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Previously confident and happy in myself and my relationship, i recently experienced so many stressors that my black cloud re-emerged and descended upon me without notice. By the time i did notice, lots of damage had been inflicted upon my relationship with my partner. We have identified the problems and have agreed to work through them, but now i have unmanageable anxiety everytime i am around him. When we are apart, i feel ok (unless i'm ruminating about being with him) and when we are talking on an emotional level i am also calm, however this is not often.
I love him and I want to be with him, but i'm so scared that he doesn't like me (and i can't ask again, as i've exhausted the limits of my validation seeking for the next 10 years) and is going to leave, and this triggers ideation about leaving him, if only to avoid my anxiety and overwhelming negative thoughts.
I feel like i screwed up big time and that he is now only staying with me for convenience sake. I know i am being over sensitive, ruminating excessively and that these thoughts are driving my anxiety, but its making things so awkward between us and this is no foundation for working on our relationship.
I feel so lost. Its just not me and its awful.
I have no questions and dont need advice. I just want understanding and validation. I miss my mum.
Hi speaking out. I'm sorry you feel so lost with your situation. Losing your mum would be pretty devastating as mum's tend to be our rocks during hard times Depression tends to start making us feel as though we're constantly saying and doing the wrong thing. Consequently we start trying to compensate by seeking validation that we're still loved and desired. It's an exhausting emotional rollercoaster and hard to stop once it starts. Have you consulted a Dr or counselor for guidance on the depression/grief as that in itself is difficult to live with either for you or your partner. I gather you and your mum were close, being able to 'unload' on her probably meant she totally understood and guided you. The constant validation you're seeking is possibly because you feel so lost and unsure. When my mum passed, I sort of felt like a 'rudderless' ship, if that helps.
Hi Speaking out,
Welcome to the forums and thanks for reaching out to us.
I'm sorry that you're struggling with this.
I can definately relate in many ways as for a while I used to feel like my partner was only with me because he felt he had to be; that he stopped loving me because I wasn't good enough anymore and he would rather be with someone else. It's an awful feeling because as much as we ask "do you still love me?" their answer will never fill us up.
I appreciate that in your post you said you didn't want advice and just wanted understanding and validation. So I have no advice for you. But I definitely do hear you, and I'm glad that you reached out and shared what was going on for you.
Thanks for your response, sometimes it's just enough to share.