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The End of a Relationship: How Do I Cope?
Hi everyone. This is a first for me, so thank you for taking the time to read this x
My boyfriend of 9 months broke up with me 2 weeks ago in a really cruel way and it is really affecting. I moved back to uni about 5 weeks ago, after having seen him that weekend. Everything was fine and we were so happy. Then he started working more and talking to me less, which was understandable. Then he just cut off all contact with me. Ignored all my calls and messages. I was so worried that maybe I had done something wrong, or that something bad might have happened to him. So after 3 weeks of no communication, he sends me a message saying he is no longer 100% committed to me anymore and never wanted a relationship with me. I was heartbroken. I made him call me so we could talk about it, and we both cried. He said he was sorry and that he didn't want to cut me out of his life. I was way too upset to say anything, so he promised we would meet up at the end of the week when I came back home for holidays. After that he never spoke to me again. Unlike his word, he had completely cut me out of his life.
I am so heartbroken and I have never felt this way in all my life. I am so hopelessly in love with him and am unable to comprehend what happened between us. I have no closure which makes everything worse. My personal life is also suffering. I haven't slept properly in weeks, my mind racing about him whenever I close my eyes. I can;t stand being in large groups of people now, and I don't to spend time with friends, but at the same time I don't want to be alone. I think about him every second of the day, and I feel numb to the rest of my life. I have cried more in the last couple weeks than I have since I was an infant.
So what I want to know is how do I move on? How can I stop myself sinking into this deep dark hole of sadness all the time? I am concerned that this may affect my relationships and schooling. Please help if you can x
There must be something about Fridays that brings the lonely hearts out. My girlfriend and I just split up so I wanted to let you know I feel your pain.
Having no closure sucks - I've been through two other relationship break ups before (3 years and 4 years) both which had no closure. They were crap. This one there has been closure. It's still crap. Either way, having your significant other ripped out of your life leaves a massive hole to fill.
The best thing to do now is let yourself grieve about this lost person. It's okay to love them still, but it's also healthy to try and fill the hole with things other than thoughts about him. Instead, try to fill it with yourself and your hobbies. A little bit of self-indulgence can help give you motivation. Some friends to keep you company...time and activity will help heal your heart.
But in the mean time, it'll totally suck.
Oh, and I wouldn't think about trying to contact him again. Like you said, he's cut you out of his life. It's probably best you do the same as well.
Hope tonight goes better for you.
I can't even begin to explain what your words have meant to me. It was exactly what I needed to hear, and I thank you. It's so nice to hear someone say that it is okay to grieve, as we are taught as a society to hold it all in and just move on. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your relationship as well, and I hope that you are okay. The end of a relationship is usually only something that those involved can understand, hence why it can be hard for other people to see the extent of the grief and hurt.
One again, thank you so much for everything.
You got it spot on when you said:
The end of a relationship is usually only something that those involved can understand, hence why it can be hard for other people to see the extent of the grief and hurt.
It is very hard to just "move on" from all that hurt that only you can feel. I don't think it does justice to how significant and meaningful the relationship was
If you've never listened to it, the musical 'Wicked' has a song called 'For Good'. It's about two friends separating, but it's so right for a couple separating too.
Thank you too for the support on my own relationship. I'm sure we'll get through it in our own time.
If you need to, we're always here to chat and if you have any good friends as well, it's worthwhile even just hanging out with them. Grieving is hard, so we need to strike that balance between grief and some happier times with friends and family.
All the best
Sorry to hear about what you're going through. It must be a really difficult time, and really hard to understand why it's happening. I think 'closure' has always been a bit of a myth to me personally - sometimes even when we talk about or are given reasons for a breakup, it doesn't neatly 'close' the relationship unfortunately, there are always questions about what could have gone differently etc. But you will get that closure in some form as you move forwards into your future and see other opportunities waiting for you that this relationship wouldn't have allowed you to take.
I'd echo what James says - it is going to suck for a bit. I'm sorry. But it WILL get better. Take it easy on yourself, talk when you need to talk, cry when you need to cry. Allow yourself to feel the heartbreak, but take some time for distractions/you too - walks, movies, friends, whatever works for you.
We're here for you, and you will get through this.
Hi, I'm new and this is my first post, I just want to say that I too am going through the heart breaking pain and suffering that you are... it's awful and at times so overwhelming that I can't even function properly. My soulmate and I are still in love and talk on a daily basis which I think may be making the grieving process harder (we are not able to be together at the moment due to outside circumstances) I'm really struggling at times with the loss of the dream I had of us having a life together, it feels like it will never go away??
Welcome to the forums and i'm so sad to hear about your heart break as well. I am also struggling with the loss of the dream of a life together but even if it feels like it will never go away, it always does.
Time will help heal, but so will taking active steps to metaphorically sweep away the dust from the break-up.
For example, I've changed my language around her. I don't call her my partner, or soulmate and I don't even tell her I love her - instead, I say she's my ex. We were together. We are not together anymore.
Some people prefer to cut contact completely, but my ex and I seem to have fallen onto a few messages whenever important. It feels very comfortable this way, with only a tough of awkwardness. With my other ex's, we just went no contact and just never spoke again because it was too hard.
I know it's really hard to do these things, but you sound like you're in a lot of pain and the only way to get out of the pain is actually to face it front on. A bit of time to honestly think about why you thought you were soulmates, and why it broke down, will be helpful.
Once you split with an ex, it's like your heart has been ripped in two and they've gone away with the other half. Gluing the two halves back together is never a good idea. Better instead to let yourselves grow back to whole, then see if you're able to get back together, or to go your separate ways.
Hope you're going okay today.
This is one of those threads that I see where I want to help but feel I currently have nothing to offer other than to say "I'm in the same boat as you right now". I relate to this, the crying, the lack of closure, thinking of her every second. It's also a catch 22 where you kind of want to tell your story here (It might be helpful, cathartic and give others something to relate to) but you're hesitant to (Not quite in the mood to dredge up and relive the pain). For me, my break up (X 2 actually) has affected everything in my life, so I'm more cautionary tale than teacher.
One thing I will offer though, also relating to your catch 22 of not wanting to be social but not wanting to be alone...is there anywhere you would not mind being in public amongst lots of others, but not having to talk to anyone? A shopping centre, library, hanging around the uni cafe, a park? It just reminds you of existence, of other people nearby but you're under no obligation to interact. It can decrease the isolation just a little bit. This is speaking from someone who spends way too much time at home by myself with my thoughts, shut off from people. Ultimately I really want to connect with people (And more than anything wish I could reunite with my last ex girlfriend, if that were possible) but I also have to listen to my instincts on when i'm not ready to be social and that can hit me randomly. A small step of effort but it could work?
I'm too going through the same thing... met a guy after being single for 4 years. He was soo keen and after 3 weeks after abit of miscommunication, it just slowed to just text and he withdrew and now I have deleted his WhatsApp chat. But I am still struggling. I am disappointed and sad and I can't seem to get over the sadness. I try to keep busy and I am quite busy with work, masters and trying to socialise but I can't seem to concentrate and I just want to cry but I can't. I want closure too. It felt like the rug got swept right under me. He got me so invested into what he was saying I thought we be perfect. But he didn't want to try and seems not the relationship he wanted. I don't know if I will ever meet someone who be willing to understand me, get to know me and stick around.