The love of my life, 25 years together and she has an affair

[Nothappyuni]

There is nothing anyone can say that will dull anything.

I have left the family home, my kids and my cheating partner, though she says I can stay and live as a border in the house I worked for.

Since moving out I have had time to speak to people, and confirmed that she had an affair with a work colleague. He was younger and carefree, he had sex with anything that moved, including my wife. Since that happened (over 18months ago) my partner has not looked me in the eyes, I kid you not, she cannot look into my eyes. It has been like living with a 'life vampire', sucking everything out of me, I swear the world has gone black and white, I can't even tase anything.

It makes no difference if you study psychology, it doesn't help with the depression. The person who you worshipped and placed above all things had sex, again and again, and again- with another man.

I worked all those years to provide and care for a family, we owned everything and wanted for nothing.. well, nothing but sex with another man. It takes two, I know, but so many people are thoughtless of the damage they do to confused people going through midlife/menopause and the domino effect on the family. Get your rocks off with someones wife, it's all good. Yeah!

Now one of my kids is on drugs (and my wife buys him alcohol every weekend), the other left home. And I have nothing to live for, and the guy from the fling is states away, he found a younger woman lived with her, then cheated on her and is single again- doing someone else's wife.

This rant has done nothing for me, and I know no one will have anything helpful to say. Such is life! What is it worth???

[Blackrabbit]

Hey mate,
I've been through something similar.
And you're right, nothing anybody says right now eases the pain or quells the anger or lifts the sadness.

Even if you know deep down that folks are saying kind and sensible things it doesn't help.

Its a lonely place to be.

If you'll allow me to offer a little advice based on my own experience, try not to make any rash choices while you're emotions are running hot. Look after yourself, y'know, eat properly and all that.

Not much help, I know.
My thoughts are with you.

[Nothappyuni]

That is the most sensible response I have seen for a while. Thanks Blackrabbit.

I was good for a couple of days then she starts phoning me to say I am being silly and should come back. She must read my posts here or something????

It wrecked me. I was with a psychologist and she phoned 4 times to tell me she wanted to talk and thought she might want me back. It is doing my head in.

I just found out today that she planned to send me round the twist, she told friends about it and it has come back to me. Why would someone plan to push someone they were married to this point?

People are sick! All I ever did was love and cherish, support and provide and I get this in return, it is such a sick world.

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

My views won’t help much either but I’ll give them anyway.

I’d not focus on that workmate at all, the trust was breached by your wife, who she did it with is irrelevant. “Being silly” is I suppose a form of gaslighting (use google) and that is an attempt to shift blame or inadequacy onto you. Let’s be straight here, real gaslighting has intent on turning another person insane. I don’t know if that is her desire.

What is best for you is making up your own mind what you want to do regardless of what she does or wants. Her attempt at brushing off her affair is in contrast to how it has effected you. Grief is an incredibly personal thing and no one can tell us to move on etc in a timeframe even though it might suit her. It’s time to be selfish.

Confusion, anger and other emotions are normal. Take all the time you need to sort your feelings out. Make changes you see fit to YOUR life to cope better like telling some people to text as you won’t answer if they call which gives you time to think prior to responding. Pressure is not what you need right now.

I hope that helps. Life’s wonders will return in time perhaps in a different form and as time goes by your children will appreciate you staying in their lives.

TonyWK

[Nothappyuni]

When you say: 'gaslighting' has the intent to turn the partner insane you are so right it is scary.

What I can't understand is why would someone want to do that to another human, especially someone who loves them dearly. For uni and for jobs I have had IQ tests and I rate very highly, but I can only think logically about things, I can think outside the box, but I cannot fathom why someone would intentionally send me insane.

She has phoned and phoned and text me and we have spoken face to face, and she is so sweet and nice to me it melt my heart. She insists there is nothing wrong and I am making a fuss over nothing. We agreed to have dinner and then she stood me up, and said it was my fault she couldn't come because I was making things inconvenient for her (I knew she would, it is what she has done for years, cancelling our planned time together, often only telling me after the appointed time). I am now on an ACUTE SAFETY PLAN.

So many times she would tell me something and days later say we never had that conversation, every day I was called stupid, everything I did to help around the house was always acknowledged with a put down "What a bad job you did: sweeping, mopping, washing, cleaning or making dinner". Nothing was ever good enough, even when I got High Distinctions (I have a GPA of 6) she would only reply that it must have been an easy subject. Every week I was told by her that uni is easy, (she failed school herself) and that the 4 or 5 subjects (tier 3/4) were something I should do on the weekend and I needed to work during the week. In the last 14 years she never once complimented my looks, yet before her I could get any girl I wanted, I'd even modelled. Now I just stare at the ground when I walk. In the last year, I looked at her when we were out, and saw her look in the eye of every half decent guy we passed. Why would someone do this to the person they married?

[white knight]

Hi

Many of your questions cannot be answered and indeed you won’t ever get answers. Some things in life are better left alone and try to move on.

eg my first wife and mother of my kids used silence as a weapon. Yet when friends asked her why I’d left she drummed up all sorts of excuses. I wondered if I should counter the claims? Then realised it takes two to fight, I’ll leave it to karma.

Some people play emotional games naturally. Just decide not to play dice.

TonyWK