the queen of clingy -_-

[loouuiiee]

i am currently seeing an ex from my past who I had broken it off with a few years back because I didn't feel I could trust him back them ... & I was right. He admits he wasn't a good bf to me back then & he says he wants to make it up to me now ... but actions speak louder than words.he is a lot better ... were working on it :)My issue is I ALWAYS crave affection!!! he says I am waaaaayyy too clingy :/i live alone and struggle with it so bad! I always crave hugs and having someone else around me. I never feel safe when I'm on my own. I'm scared to be by myself and miserable when I'm home alone. Having never received affection a single a child some of the psychologists I've seen believe I seek out that affectionate relationship in my romantic partners I feel like I've never experienced affection comfort & security ... is this tainting my ideals of what a good/healthy relaionship should look and feel like.i feel like maybe I'm expecting too much but don't think I can really help it ... my boyfriend at the moment also had a traumatic childhood and didn't be recieve a lot ignore attention or affection when he was young. He says that's what makes him crave 'alone time' ... he doesn't really enjoy being around people & has always been very quiet. I've known him since we were both 15. We know each other's ups and downs and basically whole life story! but we are opposites in this way and I'm always left wanting affection and he is always irritated by my 'childish' behavior 😕

[loouuiiee]

a bit of background info on me; I was a first child & my parents had a messy separation when I was 4 (which I have a LOT of bad memories of). Both parents remarried when I was young & I never got along with their new partners. My younger sister got along with both the new partners just fine as she was a baby. I was raised by my grandparents for a few years until they were too old to look after me so I returned to the care of my mother and her new husband where I had a very neglectful and abusive childhood. I wasn't shown any affection; I was told to stay in my room and not come out. I wasn't allowed to have any friends and was extremely shy as a kid. I was very scared of my mum.I was thrown out of the house when I was 14 after my step-dad (mums husband) decided to take my bedroom door off the hinges. I have anxiety and depression which was causing me (at 14 years of age) to feel like vomiting when I smelt food. My parents assumed I was on drugs, and then when the doctors comfirmed I wasn't back pregnant my parents decided I must be on drugs. So I was thrown out & taken in by a family who lived on the other side of the city. I grew up with them but had to go back and forth growing up because my mum would say she wants me back am deathly then change her mind constantly 😕 i met a guy a few years back and had a wonderful, stable relationship with him for 2 years ... until he became controlling, started using blackmail & became emotionally abusive. It turned into physical abuse about 9 months later & it was at that point I threw him out of the house. Haven't heard from him since. I'm not sure if I'm posting this in the right place but I'm hoping someone on here may be able to help...

[Doolhof]

Hi loouuiiee,

You certainly experienced a childhood no one would expect. If you don't mind me asking, have you been to see a counsellor or a psychologist recently to discuss all of this and how you are feeling now?

I'm also wondering if you are working at present or if you have time for volunteer work. In the past I have volunteered and worked in Aged Care and Child care. There are plenty of people in both those areas to love, care for and hug if appropriate. You have to be a bit careful with children these days and adhere to the rules.

It is not always possible to receive what we need from others. I have learnt that I need to find different ways to have my needs met. It may be in ways that don't relate to the physical needs of connection at all, but something that makes me feel good about myself regardless.

Has sharing how you are feeling helped you feel any different about your circumstances? I know that writing things down certainly helps me.

Dools

[geoff]

hi Loouuiiee, you certainly haven't the best of upbringings, which I can only say how sorry it is for someone like you to have to experience any of this at a young vulnerable age, but I want to concentrate on your first post, because this is how you are now.
It sounds as though your r/ship with your b/friend is like chalk and cheese, in other words you want affection but he wants to be alone, I wonder if they is any middle ground where the two of you can get what you want, maybe there could be times, but there maybe a problem when you want to be cuddled but he wants to be alone, and whether this is because you are asking for affection so then that's what makes him want to be alone, this concerns me because if this keeps on happening then you won't feel as though he is giving the affection you need. Geoff.

[loouuiiee]

Thanks Dools & Geoff for the reply 🙂 talking about it does make me feel better.

I'm not seeing a counsellor/psychologist because I have seen so many different ones in the past and I have just moved back and forth so much over the years I never managed to be able to see the same one for long enough to feel like its going anywhere.

The good news is that I only have 2 more months until I complete my diploma (I'm studying childcare) and if I can find a steady job in that then maybe I can secure a more stable living arrangement and hopefully stay in the same spot instead of fliting around like I have tended to do in the past.

I have been studying for almost 18 months now and living within the same post code that whole time, but I still don't feel secure ... like its just a house with my stuff in it. I feel like home is where the heart is and my heart is with my boyfriend ... who doesn't live with me.

Me and the boyfriend are still together and doing pretty well, we spend most days together (except when he has his daughter on weekends).

My boyfriend and his ex do not get along. She left him for an older, richer guy and she refuses to speak to me & doesn't want her daughter around me.

I built up such a good bond with the little one in the first few weeks I got to spend with her. My boyfriend and I were planning on getting a place together with a room for his daughter but that hasn't happened.

This is a bit embarrassing to say and I hope it wont offend or upset anyone ... but I feel like the bargaining we get into for affection is starting to boil down to if I meet his 'needs' sexually then he will meet my needs for affection. Most of the time we are great, but in those moments I say no because its like blackmail!! He just does not seem to understand why I feel the need to be so close and affectionate because he has always been the complete opposite end of the scale and sometimes he really just enjoys quiet time and his own space.

I definitely need to harden up, toughen up and learn to be stronger!! ... but I also feel like I reeeeeaaaallllyyy want someone to be crazy about me, and be there with me in life so that I don't feel so alone.

I don't know if its a need for affection, a self esteem issue I have or just a really severe issue with feeling lonely/ a fear of being alone 😕

Friendships would probably help me a lot. Hopefully I will find some when I start working

I'm open to any advice 🙂