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Stuck in limbo
Me and my soulmate of 12 years separated about 3 months ago and I've been struggling and doing anything I can to get back with her granted our relationship wasn't the beat and I did my fair share of emotional abuse at one point said i would kill myself if we were not together. Which i know was wrong and i got help for that but I've learnt from my mistakes and changed and she had acknowledged that but now im stuck waiting for her because she is confused about how she feels I've done everything she asked even gone to a psychologist for help. We tried no contact and after 2 weeks she broke it but after a few days said she was confused about how she feels and stuff I've asked her if there's a spark still and she says unsure but I know there's something as when we do talk only messaging once a week because that's what she asked for she still tells me she loves me but atm I'm stuck in this limbo I've done everything she's asked and still am but I feel like she's not doing anything said she was gonna see a psychologist aswell but never got around to it. Just not sure what to do as she really is my soulmate she's told me to get my self out of limbo maybe go have sex with other women but I just can't do it because it feels wrong I love her so much and would do anything to win her back and reignite our love. Just hoping it's not to late or I've made to many mistakes
Any advice is appreciated
We would like to welcome you to our helpful and supportive community. We would also like to commend you for finding the courage to post about your confusion around your relationship.
We understand that you have very strong feelings for your possible partner. Unfortunately, as there was emotional abuse previously in your relationship, she is unsure how she feels about you.
We are pleased to note that both of you have seen a relationship psychologist. Given what has been occurring recently, we would like to encourage you to continue seeing the relationship psychologist, if she is willing.
At the same time, we would like to encourage you to meet with a mental health professional yourself who might be able to help you continue sorting out your feelings.
You can always call BeyondBlue Support Service on 1300 22 4636, or Lifeline on 13 1114, and speak with their Mental Health workers. Both services run 24 hours per day, every day of the year.
We are always here for you.
Hello VictorCreed, thanks for posting your comment because being in a situation like this only confuses you as what you should be doing.
Although she has suggested that you see other girls, doing this will only make your position more complex, as not only will you have to deal with your girlfriend, but also the demands from these other girls and as you have said no, that's a good decision.
It shouldn't only be you to visit a therapist, it takes 2 to tango and this responsibility requires both of you to get help, because if you can achieve all the recommendations posed to you by the therapist, but she still doesn't accept them, then a problem begins.
A relationship needs trust, commitment and logic and it needs both sides to be understanding, because if one person dominates this relationship it's only going to struggle.
I know you love her and have learnt from previous mistakes, but try and convince the two of you to have some counselling, she also needs to prove that love will reunite both of you.
I'd like to join Sophie_M and Geoff in welcoming you here to the Forum. They have both given good advice and I'll not repeat what they had to say - except I strongly agree sex with another would not be that good an idea if in fact your ex-partner still has feelings for you.
I tend at times if something is worrying me deeply to try to 'fix' the problem as quickly as possible, only natural I suppose. Here however I'd not think it was the right time to try to go in depth into this with your past partner. Trying bluntly to get a commitment may have the opposite effect to what you want, particularly if she is unsure in herself or apprehensive.
May I suggest a different approach? Trying to talk about things that you both enjoy, suggesting a date, get her to the stage where she enjoys your company again - feels you are there for the long haul and and does not feel backed into a corner.
Simply verbal reassurances you've changed are just words, even if genuine. It may take time and example.
What do you think?