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The hard challenges after leaving a toxic friendship.

Strawberry-Slam_30
Community Member

Hello Beyond Blue Forum,

 

I want to share my story in hopes that it will help others. I am open to hearing any advice or stories. I am on a waitlist to see a therapist but it will take a few weeks so I thought talking about it will help.

It's been about 5 months since I went no contact with one of my close friends of 10 years. During those 5 months, it's felt very quiet and isolating. It's peacefully quiet in that I left a friendship that was so toxic and emotional abusive that I feel free. Yet painfully isolating to lose a friendship and all of the amazing memories, opportunities and people that came with it.

My self-esteem and motivation is very low. I used to love making music but now when I start on a new song/project my heart starts to race and a wave of negative thoughts enter in. I feel sad that doing something creative is no longer an emotional release for me but rather something that makes me feel worthless.

I used to be in a band with this friend and two other girls and it unfortunately came to an end after I went no contact. It was really heartbreaking to lose the band and the memories, opportunities that came with it. I still keep in touch with the other two bandmates and they 100% support my decision. But it was big loss after losing the friendship.

What's also difficult is that some of my friends who who've played shows with our band are still in contact with this friend. One of my bandmates has chosen to keep in contact with her even though she agrees and has seen how awful she has been to me over the past few years. Our other friends aren't aware of our falling out but they hang and collaborate with her as she is a very popular person, is actively making art/music and has a large social media following. It does make it hard to be open and comfortable in these friendship circles and it feels unsafe for me to interact with them.

 

Other symptoms I've had these past few months are heart racing, sometimes feeling faint/dizzy, feeling withdrawn from social interactions, social isolation, nightmares and flashbacks and a whole lotta fear, depression and anxiety.

I feel like the subject of toxic friendships is not really spoken about much (unless maybe I've been living under a rock). But I hope this starts a conversation and I'd love to hear any advice on how to cope with this.

Thank you for reading. ❤️

5 Replies 5

tmas
Community Member

Like any loss, time and perspective are healing. I agree - people don't talk a lot about leaving horrible friendships, it's spoken about very superficially, the whole "cut the toxic people out" leaves little room for nuance, or understanding that some friendships are intimate and can be major relationships that we mourn. 

 

I once heard someone describe a 'shelving mechanism', where we can move someone in our life to a different shelf, one we don't access so often - we haven't completely thrown them out, but they've been more or less archived, and that's ok. They can be in your life minimally, or in similar circles, but can't demand from you what they might from a friend. You'll get to see them from a different view point - should they ask to come back in, you don't have to give them the same access as the last time. It's admirable to establish a boundary, even more admirable to uphold it flexibly, and with respect to yourself and them too.

 

I've had some horrible friendships (I was in a bad place, so were they, and regardless of their intentions I was stepped on in the process of them "living their life"). When they did whatever they did that led to cutting them off, I was angry, I was lonely, I was still in the bad place they had left me... but a bit of time (and therapy) and I had seen a shift in my own self worth. Frankly, I still get lonely and anxious, increasingly rarely do I get depressed. 

 

I just wanted to share a little hope with you. Hindsight gave me a new look at these friendships (and romantic relationships too) and while I was treated poorly, I don't resent them. I saw myself in them, and I see my own growth playing out before me, between the breakdown of that relationship, the mourning period, and the place I am now. I look back on their good qualities, and the times they hurt me make me sad for them. I hope they're doing better now.

 

A bit of a tangent, but my low self worth made me think I owed people more than I was given. My only identifiable purpose was to heal others - turns out it's impossible when you are hurting/being hurt. I've done far more good, and been treated accordingly since I started to see myself as a person. Love is not scarce 🙂

 

Best wishes x

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Strawberry-Slam_30

I'd like to join Tmas in welcoming oyu here ot hte Forum. Actually I think Tmas has just about said it all.

 

The breakup of any friendship, no matter how badly you were treated, is never going to be as straightforward as you would like. Its certainly very understandable you feel lonely and miss that friendship - even if it was very toxic, it filled a place in your life, it was simply the price became too high.

 

So you still have the need for companionship, but it is no longer filled -at the moment.

 

It's also a mix, with some other friends siding just with you, and others trying to maintain both relationships. It's not realy a reflection on you or your worth, just the way the social group was structured.

 

I guess the two really sad things to come out of this is firstly you do feel you are less as a result, which is a human thing to feel under the circumstances as not all back you 100% and one can even have doubts about yourself after having been treated badly. Sort of "If I'm treated wihtout regard is that because I'm a lesser person? .

