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Community Member

I need some advice please, I have been with my partner for 8 years. I had a very intense 2 year relationship before her, I was absolutely in love and obsessed with this girl. To a point I would almost say was unhealthy. But I have never been so happy in all my life. But at the same time, never had such an awful time in my life, see, she would cheat on me, lie to me, steal from me, and hurt me over and over. I was a mess in those times but because of the love I had I would always let it go and just go back. Anyway we had a big fight she left me for someone else. I was heartbroken. But I ended up meeting someone else, I never had that “spark” with her as I did with my ex, and I struggle because I constantly compare everything to my ex and with such intense feelings in my last relationship I just wonder if this relationship is right? My girlfriend is the most beautiful person, she would do absolutely anything for me. She is the most caring kind and loyal person. She puts me before anything. We never fight, we have just purchased our first home. But I have moments (even 8 years on) that I think about my ex, then I start to have severe panic attacks wondering if this is even the person I want to spend my life with? But I know I deserve better then what I copped with my ex. I have everything and more with my current partner but sometimes I really struggle with letting go of my ex. I see things that remind me of her and I start to get anxiety. I had a dream of her last night, it was bliss. But today I have had anxiety all day and tonight had a massive panic attack. Because I can’t stop thinking about my dream which has once again made me question everything. But I just randomly have these dreams of her and I feel so guilty and I don’t want to tell my current girlfriend as it would break her heart. The times have had fights and she leaves me I realise I need her and I can’t live without her. I know I love her but I don’t know if I hold onto the lust of my first love and then the fact that my partner now and I have been together 8 years and it’s now more of a committed companionship and the honey moon phase is gone. I was young and carefree with my first love. Now I am grown with adult pressures and responsibilities. I have panic attacks about whether I am living a life I want to live. Im too scared to break up and possibly lose the most amazing girl, they say the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. I just feel lost in life and scared. Sorry this is long.

2 Replies 2

Community Member

Hi EMC7,

I am so sorry that you were abused , betrayed and finally abandoned in your last relationship, and yet you felt that you wanted her at any cost. You are definitely not alone having those kinds of feelings. It causes so much confusion doesn't it?

May I ask you, do you have a parent who was domineering and abandoning, or did your parents divorce when you were very young? That is often the explanation for feelings of `strong chemistry' with people who do not love or want you. Its a very powerful feeling, that can cause you a great deal of pain in life when you choose the wrong partners (and reject the right ones). However, it is possible to come to understand what it really means, and what to do when you feel attracted to behavior that is rejecting, hurtful, or painful.

If you were to make an appointment with a psychologist, I feel certain they would be able to help you understand it. I was lucky to meet a good psychologist when I was 20, and they helped me understand myself, and also how to deal with feelings of abandonment. It was so empowering for me, and I feel that you could benefit so much too.

I'm glad you are in a safe relationship now, with someone amazing who doesn't make you feel so anxious and hurt. You are in a very good place in life, I hope you will stay there:)

Community Champion
Community Champion

Hello EMC7

Welcome to the forum. This is a caring, supportive and nonjudgmental community.

Well done for taking the first step to write down your story and post it.

You are not alone in thinking what if about the past and about your ex.

Have you ever spoke to a counsellor or a psychologist about your feelings.

You have a loving partner now but our mind can play tricks on us.

Have you spoken to your doctor about your anxiety?

There is help available that may help you make sense of your thoughts and reams.

Thanks again for sharing your thoughts here.