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Suggestion to overcome with lots emotional and anger issues
Hi I am a newbie in here. I am going through lots of emotional and anger issues. When I spoke to a friend about our problems. When we were discussing things, she has carried on about the past arguments we had and it directly pointed at me for all this. I had tried to talk into her that I haven't looked at that because it is left in the past as I wanted to discuss the current issues. I got so emotional and angry at her because she couldn't focus on the current issues that we have. As the past issues and current issues are not relevant at all. When she got angry at me I get angry back at her because she was being so nasty towards me... how can I control that emotional and anger when she talks so nasty towards me?
I am glad you are here on the forums. I think talking through the situation can help when I am angry. I notice when I tell the story where I might be reacting more strongly than I'd like, and sometimes I have to admit that I am being a little unreasonable or I need to be more accommodating. You know other people can be very frustrating but we still seem to want them around. There are some great problem solvers on these forums.
Thank you for your reply and yes I hope to see what other people suggests or tell us their experiences with the situation similar to what I am going through.
thank you for sharing abit of your experience and views.
how can you control your anger if someone have said so much of negativity towards you?
Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. Becoming angry and emotional is very unpleasant and I feel for you. May I ask, when your GF talks about past arguments and you say that particular discussion is over, how do you feel, and how do you think your GF feels? As far as you are concerned a particular discussion has been dealt with. Do you think it has been resolved? Or have you simply walked away from it and decided not to speak of it again?
I am, curious to know how you see these things. You may have put 'whatever' in the past but clearly your GF has not. For her it is an ongoing matter. It seems to me, from reading your post, that you are not acknowledging your GF feelings. You may be able to put arguments behind you, many people can. I wonder if these previous arguments have resulted in you getting your own way or what you wanted simply by trying to overrule her.
I think from what you have written that your GF feels very disempowered in these arguments and really wants to revisit some of these. It's not a matter of who is right and who is wrong. It's about respect for each other. Unless your GF is totally horrible all the time, and if so why do you stay with her, why not try listening to her, ask her what has upset her and how can the two of you get on better. You may find she is cross with you because she feels you do not listen and don't care about her feelings.
This means you must suspend your belief in your own side of the argument and really see things from your GF perspective. It's no good listening and then saying you disagree with and going away. You asked how can you control your emotions and anger. Will this is one way. Put your energies into listening, really listening, not simply waiting until she runs out of breath and you can jump in with your comments.
Can you talk to her and make this suggestion? There are very few rules about this.
- Really listen to each other and try to understand what the other person is saying.
- Abandon your own point of view and listen to the other's story/point of view/information.
- Put yourself in the other's shoes.
- Above all, do not engage in putting the other down/point scoring/yelling/sarcasm etc.
I really hope this is useful for you. Share this with your GF. Revisit old hurts because settling these will help both of you forge a better relationship.
thank you for your response to my thread. To answer all your questions that puts me to thoughts. I have knowledge my friend feelings when I have explained to her that I have understood how she felt about the issues and I have accepted it. I have acknowledged to her I have my faults in it too however she won't admit her own faults in the issues. She have said to me she won't listen to my feelings and thoughts to the issues as I was trying to meet half way with her to solve the issues.
I didn't reply to her messages since she sent me a couple of nasty messages and calling me dirty names which wasn't nice as I don't do that to her at all.
About revisiting the previous issues, it wasn't relevant to the issues we are having and that situation is a bit different. I have told her that I am focused on getting this situation solved as I really have listened to her and understood her feelings about it but she won't listen any bits of it that caused me anger and emotional.
We have same circle of friends which is bit hard for me to interact with our friends because she doesn't want me to involve in the group meaning I have listened to her so that leaves me so alone. No friends to talk or hang around with.
she says she is the boss because she's older than me and that I should listen to her all the time.
hope I have explained the situation that caused me the emotional and anger feelings.
if she decides to be nice to me whenever she sends me messages again then I could talk and listen to her.
thank you for your input that helped me also.
It sounds really challenging there Ki. One reason I am single is that I have trouble with others thinking it is ok for things to be uneaven like that. What to do though? I like to name the problem, which can sometimes make for more conflict so you have to pick your moment and your words. I think you do need other people around, for perspective, friendship, and support. I use these forums to talk about stuff. I go for a walk, sometimes it is more vigorous walking. I distract myself with Duolingo or drawing. And I would admit to liking a bubble bath.
Remember you are worth the effort of doing something nice.
thank you for the response.
yes it's challenging and I am being a couch potato at the moment as it's only the ways of coping before picking myself up again.
I know life can be hard but I don't have the energy left in me to make an effort to do something for myself to keep me distracted.
being on BB forums to talk is helping me cope. It's nice to talk to new people who has the similar experiences or advice inputs from their experiences.
often at times I have thoughts in my head that I am not a good person and questioned myself why I am thinking like this. Some of you who replied to my thread has reduced some thoughts that I am having.
Hi and welcome,
i think if she has unresolved issues from the past they need to be dealt with and put to rest. Once they are dealt with make a point of agreeing that it is done and there is not need to raise it again. I am guilty of raising past issues mainly because i did not bring them up at the time and therefore they still linger as unresolved feelings.
Another thing i found useful is to have the conversations say in a cafe or public place as there may be less chance of becoming aggravated and angry because you are in public. I found i couldn't discuss things at home, i was shut down, maybe because home was the environment where the issues occurred. When i was out of the negative environment i was able to open up more and speak calmly. It's a psychological thing.
It is very hard when someone cannot take responsibility for things an cannot see their own flaws and it does make it a one way battle unfortunately. i have been verbally abused and called names and had someone insist that things are no way their fault. He is a narcissist as far as i am concerned, always knows better, always blaming everyone else, never accepts responsibility. He is the father of my youngest child and after he abused me xmas day we have not heard from him. Suits me fine. I'm not sure what your relationship is with your friend but sometimes we need to remove toxic people from our lives in order to be happy.
I'm pleased that some of my response was useful. It is difficult to comment when there is only half of the story. That was said respectfully.
Past issues can raise their heads all the time and it's hard work to settle them down. The assumption that your GF is the boss because of age shows she feels really insecure about herself. In a good relationship there is no boss, or at least not all the time. We can take the lead at times but only with the other person's agreement.
Communication is a tricky beast. It's so much more than words. I had a phrase which was pinned up over my desk at work. I know you understand what you think I said but you don't understand that what you heard is not what I said. Tricky indeed.
CMF has a good point about talking in public rather than your home. Apart from the very real likelihood of being shut down as CMF has said, there is less room for verbal abuse. If the conversation gets to that point you can get up and walk away.
One thing I think we all have in common here is at some time we had no self confidence and believed we were worthless. Depression and anxiety do that to you. May I suggest you have a chat with your GP about how you are feeling? It seems like a little more than arguments because you Have been quite distressed. A chat with your GP may help you.
Thank you for your response to this.
to be honest with you, once I discussed with my friend in the public about an issue that I bought up. She doesn't like it that I talked to her in public and got really aggressive towards me for bringing up in the public as it has embarrassed her greatly. She doesn't like people to know who she is/was.
i admit I do miss seeing her to have talk to... I know she does have a nice side of her showing she cares by providing something but the communication from her is complicated from what I see as she doesn't care what she says to me. i stood up to her no matter what but she has insulted me with lots of nasty words.
Like I said on previous thread that if she decides to talk to me nicely again then I will talk to her and get that sorted.