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The good news.

Community Member
I'm dealing with my childhood bulls..it in therapy. The good news is I am starting to feel less guilt for cutting contact with my mother. I'm starting to feel like I have not abandoned her and that she us responsible for herself. It was a horrid though pattern and one that I was trained for by her. It has played out in so many of my relationships. Feeling responsible for others and being a rescuer, fixer and saver. I cannot tell you how freeing it ha to no longer have that feeling, thoughts and responsibility for others including my mother. That is what I should have learnt although it took me 40 years to finally get it and understand it.

I'm glad I cut contact with my mother. I needed to in order to get this perspective and understanding. It is so nice to feel that no one's world is going to fall apart if I don't fix, rescue or save. It is so nice to hand back responsibilities that are not mine. Ultimately I cannot do anything for anyone, I can suggest things, it is them that has to do the hard work. Of course there is more work for me to do. This for me is a major breakthrough though.
4 Replies 4

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi, welcome

I know too well what you are talking about

In 1987 my then therapist said “Tony, when are you going to stop saving the world”?

It took till 2010 before my sister and I finally removed ourselves from our mother. A destructive individual she ruined weddings, rang our employers and manipulated family members.

In fact it all made sense when I googled “queen witch hermit waif” please do so.


Hi Tony,

I'm sorry to hear you know all too well what I'm talking about. It takes a long time till you disentangle yourself to finally let go.

I let go in late 2019 so very early days. I couldn't take anymore. It's still hard cutting contact. That brings its own problems.

I never considered that something may be "not quite right" with my mother until about a month ago.

Thank you for referring me to google what you did. I identified most strongly with the queen. Others not so much.

IF my mom has BP she is undiagnosed with no medication. I have to be careful of not thinking of her too much as it puts me back in a very dangerous situation for me. I also am not travelling very well myself right now so need extra self care and lots of it. I get a sick feeling in me when my head starts to go there.

Thank you for sharing.

Having fragments of an illness (eg BPD) doesn’t always download to having that illness. But how some people react and their general behaviour (the queen) might bring about more understanding of why she does what she does.

Then you can put strategies in place to say, distance yourself. Also down the track she might change and receive advice to seek help, then you can support her with the knowledge, through awareness.

I hope that help you along in this rough journey


Hi Tony,

I read what you wrote and to be honest I am completely lost. Not because of anything you said or wrote, I literally just do not know anymore. I cannot make sense of anything much. I don't understand my feelings and thoughts and cannot put them into any order to even make sense. Welcome mental breakdown. I tried talking to a 1800 respect counselor this morning. I spoke for an hour. I came out of not much more knowledgeable than when I rang and still feeling lost. I don't know what to call what I went through for 32 years and no one seems to be able to give me any straight answers. I've given up thinking about it because it just does not get me anywhere. I am putting my father and sisters abuse towards me aside because I am already confused enough. Who knows what the heck was wrong with my mother. Yes my mother had an awful childhood, I was there for her, more than I should have been. Does it excuse abuse, does the possibility of an undiagnosed mental illness excuse abuse, did my mother know what she was doing was wrong? I just feel damn lost as I cannot even answer my own questions anymore.