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The ones you love being the ones who hurt you the most.

Community Member

I have been wondering why is it that the ones that you love the most are the ones capable of hurting you the most. My wife who I have been with for nine years and married for three was diagnosed with what she calls "depression on the cusp of bipolar". This was before we met after she had numerous relationship issues and fortunately unsuccessful attempts to take her own life. I absolutely love and cherish this woman but six weeks ago she sat down and said a couple of time honoured phrases "you are my best friend and I love you dearly but I am not in love with you","I'm 44 and have nothing of my own, why did you marry me anyway?" and the old "but you'll still be my friend won't you because I want you in my life" also one that stung "I love our bunny more than I love you." From what was an idyllic relationship she moved out and has been couch surfing at friends homes since.

After going through shock, anger and resentment I contacted many of her old friends as well as her mother and they all agreed that it appeared to be an episode similar to those she has had in the past. I have never seen her like this since we met and it scared me. She is medicated but hasn't had a psychiatric review for about six or seven years. She made a doctors appointment to get a script repeat and he fortunately gave her a psychiatrist referral. She came around for dinner tonight, it was great to be around her and she has booked tickets for us to go to the movies on Sunday night.

I told her I love her and am always here for her and her reply was "I'm trying. I came around didn't I?" When I asked if she had contacted the psychiatrist her reply was "I will but I don't think I'm depressed any more."

It made me think why do the ones you love the most have the capacity to hurt you the most?

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi bmacca64,

Good to see you posting on the forums and I am really sorry to hear you are going through such a difficult situation with your wife. It is great news that she has come around to you and has indicated that she is trying. It will be a good start for her to get a review from her psychiatrist and potentially a medication review. It is hard when you are far away from the person that you love. You are right in saying that the ones we love have the capability to hurt us the most. Unfortunately I don't have answers to why this is but I know it to be true myself.

I wonder how you are doing through all of this? Are you are taking care of your own mental health? Do you have anyone that you trust to talk with on a regular basis about your experience with your wife and her struggle with mental health? If you don't, there are several ways for you to gain some support. The beyondblue support line is a great place to unload some of you stress and is a free call on 1300 22 4636 with many people reporting the operators are really easy to talk with. Another way to get some support is by going to your Doctor or GP and letting them know about your situation and finding out if there are any resources you can access locally.

Caring for someone who is going through an episode like you describe your wife is, can take its toll and despite your wife not living with you it sounds like you are caring even though you aren't residing together at the moment. Please make sure you take time to take care of yourself as well.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn

Thanks Nurse Jenn.

I spoke to my GP who gave me some time off work and also did a mental health plan for me and referred me to a psychologist who I am seeing.

My workplace has been fantastic and my Manager told me “you have heaps of sick leave, use it when you need it as work is only work, mental health is life”. It’s great that he understands as he has a teenage daughter dealing with her own mental health issues.

The psychologist has been a great comfort to me and has suggested a number of strategies to help me through my current situation.

I also have a couple of lifelong friends who I confide in on an almost daily basis. One of these friends, who I have known since kindergarten back in 1968, has a partner with bipolar and has been of great comfort and tells me that everything I am experiencing is something he has experienced. It’s good to get reassurance that it’s not just me.

The past two days have seen some progress. I cooked us dinner on Wednesday and my wife came around on Thursday and we watched a movie on TV and had takeaway, during which time it felt like a normal night. She even suggested that she missed living here and would like to move back in next week “but into the spare room at first”. That felt good to hear.

My wife even booked tickets for us to go to the movies on Sunday so that is a positive step. She even suggested going on a few date nights.

After seven or eight turbulent weeks we may have turned a corner.

Cheers, bmacca64.