Struggling with Relationship and maintaining family life

[J3n]

Well where do I start. About a year ago my husband started staying back and talking to a girl at work, he didn't tell me he was doing this and it wasn't until he came home late one night that he told me. He told me they were friends who just talked. Things went on and she started messaging and calling and it came to a head where he started falling for her. One of the days at work I had a gut feeling something wasn't right and came home to find her in my house. I reacted as anyone would and he assured me nothing sexual happened- he fell for her and was so messed in his head. He told me things had changed between us but yet could communicate any of what was happening to me. The worse part was we work at the same place and rumour got out and my life became terrible. We also have two kids that are involved in all this. I told him I loved him and wanted it to work. He couldn't tell me what he wanted. It turned out that one night to top things off he bumped into my dad and they had both been drinking - my dad being protective told him some unkind word and my husband since hasn't spoken or seen my parents.

We tried separating much to my dislike and it was during this time that my husband got a call 6 months ago saying his father had killed himself.

We are now back together but he has started drinking more each week and becomes nasty when he does - says nasty things to me. He doesn't show much feelings or affection and has trouble feeling anything. I do almost everything around the place as I don't want my kids to suffer or be without. I'm now struggling with my own depression and anxiety. I love him and just don't know what to do to help - he won't get help and won't admit the drinking is a problem. I really don't like the nasty words and just don't know how to wake him up to what's going on.

My kids now ask why dad won't see nan and pop. He really doesn't see what he has done to me but is just a numb human being

[JessF]

Hello J3n, I am sorry no one has responded to your post before now. I hope you are still around reading.

What a rollercoaster of a year it has been for you. Fidelity is key in a marriage, both emotional and sexual, I believe. Your husband was not faithful to you, and along the way has created humiliating consequences for you at work and damaged relationships between himself and your parents.

Despite this, you were reluctant to separate when you did, and now you're back together things seem to have gotten worse. You're on the receiving end of verbal abuse and the children and household are on the end of neglect from his drinking and moods.

Understandably, your own depression and anxiety have been set off by all this. You mention several times in the post that you love him despite this escalating poor behaviour, and that you are doing everything around the house to protect your children from it as well.

You mention at the end of your post that he doesn't see what he has done to you. In my experience, what we do has more effect than what we say on how things turn out. From his perspective, there has been no consequence for his actions - he still has his marriage and family intact, his home taken care of, and an opportunity to indulge his unhealthy ways of coping with his life struggles without having to worry about being present (or even pleasant) as a parent or a partner.

Where in this situation are your needs being met, and what do you need to happen right now for YOU to feel supported? I see a lot of focus in your post on him but none on you.

[geoff]

hello J3n, this is quite a difficult situation for you and your children, and I haven't included your husband because he's the cause to all of this.
Whether or not anything sexual happened between him and this friend from work, is up to question, because that's exactly what he had to say, personally I have my doubts but that's for you to decide on, but it seems as though he's in denial not wanting any help or assistance with his drinking.
The reason why he doesn't know what he wants is because he's been pulled in different directions, as now he has tasted the thrill of being with another woman and whether he still wants this to happen behind the scenes,and in turn destroy the family, or whether he uses the alcohol to numb everything that is causing his uncertainity.
From my experience once someone starts seeing someone else it is virtually impossible to have a stable r/ship with them, because there will be times when he's late from work, isn't telling you the truth, because somehow you have found out where he has been, so doubt and trust are the two key issues here.
Love and companionship need to go both ways, unfortunately, I can't see it, and to follow on from JessF you should go and visit your GP to begin with and perhaps including your children, as I also know what happens to kids when their father is absorbed in alcohol. Geoff.