Still in love with my ex who suffers from depression

[bubbles85]

My (f35) boyfriend (m29) ended our 8 month relationship about 2 months ago due to his depression. He was in a dark place and said he needed to work through it on his own. He had told me during the relationship about the fact he suffered from depression, but felt he wasn't strong enough to tell me his whole history with it. I never pushed and let him reveal things slowly as he felt comfortable.

Everything in the relationship seemed to fall apart in only a 2 week span from the time I could see he was struggling to when he ended things.

Over the last couple of months we still have been speaking sporadically and we work for the same company so I do still see him daily even if we do not speak.

I've been really struggling with the break up as I am still in love with him. The time and space has done nothing to dull these feelings. We fell hard and fast into the relationship, it was my first major relationship and his first since the first time he was in a serious depressive state.

I know he is in treatment and seems to have his good days and bad from what I can see when I see him around work.

I really want to tell him about how I feel but I am terrified of being rejected again. I feel like I am currently in limbo because I don't want to be putting any pressure on him while he is still unwell, but my feelings for him are still so strong. I'm looking for advise on how to navigate this.

[AYRC]

Hi bubbles85

I'm so sorry you've been feeling this way. It must be quite confusing to navigate. I can understand you would feel scared about how things turn out if you navigate it one way or another. Thanks for opening up about it here! Hopefully some of us can give some good advice.

Personally, I think that mental health is definitely something that affects a relationship and it's always best to be honest about it. He probably ended the relationship because he does actually feel the need to have some space to work on himself. That could also be because he feels that to be good for you, he needs to work on himself first. It's definitely a difficult situation to be in when things are so uncertain but I feel that you should give it some time. Ultimately of course, it's your decision.

Perhaps after a bit of space, you could open up and talk to him honestly about how you feel. I know it must be a bit daunting not knowing how he'll respond, but let him know what you told us on the forums in terms of the fact that you still have feelings for him and you want to support him but you are finding it difficult and don't want to put pressure on him. Hopefully things work out ok for you, but let us know!

[bubbles85]

Further to my above comment about the relationship falling apart in 2 weeks, i do really mean 2 weeks. We have one mutual friend who knows about his depression and she told me that she had told him only a month before he ended things that he was the best she had ever seen him and he agreed with her. So this latest depression came on suddenly.

[Tay100]

Hi bubbles85

Welcome to the forums, we understand posting in times like this can be hard, and we recognise that.

I'm sorry to hear of your relationship breakdown- whilst many people go through this, dealing with the reality of it can be overwhelming and emotions can be high.

It sounds this person needed some space just to deal with things they were going through themselves- but this can, of course, have an impact on you and that's valid. Perhaps this is an opportunity for you to focus on yourself too. How can you nurture yourself, and grow to be a better person? You can still be there for this person and still provide yourself compassion- it's tricky, but it's important and can be done. What has the relationship taught you? How can you grow and become more self-aware in light of what has happened? How can you practise self-compassion and self-love? Seeking out professional help can be a great way to facilitate this too.

Sending kindness,

Tay100

[bubbles85]

Thanks for the replies. We haven't spoken yet, but I have asked him that we do speak when he is having a good day and he has agreed to this. It does put the ball in his court, but I didn't want to spring anything on him and it gives me time to know exactly what I want to say.

[Tay100]

That sounds like a positive and productive move on your behalf. You are right- it puts the ball in his court. In the time, you can think about what you want to get across, yes, as well as focus on yourself. Engage in some self-care and nourish yourself emotionally. What might this look like for you?

[bubbles85]

I thankfully live in a state where we aren't too restricted due to COVID-19 so I am back doing things I love. Catching up with friends, going to watch the footy. Walking really helps clear my mind too

[bubbles85]

So we spoke and it did not go well. He is still completly closed off and I'm just heartbroken

I have spoken over the last couple of months to a couple of therapists but I just felt the first one didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, and the second I just felt worse after than I did before. I suppose just talking to someone could help though

[bubbles85]

And the hard part is, even as I was leaving I'm hoping that our conversation hasn't caused him and distress even though I was

[Tay100]

Hi bubbles85

I'm sorry to hear the conversation didn't go as well as you'd hoped- that can happen and it does suck. Whatever distress he feels because of the conversation, only he can deal with his feelings- the best thing you can do is look after you. That's what you can control. So, it's good that you have persisted with therapists- because you are right, talking to someone, especially a professional, can help. Sometimes you just have to find the right one and that can take time for a number of reasons. I encourage you to keep doing this and the other self-care things you mentioned. Walking is so underrated and has a host of benefits, so continue that. Thankfully, you've said covid isn't impacting your home to much, that's lovely to hear.

Keep us updated,

Tay100