To stay or leave?

[SquidJoy26]

I have been with my boyfriend for 13 years and I have just turned 30. We were very similar when we first met and I was rather passive with some self-esteem issues. These things have improved drastically over the years and I have finally found my place. Last year I had a small health scare and there was a chance that I would not be able to have kids, turns out I am fine! But, this made me start to think about if I would want to have kids with him or not and for the last 10 months, I am constantly day-dreaming of a life without him (every day). Now every little thing he says and does annoys me sooooo much. The way he talks and dresses annoys me, he has no desire to improve the house and it annoys me, the things he owns being in my space annoys me. It's like I have suddenly lost all patience and will to compromise in our relationship. I feel like I just want to be on my own, with my own things, and in my own space. I'm not sure if this is normal or if I might be experiencing depression.

[Birdy77]

Dear SquidJoy,

It's great you've reached out to get some different perspectives on your situation.

It sounds like that health-scare last year kind of shook things up for you a bit ... on top of that milestone called Turning Thirty. I know I had a bit of a turning point at that birthday as well. It can be a significant point in your life.

You asked if your feelings sound normal, and from my perspective using my own life and those of various friends, I would say it sounds very normal.


You have been with your boyfriend since you were 17, so, essentially, for every single adult day of your life.

Maybe that health scare shook you up out of some sense of maybe some complacency? Like, you've always been together, so you hadn't thought of not being together? (These are just ideas and thoughts, I don't know exactly how it is for you).

I know when I turned 30, I looked at my life and my future very differently to how I had even at 29. I do think 30 is a pivotal point. Definitely a lot of maturity happens between the age of 17 (when you are an adolsecent) and now, where you are an adult.

So, I think I am saying that before thinking that you might have depression (do you have any symptoms?) maybe you are just super-annoyed at everything your bf says and does because you are no longer compatible, and you have a strong desire to live in your own space, which are more just indicators of you not enjoying your life situation right now and needing to make some changes. You may be getting in touch with who you are as an individual rather than as a member of a long-term couple. Which is totally ok!

Being in someone else's space for the last 13 years, as you have grown into adulthood, can feel stifling if it turns out you were suited as teenagers but not as adults.

A lot of things have changed for you, including your self-esteem and your feeling of having a place in this world. Maybe you have grown in a different direction to your boyfriend. That's ok. It's just something to think about, and talk with him about?

Maybe you want to try living separately for a while?

There are lots of different ways you can go forward.

You said you would like to have your own space. What would be your ideal scenario? Stay together as a couple but live separately? Or break up? Or go on a temporary break? Having your own ideas and goals for your life is ok. I believe it is healthy if you can talk together and articulate your feelings and wants and needs, rather than just going along with a relationship because it's what you've always known.

Not all relationships can survive the adolescent-to-adulthood journey, and that is ok.

These are just my thoughts. Others will have different ideas.

You are very welcome here to talk all this through.

Look after yourself during this time of stress and change.

🌻birdy