told him well this time I’m thinking of myself. He told me to get out of our house and go to my parents. I didn’t leave as it was late and I need to sleep because I had an early start. Before I did though I gave it to him straight we postpone and work on us that includes couples counselling or him see a councillor himself. Or we cut ties and follow our own paths.
I feel a lot less anxious and built up after saying this. I’m kinda numb at the moment to be honest.
You GO girl !!! Good on YOU !
Its fantastic that you stood up for yourself Daydreamer. Now that’s you’ve started, please please don’t stop. Every time you stand up for yourself you will get a bit stronger.
He told you YOU were selfish ? because HE gave up moving with his family etc. ? I had to close my eyes and take a very deep breath reading that - what an outrageous thing to say to you. I’m gutted on your behalf Daydreamer
Daydreamer I said before, and again now, read your posts again and then the posts of the others who have replied to you - the messages are STILL screaming loud and clear.
If you know what you want and know that you’re not getting it then I’d like to quote the title of a book I once read “Feel The Fear And Do It Anyway”
Stay strong, be logical, be practical - look after YOU ❤️
I’m following your thread Daydreamer, thinking of you a lot and hope you’re ok. I’ve had to stand up for myself recently, although in a quite different situation. It was very hard to do but I’m glad I did.
I wish you all the best