the cause of my depression and what to do?!

[Looshy]

So i dont want to get into too much detail so ill try my best to keep it short. I am a 34 year old married man with a 4 year old boy and 6 month old twins. 3 year ago i had was under fair amount of pressure with in job which resulted in a terrible mental break down i was diagnosed with anxiety and depression. it resulted with me seeing 2 doctor's a therapist and i ridiculous amount of medication. I was determined to get better and worked real hard on doing so not for me but for my wife and kids. I faced a few issues that i had been avoiding which hellped with my recovery and i did come out of it a better version of who i was. I stop my medication about a year ago (which was horrible to go through) and stoped seeing my therapist, like i said i have 3 kids and a career. What i learnt though was how to identify what makes me anxious and or depressed. And the cause of all my depression even prior to my melt down is my mum and sister, they are just terrible for my mental health and creat a toxic environment that leaves mentally exhausted. Do i just not vist and leave when they come to see the kids? Which is a different kind of stress all together? Do i confront them and cause an argument and divisions between the rest of my siblings and dad? Im at a loss... and feel like im slowly sinking to were i was 3 years ago

[Nikkir]

Hi Looshy,

Thank you for your post, it is very brave to reach out and be honest about life. It sounds like you have really been through so much and really do have alot of responsibilities in your life, I am in awe of how you manage. I am flat out taking care of myself at times. It is great that you are reflecting on what is causing this anxiety and depression and working through it. Do you think its better off the medication or do you think its worth seeing a GP for a re evaluation ? Do you have someone to talk to ? Because again you can get a referral to a professional and have someone to talk to and maybe offer strategies. I have found that useful but its up to you. You can always call us on 1300 22 4636 or chat of course. In answer to your question about mum and sister, I can't really answer that and I'm sorry. I trust that you will use your inner guidance because I don't know how it makes you feel and all the dynamics. For me I have family and people in my life that I have to see ( well don't have to ) but as you said, then there are other feelings and complications. What I do is I set boundaries and make limited time and usually an exit plan. I have gotten to the point where i have made an index diary of things I will discuss and responses to things i dont want to talk about ( like a template). I remove myself before I get to upset and I try to do it in a normal way as possible. For example if I would see a family member and they judge me and lots of triggers, I will stick to light conversation and have responses to get out of anywhere I dont want to go in conversation and I will have my car and an excuse so if its too much I can say " ok well ive got to go bla bla bla. This has worked for me, but sometimes depending on how raw I am I just say Im not well and dont go there. I hope that helps and just know you are not alone and realise how far you have come. Best Wishes Nikkir x

[Looshy]

Thank you for your reply Nikkir's

I do try to remove myself from any situation that may trigger any symptoms, although its come to the point now where i struggle to be in the same room with them for any period of time, my son is always asking to go there dude to my sister always having her kids at mums so he can play. i tend to bite the bullet for the sake of the kids and also because of dad whom i have a close relationship with. Between my 3 kids my wife and my career i have very little down time to be able to see a therapist and as far as the meds go, i dont think id ever want to go on again, they were very hard to come off and had too many side effects during the 2 year i was on them. I find myself constantly trying control every situation when around my mum out of fear she might do or say somthing that can effect my son in the future, which is exhausting at times. I understand his only 4. Although i remember being 4 and i also remember being a very sad and anxious 4 year old. Its a tough situation in my head as i tend to build things up in there sometimes but its therapeutics to be able write my thoughts in a forum like this so thank you for this

[blondguy]

Hi Looshy

Nikkir has made some great points above

Kids can be more resilient than what we know but if there is drama occurring I would probably keep the visits as brief as possible for their and your sake. Childrens 'formative' years are between 0 to 3 years as a rule as they are sponge like and absorb everything....even after this period of course.

I understand where the anxiety/depression is concerned. Ive been on a low dose AD for 25 years and my career in corporate actually benefited from being on meds.....even though I was very anti-meds in the early stages.

I dont know if you are having any anxiety or low level depression now but if you are feeling 'fragile' or mentally exhausted I would be avoiding any negative situations that may trigger the old symptoms until even getting an evaluation from your GP.

There are many kind people that can be here for you Looshy 🙂

my kind thoughts

Paul

[geoff]

hi Looshy, and thanks to Nikkir and Paul for replying with great comments.
So you can help your wife and 2 twins means that you have to get better yourself first, your intentions are good, but you can't help them until you are strong enough yourself.
If you identify your mum and sister as being people who will create many problems, then you can't see them until that r/ship is either repaired or forgotten about, or whether you just drop your kids off and then go, but if you do this then you are not looking forward to picking them up, so it's going to play on your mind.
What does impress me is that there were some issues you had avoided but in fact helped you to recover, that's what we call having strength, because there will be many other different occasions when the same will happen again, which will require you to have that strength back, that's part of how we can overcome this illness.
When your mum and/or sister come to visit your kids take it slowly, stay there with for 5 or 10 minutes, even less if that's what you need, and then slowly build up the time to 20 min. and then even longer, but as soon as you feel terrible then leave straight away, don't punish yourself, maybe you could set up some rules for them that they must abide by when they come to your house.
Try and make some time to see your doctor/therapist and consider talking about other alternatives in medication. Geoff.