To stay or leave

[beau2016]

I have been with my partner for three years and for the last two of those three years we have been talking about moving in together. Even though my boyfriend always agrees we should he always seems to find an excuse or way to stop this from happening. I keep thinking that one day it will happen but I am paranoid that I will be stuck in the same situation in the next three years. It weighs on my mind so much that I am constantly depressed and anxious so I decided to give the ultimatum, "We either move in together by the end of the year or we call it quits, I need you to tell me if you don't want to live together", I'm still waiting on the answer and we haven't been talking to each other for the last few days. I'm so depressed, I don't eat and I find myself crying at the drop of a hat. I love him so much but how can I keep going this way where he is happy but I am unhappy and settling for less than I want.

Is it time that I accept that it just isn't going to happen and end it?

[white knight]

Hi beau, welcome

You need to set on what you believe is "reasonable".

This is for you to decide. But Xmas time isn't a good idea.

Once you decide a time limit then stuck by it. Some people might think it odd to do this but it us necessary.

I'm 60yo. When 21 I met a lady that I lived but she was terribly indecisive. After 5 years I gave her a similar ultimatum. But I gave her a whopping 12 months to make up her mind about moving in together. At the end of that tune we split, she still couldn't commit.

Twenty years later I bumped into her and we had coffee. She had had several relationships since and none had received her commitment. It seems to me some people can't commit. Its that or they have another motive.

Either way your needs to yourself are a priority because your needs isn't their priority.

Hope that helps.

Tony WK

[Lazykh]

Hi beau2016,

You have my sympathy. Here's some self disclosure: A long long time ago, my first steady boyfriend did exactly the same thing. At the end of the day it was that he didn't want to admit (to himself) that he was really committed to the relationship. He was 'living' at his mother's house, but 'staying over' at my parents' house at least six nights a week... so I mentioned that I'd seen a BEAUTIFUL house up for sale dirt cheap and I wanted us to buy it together. We'd been together for 7 years with him living essentially out of my parents house for six, and I'd been making noises about moving out for 5. I wasn't happy with where the relationship was and felt it was totally unfair on my parents (not to mention me). He baulked at buying the house, which I still have to drive past and I still feel sad. I wish I'd just bought it myself and given him the flick, because that was my dream house and now, with housing prices way more than they were then I'd never be able to afford it. I've had a few houses and a few relationships since but it doesn't change that I feel I missed my opportunity because I let someone else hold me back.I did really love him, or so I thought, but he held all the power in the relationship and it was only he who was getting what he wanted (while deceiving himself). At the end of the day it wasn't really him I loved at all, it was the person I thought he could be... If you're depressed and crying that often I suspect this relationship is not very fulfilling. I entirely agree with Tony that some people just cannot or will not commit. That's their problem, not yours and you can't force volition.

All the best,

Lazykh