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The Great Divide
I am a mum to one daughter, who is now 30 yrs old with 2 sons (6 and 4). My daughter has declined into smoking dope, shopping around for prescription drugs and has now been taking illicit drugs. She was raided by police and is now on a 6 mth good behaviour bond. Her partner and father of the boys has enabled her habit, but has had a wakeup call and speaks with me freely and honestly. My daughter on the other hand will not.
I called her out on the lies she told me over the phone – I became very upset as this was the day I found out she had been taking illicit drugs (I also told her the state of her house was absolutely disgusting, which it is) – she became very defensive and later left me a message to say this is the last time I would hear her voice, as “I never support her”.
Unfortunately now, her father (we divorced some 12 years ago) borderline alcoholic, who has married a much younger woman who is also into drugs, has communicated to advise our daughter that she is to have no contact with his wife. He has brought me into his text message several times – which give the impression we have conspired or ganged up against her.
As my daughter will not speak to me, I am unable to explain that I had no input to the message from her father and was unaware he was going to include me.
Her children were sent to their father’s parents for 6 weeks, while she and her partner tidied up their act and their home. The boys are now home, and I would have to say I am a little worried about them. DOCS have also been involved, but only to the point of visiting the older boy’s school
How do I move to mend this relationship with a super defensive daughter. I miss her very much.
Hi Always a Mum and welcome to our community forums
Life for you and your daughter sound very difficult at the moment. My heart goes out to you and I wish I had all the answers you seek.
Mending your relationship will take time and effort by both of you. From what you've written she's been living a life that doesn't sit well with you. She probably knows this and senses it very easily.
I don't have children so can't truly imagine the pain you are experiencing at the moment. Thought, my thoughts are - what do you want out of your relationship? You say as a title - Great Divid. So how do you see that role? As one of being supportive, non judgemental, caring? These are the hard things you'll need to think about if you want to re-enter your daughter's life. She may not want to listen to all your advice or thoughts about how she could do things differently.
I'm sure there are others in our community that can give you some better suggestions. If you want to, do a search in the BB search field at the top of the webpage. Ideas for keywords to search - illicit drugs. Feel free to join in any of the discussions.
Keep reaching out if and when you want to Always a Mum.