Struggling with motherhood

[PS03]

Hi

I do not know how to say this or if I will be judged for saying this - I hate being a mother. I am a mother of a one year old and a 4 years old and I love my children. But being a mother is a constant struggle- every day and every night. Sometimes I feel I wasn’t meant to be a mother. I had a great life before kids. I miss those days. I am miserable and my kids see this and I am terrified that it will affect my kids mentally and emotionally. I want to scream and throw things and I can’t do this.

[Emma_Smith_8]

My goodness I am in exactly the same boat! Same age kids and everything! Most days I would rather be at work than be with them and even leave them in daycare as long as possible. I still love them but it does take its toll. I have contemplated suicide twice but am too afraid to do it and I don’t think I ever will. For the most part I think that they would be better without me. That’s how I feel most days sadly and I lose my temper a lot. Did you find that having one child only was easier? I feel that my mental health changes when I was pregnant with my second. Have you ever lost your shit at your kids? I have and I always feel sad and guilty afterwards. Looking forward to hearing your reply. I’m glad I’m not the only one x

[PS03]

Hi Emma Smith 8

oh so glad that I am not the only one losing their shit at my kids. It’s almost everyday that I lose my temper and I scream at them. I feel so guilty afterwards and what makes it worse is when my 4 y old tells me to calm down or please don’t scream mummy. And if I try to keep calm and refrain from screaming, I feel this lump in my throat. Do you ever feel like this? I sometimes excuse myself to other room and scream profanities. That helps to a certain extent. I enjoyed my pregnancies but had post partum depression in both and was worse during my second pregnancy.

I would be lying if I said I have never thought about suicide. But What scares me most is the thought that what will happen to my children after me. My mother grew up without a mother and she did not have a good life. She moved from one relative to another like a foster kid, who refused to buy her basic stuff like school books, pencils, clothes and sanitary napkins! Don’t get me wrong. Not all people are like my mum’s relatives but no one can care for a child like her own mother. And this stopped me from thinking about killing me. I might just die with all the heart palpitations I get during my kids meal times. How are your kids with meals?

Definitely! Having one child was a bit easy. My kids eat different foods, they have different sleep times, so I do everything twice. They take turns in waking up at night and make twice the mess. If one of them sleeps in, other decides to have an extra early morning *rolling eyes*

It’s great that you are working. Atleast you get that much needed break and it’s good for your sanity.I will start after my son starts day care next year. My much needed breaks are my trips to woolies without kids. Hate it when my husband offers to go buy groceries. I mean back off mate! It’s my time to have fun at grocery shop lol. I sometimes sit in my car for extra 5 mins outside my house, watching movie trailers and funny videos.

A couple of days back, while trying to get through one of those days, I thought to myself I have ruined my life. I feel so so bad now. These are my kids and I love them. I hope it gets easy like they say.

Do you miss your life before kids? Do you regret having kids?

x

[Ebi]

Hi Emma Smith 8 and PS03,

I've got two approaching the same ages as yours, plus a much older child (19y.o.!). I totally hear you about the constant struggle of motherhood. I think the two biggest issues are exhaustion and not getting enough time to be or nurture yourself as a person.

I remember thinking that the whole wonderful motherhood thing is false advertising because you see these mums out with their kids laughing...I think it would be great if more people were open about the difficulties of parenting so that people went into it (if they weren't too put off!) with realistic expectations.

Mind you, I'm feeling a lot better about it now that I'm getting more sleep... But still, being a mother consumes our whole lives, especially these early years, and it is so tough!

I have found being really open about these negative feelings with other mums very helpful.

Thinking of you, Ebi

[quirkywords]

hi PSO3, Emma and Ebi

Welcome PSO3 and Emma tonthe forum. As you can see this place is nonjudgmental and supportive.,

I think that while motherhood is portrayed in the media as full of smiling babies and happy confident mothers the reality is different for many women.

I agree being honest with ourselves and other mothers does help as often we feel that everyone else is coping and has the tidy house and plays creatively with their children.

My children are adults now probably the same age as you all but PSO3 your post apoke to me and moved me as I remember feeling alone and struggling.

I found keeping a journal and writing Dow how I felt helped me. I also would stay in the car for a few minutes . I liked walking so i would get out each day either for a small walk or a longer one with the children and go to the park where possible.

can you join a local playgroup. I still am friendly with women I knew when my children were toddlers.

