Super confused lost and anxious

[Beach26]

Hi,

I’m female in my 20’s I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years ,we are engaged due to get married this year. Recently have moved into our new house. Our relationship was great until we got engaged and I feel like I’m owned. My partner I believe suffers with depression and has anger bad when he drinks in which he will not get help . And I become the target over the years I’ve had a lot of mental abuse to which has lead to me having anxiety and depression from this. I’m now a lot stronger than I was 2 years ago, as he has said a lot of nasty comments towards me over the years and his anger worry’s me. I have realised I don’t love him the way I used to and feel like it’s more a friendship . As he only wants to be intimate when it suits him. I have made an ultimatum that he needs to go and speak to someone otherwise I can’t get married. I’m so anxious and stressed and I have no idea how I would go about our house. I can’t really talk to friends and family as I don’t want anyone to know yet. Wondering if someone had any advise when it comes to the house, as he is super money driven loves money more than me sometimes. And I know it will get nasty

hope someone has some advise x x

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Beach,

I would like to extend a warm welcome and thank you for courageously sharing some of your story.

Sorry, I’m not sure if I just accidentally deleted my own post just now. I will wait and check again later...

In the mean time, I wanted to say hello and let you know that I’m thinking of you. You are not alone in your struggle.

Kind and caring thoughts.

Pepper

[Ggrand]

Hello Beach,

I am a lot older then you..and lived my life with a hubby that money was more important then me and then our children...and he was also so abusive in every way possible...abuse in any form is just so wrong and unacceptable...

I can relate some to what your going through and I’m deeply sorry...A boyfriend, a fiancé, a partner, husband or wife should be their to care for us as well as protect and love us more then anything else...

A love of money I feel only grows stronger the more they save/ get etc...and then it starts out that every cent you spend is monitored and needs to be accounted for..That’s how it was like with my hubby..I’m not saying it will be the same with your fiancé ...I just wanted to share what happened to me over a long 38 years....

I am not a material person..and am happy if I have a warm place to sleep, food to eat and clothes to wear...these are my important needs....

Beach..I don’t think anyone can tell you what to do about your house..and it’s sad that it will become nasty...The way I’m thinking..maybe I’m wrong..is that it maybe better to do what you need to do..about the house because eventually that part of your struggles will end...While if you decide to continue your relationship with him...the struggles of abuse, nastiness, and money issues will continue on a lot longer...These are just my thoughts and a bit of insight to what happened to me....

I hope I haven’t stepped over any boundaries with you..because I only want to help you....If I have I’m deeply sorry...

Please Beach...You are more important then money, don’t deserve to be treated in any way except except to be respected, love and cared for by your fiancé...

Kind thoughts, with love and hugs...

Grandy..

[Beach26]

Hi Grandy,

thank you so much for your reply it’s means a lot to know I’m not alone, and thank you for being so honest!! My life sounds like that now I spend $20 and I get questioned he checks our internet banking multiple times a day. My sister knows parts and says just leave but they don’t understand it’s doesn’t seem that easy to me.
I know deep down that I’m not happy and lost myself but I’m just scared to leave because I’ve been manipulated so much over the years that looking back now and it’s taking a good friend to ask me if I’m okay because they could see straight through my “fake happy smile” that I’m an image for him. I’m also so scared of what he will do if I leave as he makes comments that he couldn’t do life without me in it and when I stand up to him makes comments like would rather not be alive.
I just can’t help but feel guilty and worry about him, because he does tell me he loves me. I’ve been asking him for 12 months to talk to someone. It should be the happiest time of my life moving into a new house, and due to get married but it’s really not.
it’s more as I’m not sure how things get divided like money house etc.. but I’m probably better for legal advice maybe?

[Ggrand]

Hello Beach..

I understand your fear of leaving as I also had that fear..and still would be living that way today, if hubby didn’t pass away 6 years ago....In saying that though, I still am living his way of life, because even though the physical and mental side of the abuse is gone...It remains deeply seated in my mind and I can’t escape the feelings he made me feel...guilt, low confidence, fear of life itself....On my own without being told what to wear, eat,buy etc...I don’t want this to happen to anyone else....

Hubby used to say the same to me, about not wanting to live without me...and it is scarey to hear this as I still loved him a lot.....My psychologist said it was all part of him grooming me..to be the perfect submissive wife....I’m not saying he won’t carry out his threat..now one ever really knows except them themselves....

Is it possible to sit down with your fiancé and talk to him about the way your trying to deal with his behaviour change since your engagement?....or both attend a marrige councillor? .together...

Maybe Beach...if you can and feel up to it before you make any decisions to talk to a professional about your joint assets....maybe that would help a little with your anxiety...I’m not sure..just my thoughts....

Sweetheart..your happiness and safety is the only thing that is important...so much more important than marrying your fiancé out of worrying that he will carry out his threat...Marriage should be based on love, compassion, and trust....not threats..

Look after yourself lovely lady...be safe...be kind to you and follow your heart and soul...

Kind thoughts..with caring hugs...

Grandy..

[Beach26]

Thank you so much for sharing this all with me, I’m sorry you went through all of this!

i really appreciate your reply’s it’s helped me a lot and realise I need to look after myself and not worry about others

[Beach26]

Hi Pepper,

sorry no your reply didn’t come through!!

aww thank you means a lot x x