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Supporting my best friend

Whimbo
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi all,

 

Lately I have been having issues with my best friend's behaviour. He has been promising me for months that he will seek therapy, with no progress. He self-diagnosed himself OCD and with anxiety - though I personally don't believe it, I believe he could really benefit from some professional help with those symptoms he has identified.

 

He is a second generation immigrant and I think the cultural divide means he is unable to connect to his family for help, and unable to respect people around him in his city. He is argumentative to people he loves, and is so rude and disrespectful to people when we're in public.

 

The behaviour that disturbs me the most includes him being a public nuisance, throwing every piece of trash he has on the ground (despite me reminding him that someone has to pick it up after him), reckless driving (he has been in several accidents), sexist language, and having too much energy to handle. He is sexually frustrated, unmotivated, and a compulsive arguer. I've had situations before where I've had to put boundaries up with friends for disturbing behaviour, but usually they were for much more horrible things, and they weren't my best friend for 12 years.

 

We only had each other in high school, and we have been loyal to each other for about 12 years, but sometimes I feel like I grew up and he stayed in high school. He's still such a lovely, caring guy, but I have to take him alongside the ugly parts of him that he seemingly doesn't want to improve on.

 

Has anyone else been through a similar situation? Were you able to encourage your friend to grow? Did you keep that relationship or did you have to put up boundaries? Do you feel like you could have made any better choices?

2 Replies 2

allmypain
Community Member

I have no answers as I have not been in that situation but it does sound like your friend is in pain and need of help. 
it will be a challenge getting home to cooperate if all the behaviour is “protecting himself” 

 

eventually you will need boundaries and even now you have to be careful to have healthy boundaries but specificity if he is self identifying as OCD maybe research the condition. Ask him questions. Get him reflecting. Get him questioning. Try and get him to see the pain under the behaviour and anxiety not just the surface level symptoms. The surface level symptoms can be dismissed and used as a shield. 
mid he can somehow open up about depression or pain or even realise anxiety and OCD is not normal states of being he might be open to seeking help. 

first line of help is talking to friends like you

then the GP 

he might need reminding why official diagnosis help. For example if you have diagnosis you can better access assistance like counselling, meds, medical exemption at work, medical statement to assist to find better job, help in study, grants, NDIS, therapy, rehabs etc 

slowly introducing the idea not preaching. But generally friends know this. 
most important 

you are not responsible so don’t take on any “false” responsibility or guilt. Take care of your own mental health and emotions. When you are well you can reach out but only in a healthy way. Sounds like you already know about boundaries though by the fact that you mentioned it in you post. 

im sure other people know of more resources I joined the forum yesterday 🙂 

peace and good on you for caring. It’s rare and encouraging to see. 

Bob_22
Community Member

Hi Whimbo,

 

Thanks for sharing your story and apologies for the difficulties you are currently having with your friend. It can be very emotionally taxing to be worried about your friend and their actions especially when you have known each other for 12 years. Thank you for being compassionate with him.

 

As allmypain has fantastically pointed out, the best first point of call would be the GP. Unfortunately I'm not too versed with social services (e.g. around multicultural health assistance or NDIS) but the GP can definitely refer to a psychologist and social worker if needed. As you mentioned in your post however, your friend is reluctant to seek therapy and is self-diagnosing. Allmypain also pointed out that it is important you take care of yourself while prompting and encouraging your friend.

 

Unfortunatley, aside from encouraging professional support (which you have) there is not all too much left to do. It is ultimately up to your friend to take on professional support as if he does so reluctantly he will not gain too much from the clinicians. Usually at this stage I would have a frank conversation with my friend, again saying that they would get alot more from a psychologist/social worker etc. I would also mention the toll that it is taking on your own health and that you are starting to feel like your efforts are futile. Additionally, it can be sometimes be encouraging if you offer your friend to accompany him to professional services. E.g. going with him physically to the GP. This might make the next step for him more comfortable. 

 

If you feel that nothing works, it would be appropriate to put boundaries in place to avoid the same conversation. Please let us know how you go. 

 

Bob