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Tired of trying

Community Member
Hi Forumers! I am in my 30s and have two young children to my ex. I have bi-polar 2, anxiety and PTSD. My partner and I have been struggling for some time. We have known each other since we were children but have been in a relationship for just over 12 months. I don't even know where to start... we have sex maybe every 6 weeks, and the last few times have felt like "charity sex" as in he only did it to shut me up. He put no effort in, I asked him to basically participate and he LITERALLY complained during sex. Then finishes and said "there, you right now?". I literally felt like crap. He claims he just isn't an affectionate person and doesn't think sex is important, my argument is that there is two of us in the relationship and I AM an affectionate sexual person. I just feel so lonely and unwanted.
6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion


This often happens after a honeymoon season ends. The true sexual drive/affection levels settle to what is natural for each individual.

Unfortunately in your case attitude plays as big a role as sex drive in him. His attitude is displayed clearly with his responses to you.

Im in my 60’s and happily married. Having had 4 long term relationships all over 7 years long I can say that sexual compatibility and affection/compliments/care compatibility is crucial to long term happiness. For that reason I’m firm on my beliefs that lack of sexual contentment and affection will wear the relationship down over time and produce many tears on your pillow as he sleeps away.

Any attempt, as you’ve proven, can be met with intimidation so it’s hard to approach him. You are not at fault for wanting your needs met.


Thank you 😞

Community Member

Hi Dlsth0708

I'm no expert in this area but I can relate to your post. In many ways your situation reflects my own 30+ year marriage with someone that I also knew from her early childhood years.

The situation in the bedroom was similar to your experience; only reversed. Like you, I also felt offended by my wife's lack of participation and/or interest. It was only after we separated that I realised that my ex had a mental health problem that went back to her abusive childhood years.

I know how you feel, but keep one thing in mind, you are not at fault. In fact, you sound quite normal to me.

In my case, the problem originated from a place outside the bedroom, 40 years ago; I just did not know it at the time.

Wishing you all the best; don't give up on yourself!

Interesting you say that... he was sexually abused by an older man when he was a teenager... 😕

Community Member

I completely agree with white knight.

Sexual compatibility is critical if a relationship is to thrive over the long term. It’s not your fault you find yourself in this situation.

In my experience, unless there is a medical condition that is holding him back, you are better off cutting your losses rather than wasting years expecting things to change.

I realise this is blunt advice and it hurts. I’m sorry but I’m trying to save you more pain.

Hi Tony.

Sorry to intrude on your comment, if I may ask, from you experience, why is it that one partner fails to keep up the excitement while the other one tried to keep the spark alive?