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Struggling with husbands depression
My husband and I have been through so much together so I thought we would make it through this one but I am really struggling with his attitude towards everything.
In March my father in law left a note on our front door which I saw first saying he is moving back to England (where he was born) and not coming back. I was the one who had to tell my husband his dad has just up and left everyone without warning.
My mother in law a few years ago was diagnosed with early onset dementia, she is 54. She is currently at a stage where she tries to cook toast on a hot plate.
It took me months to convince my husband to see a psychologist.
Now it is December, he has been angry all the time, he sleeps as much as he can and the romance has gone out the window.
I have been through depression myself I know it’s hard but no matter how I try and help him it doesn’t change a thing.
It feels like sex is the only thing we do together anymore and after stumbling on his porn a couple of nights ago it feels as though I am not good enough for him in that respect either.
All I feel the last 2-3 months is unwanted and not good enough.
Since I have been feeling like this I feel I have been less of a mother to my children.
I don’t know how much longer I can keep taking it all. Part of me feels it would be better if my husband and I separated.
I feel for you. This level of stubbornness isnt acceptable. What is worse is he knows the adverse effect it is having on you. Loving someone means many things including not allowing your partner to suffer for the sake of some visits to professionals.
Many people arrive at the crossroads of a relationship and wonder if it is the right course of action to leave, then hesitate. It is your decision. I might however just mention that in 1996 after 11 years in my first marriage and being emotionally abused, I attempted on my life, then left one week later. Obviously I should have left earlier before the effects of her attitude took hold. So watch out for any warning signs please that you are feeling really down, even a temporary split can result in him waking up.
I've selected a few threads for your reading. You only need to read the first post of each, they might help. Also consider relationship counseling.
You're a legend! Just wanted to start by saying this. What you have faced and still face determines such status.
First thing that comes to mind is 'tough love'. When dealing out some tough love, there's definitely a bit a caution to be considered as you don't want to push someone over the edge. With you having experienced your own depression, you have an advantage when it comes to understanding the pain and lethargy that comes with depression. You can probably suss out how far you can push your husband and in what ways you can achieve an active push to get him moving. Tough love might sound a little like this in his case:
'That's it, I've had enough of watching you sleep your life away. Get your poop together and get out of that goddamn bed. Get up, now! For every day you stay in that bed, your metabolism slows, draining the energy out of you and messing with your chemistry. I expect you to begin taking control. I will do everything in my power to help you but I can't until you begin helping yourself.'
You may have already tried this approach. If you've tried everything you can think of, I would suggest you begin to consider your own well being. As someone who has experienced my own depression in the past, we don't want to be revisiting that low. There is no point to feeling this way, it serves no one, especially our self. My mantra 'Let nobody put us down, bring us down or keep us down'. Down is no place to be.
It sounds like your husband is wanting to experience highs in his down state, hence intimacy and porn. It breaks my heart to hear you take this personally. Having already established you're a legend, the issue is really with his inability to manage his life in a way that serves you both. If he could positively manage the relationship you share with him, you wouldn't be feeling this way. From one wife to another - you deserve romance, it feeds the soul. Another part of the tough love talk could involve you saying to him 'Get it together, I want romance. Step up your game and make the effort'. Yes, I know, sounds pretty harsh.
I believe that if we've taken the gentle approach in trying to raise someone from the depths of depression and this approach hasn't worked, sometimes (not always) a good old psychological slap across the face can be enough to wake them up to the need to begin rising consciously. Plenty of folk on the forum here continue to try just about every approach possible in raising themselves. They're an inspiration!