Most parents scream or feel like screaming and Inused to go tonthe bathroom count to ten or twenty and put water on my face..

Is there something you and your children enjoy, fir me it was walking and books. You may like playing games, craft , or just something you can share with the children.

AS mums we neglect ourselves but you need to care for yourself.

I am sure your honesty herevhas helped many reading your posts.

Feel free to keep posting if you want to as this is an important discussion.

Quirky

[Ebi]

Thanks Quirky,

I kept being told I had to look after myself and do things for myself when I was really in the pit of it all... And I would just sort of stare at the person with my mouth hanging open, as in, 'when the hell am I supposed to do that?'. And when you do get those few moments to yourself... Well I would spend them trying to work out what to do (have a bath, go for a walk, read a book, v watch a favourite program...) None of the options seemed good enough because it felt like the opportunity to do something for myself was so rare... Anyway, I just started, as you say, going for a walk. Squeezing it in somewhere and suffering the filthy house... And also, catching the fleeting moments of beauty in the world (sun glinting on the edge of a cloud is a favourite of mine) and slowly these moments of peace, and wellbeing are lengthening and joining up. Which is nice.

PS03 and Emma Smith 8, I hear you about the yelling and screaming. When I started doing that I knew that things were going badly and I knew I needed help. Is there anyone you can reach out to for more support?

Thinking of you, Ebi

[PS03]

Quirkywords and Ebi

thanks for your reply. I am very relieved to see some positive and non judgemental replies and some great advice.

I am a full time mother and quite lonely. My kids take up so much of my time and energy that I just have lost will to do things for myself or make time. I don’t even know how to make time. They won’t even let me pee alone. Every now and then when my daughter is in daycare and my son is taking a nap ( which is usually anywhere between 15 mins to an hour), I try to catch up on my sleep. I never joined play groups because I don’t want to be talking about kids with other parents.

I like the idea of keeping a journal. Also I should get out, go for a walk.

I hate to scream and shout at my kids especially when they are so young but they don’t listen unless I raise my voice. I have tried counting to 10 and drinking a glass of water if I feel I am going to lose it but trying to control that temper feels like lump in my throat or as if my heart’s sinking. My mother says I am not the person I used to be before kids. I used to be quiet and wouldn’t lose my temper easily. And now I am like a Godzilla. I hate this person that I have become. And I can see how my kids are learning this from me. I know this so well but I just can’t control myself. I don’t smile I don’t laugh. I don’t get excited about things. I drag through the day in my pyjamas trying to find time for shower.I used to exercise atleast 3 times a week but now I have become this slob. I did not sign up for this when I decided to become a mother. And this is going to be my life for next many years. Can someone please tell me that it’s going to get easy?

x

[Lonker]

I can advise you on a simple but very effective way - once a day, you take a little time and distance yourself from the whole world - you meditate, dance, hit the pillow, everything to ascend over the mortal problems. You will feel rested and all this in a few minutes.

[Ebi]

Dear PS03,

So much to say... First, I hope you never feel completely alone in it all again because you've find this community now and you can come online and say whatever you want whenever you want. I've been a member for a few months, and I have been reading posts on the forum every day since I joined. Sometimes, I join in on topics like this, which are very close to home and sometimes I respond to others who are having struggles a bit different to my own.

Second, I wonder if you went to a playgroup whether you might find some others parents who are having a hard time and would like to open up about the reality of it all? I'm very lucky to have that but having said that... It is only now three years into it with some of the mums in my mother's group that we have started getting real with each other and opening up about how damn difficult it all is. We just let each other swear and rant if we need to... It took a while to build the trust to allow for that...

For me, the yelling at the kids was because I was depressed and stressed and exhausted. It sounds like it is really out of character for you, which suggests that the stress and exhaustion are getting to you... Have you spoken to your GP recently? You said you had postpartum depression... Sounds like this hasn't resolved yet... Maybe review with the GP?

You used to exercise... This sounds like an important part of wellbeing for you... It could start off very small at first but could grow and start to help...

Finally, I agree with Lonker, just grab a moment when you can to distance yourself...I think that's what staring out the window at the clouds did for me.

You're not alone! Thinking of you, Ebi

[Jezza251]

I was in the same boat, I was a stay at home dad with an 9 year old autistic boy and another 1 year old boy. There were some days that were out of conrol. I found by keeping things as routine as possible it helped to stem the flow of tantrums and drama. for me set bed times/ set tech times really helped my boys. I wish you the best