Struggling with a friend

[ashkey]

Hi there,

So like most people, during this whole pandemic and being on lockdown has brought up a lot of feelings for us all that we might not have otherwise felt without being stuck at home with our thoughts. I had some revelations, good and bad but see it all as a positive shift to trying to do things differently.

My current issues I am facing is with one of my best friends who has been through a lot of his own personal problems I have helped him through and been supportive for with everything. I know he is greatful and he has told me but recently he has been treating me quite horribly with snappy comments or using me as his own personal punching bag and when I pull him up on it he says he's not doing that. It got so bad that he was being this negative to me if I said or did anything that I had a small panic attack at work the other morning. Our store wasn't open and I was glad to be alone but I calmed myself down with some breathing and have since told my other best friend who happens to have been suffering some similar issues with the same friend. I felt like this all started when I talked to him about feeling alone and forgotten about and pushed aside during quarantine by him and how I genuinely missed my friends as I am a people person and just texting didn't feel like enough. He gave me no comfort this time and was horrible to me.

I am the understanding friend, I am told repeatedly by everyone around me but I just don't know how to address this issue with my friend as I feel he will tell me I'm being negative like he has said before and not want to hear it. I don't want to lose him as a friend and I feel somewhere he doesn't want that either. He hasn't had good friends in the past and now has a new boyfriend who is wonderful for him but he seems to be pushing aside his best friends and not nurturing those relationships. The issues he has been through have been big enough to warrant counselling and I told him he should consider it, he doesn't seem to think he needs it which is obviously his call.

If anyone has any insight on how I could begin addressing how I feel about how he keeps attacking me that would be greatly appreciated. I am tired of feeling alone and not cared for. I know he has issues to deal with but so so I.

Thank you,
Ashkey

[white knight]

Hi , welcome

Your friendship seems quite fragile at this time.

In my view there is two things you can try

1/ Time out. Drift for a little, see him half as much as usual- absence makes the heart grow fonder

2/ Remove all comments about yourself and ask him lots of questions. That will show he knows you care

TonyWK

[ashkey]

Hi there,

Thanks for responding and I like your advice.

I already see him less at the moment and struggle to get him to lock in plans. He is like that with everyone except his boyfriend. His boyfriend is not a problem either, it's my friends inability to deal with multiple things at once which I know about him too and respect that's how he is but it can be frustrating.

I do ask him a lot of questions already also, he always has something snappy to come back with and then in the next breath is sweet and caring and we're like normal again. It's quite confusing.

I am prioritising myself at the moment and it's my bday soon so I want to see how some time goes over until after my bday if he is still acting this way.

In your opinion do you feel that straight out asking him how he is doing and seeing how he responds is a good thing to start this conversation when I have it? I am struggling so hard with how to discuss this with him and even begin the convo when I am usually so good with these things. I just can't keep going on feeling like this and desperately want him to understand but know there is a chance he just won't.

Thanks again for responding,

Ashkey

[white knight]

Hi Ashkey

We get a similar problem with members or caters here in that approaching someone with huge mood swings is s tough ask, because the natural way to respond is to reject.

His moodiness could be underlined by a mental illness of some sort. That would answer many of your concerns because a diagnosis is essential to moving forward.

You could subtly mention that his snappiness is hard to tolerate and you’d live it if you could accompany him to a GP and at that appointment you lay his symptoms in the table.

If he refuses then you can eliminate that course for remedy and at least it means you’ve tried and reassess your situation.

Yhe Following Desl with the denial issue. Just need to read the first post of each.

google

beyondblue topic is there room for stubbornness

beyondblue topic does stubbornness have a place?

Your future with him depends on a number of factors- if he can allow his heart to mend, if you can accrpt he has not got 100% commitment, if he doesn’t seek medical advice and so on.

reply anytime

TonyWK

[ashkey]

Hi White Knight,

I do believe his moodiness lies within the huge issues he has gone through recently (domestic abuse) and it was a traumatic event he is still processing as still splitting assets with his ex. So I do have a huge understanding of where some of his mood swings could be coming from and I listen without judgement always and ask him if he wants advice before giving it.

I did suggest him seeing someone to talk things out even though he doesn't believe he needs it and as I said earlier that's his choice. I feel like my slight withdrawal from him recently may have struck a chord with him today as he communicated more so than usual how we normally would and was a lot more caring so hopefully he is thinking and continues to so it gives me the peace to find the moment to discuss with him how I have been feeling lately and hopefully we can mend our minds together a bit.

I will 100% read those posts you recommended tonight. Thank you for giving a fresh perspective and ideas. I always look at every angle but with my mind so foggy from the mental pain I'm feeling it has been difficult at times. I know he is a good friend, I just want the best for him, I want him to want the best for him too and I know all I can do is support and care and love like I do all my friends. The unknown reaction is what I fear the most I guess and gives me that anxiety feeling.

Thank you again, I feel slightly more reassured that how I am trying to deal with this is better than other options. I don't want to lose my friend, I just hope he understands. That's all.

Ashkey