 

Still I'd not look at it that way, instead of remaining and being treated like a doormat - which invites further abuse - you stood up for your own welfare, which is something to take pride and satisfaction in.

 

The other thing of course is your music. May I suggest you could have got into the habit of structuring your work around the group, and wiht it no longer there it becomes almost like starting afresh.

 

So how could that work? I've no idea of the sort of music you produce but wonder either if you can hook up with or start another band, and if that is not possible at the moment then go it alone. To do this you may have to step back and make short simple pieces to start with, gradually  increasing in length and complexity.

 

Music in is good for you. Have patience and keep plugging away, and I"m sure you will be surprised at the  quality of your work as time goes on.

 

With the physical symptoms and desire to withdraw you mention, after 5 months it's long enough feeling bad and I'd suggest you do as I did for very similar symptoms and see a doctor - if you are not already, and see if any therapy for a while might be appropriate.

 

Please do let us know what you think about this

 

Croix

 

 

 

Hi tmas,

 

Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for your wonderful, kind reply.

The 'shelving mechanism' is something that I have not heard of but I can definitely see it as a helpful way to view the different kinds of friendships and relationships we have with those who come and go in our lives. I'll definitely be taking that onboard.

You mentioned about some of the horrible friendships you've had and how you and that person were in a bad place. I really resonated with that. The friend that I mentioned suffers from an autoimmune disease which brings out a lot of awful symptoms such as mood swings, depression, anxiety etc. It's devastating and hard to see a friend go through that and it was even harder when it came to cutting her off because it felt like I was abandoning her. But I remember my therapist at the time reminding me that whilst, yes, they are in a bad place, it's no excuse for them to treat you in a mean, awful way. I was also in a bad place which meant that I had a hard time finding the courage to stand up for myself and talk to her without feeling like she was going to yell at me and take my concerns the wrong way. I definitely shut myself down just to cope and find some peace which wasn't the way to handle the situation.

I also agree with you about not resenting and seeing yourself in those friends. Whilst I am glad to be out of that friendship and don't intend on seeing/talking them again, I still hold onto the really great memories we shared and the kind things that they did for me. I also hope the best for my friend and I really do hope her health gets better.

Lastly, I want highlight this comment you made, 'My only identifiable purpose was to heal others - turns out it's impossible when you are hurting/being hurt.' Gosh! If only I could tell my past self that! I think that is so important to keep in mind. I remember during that time, I would beat myself up because I felt like I struggled to always support and be there for her when I felt like I was drowning in a sea of depression. You gotta help yourself first before helping others.

Thank you again. Your response was really helpful. I appreciate it. Thank you.

Hi Croix,

 

Thank you so much for your thoughtful and kind response.

I definitely think my anxiety and fear of the unknown, this new chapter that I'm entering without my band and my friend by side, is definitely making my brain want to try and fill in the blanks and make these assumptions that are often negative and most likely (hopefully!) not true.

I agree, this friendship definitely filled a place in my life, as you've touched on in your reply. Interestingly, I do remember at the time feeling like I wanted to branch out of the band and do something on my own. I think at the time it got to a point where the band stuff felt very routine after a few years. I am very shy and introverted person and for a while I always felt like I couldn't do things on my own or needed constant reassurance from friends in order to be able to do something on my own. I think now with the big changes that have happened in my life, I almost see it as the universe saying 'Go! This is your chance to be your own person and show what you are capable of!' Like you said, it's 'almost like starting afresh.'

 

I really appreciate the music advice too! Starting short and simple is something I'll remind myself. Having patience is also important. Hopefully, with time music will start to feel like a positive place and release for me. I'll definitely keep pushing through as I really do love making music.

Thank you so much again. And thank you for taking the time to read my post. I really appreciate it.

From what I've observed, people who are hurting will often go overboard in helping others, generally to their own detriment... maybe it's some desire for the same treatment back, or self-sabotage, but yeah "put your own oxygen mask on before attempting to help others". 

 

When I was a kid, I felt a lot of shame about absurd things like having the emotional and physical needs of a child (???). It carried on through adolescence and I finally had to unlearn it at 20, when I had started to heal and shed the vestiges of my adolescence. An amazing relationship was looking me in the face and the only way to ever have that was to unlearn the subtleties of my upbringing, the only way I could ever be happy in any interaction was to admit I wasn't there to serve a function - I was a human and acknowledge that I am as much work to maintain as the people I surround myself with.

 

"Low-maintenance" is a shield, and reciprocity feels amazing! I'm glad my last comment could help, stay well!