Still felling extemly depessed and lonely a recent break up

[LaraC]

We were together almost 1 and a half years. In the beginning he was head over heels in love with me (told me after just 2 weeks) I was in love/crazy about him too.

we talked about moving in together and even went on an overseas holiday only a few months after we met... everything was going good, well for me anyway .

slowly things started going downhill, the smallest things about me were annoying him, these became larger things... and some issues due to what his family thought about me. He thought I was very self absorbed and selfish, when infact I was quite the opposite.

Cut a long story short... after about 6 months all the talk of moving in, marriage etc stopped, I accepted this because I am quite an easy going person and was just happy to let things plod along because I loved him so much and didn’t want to lose him.

After a year and a half together he decided he had had enough and he broke up with me. I went onto a deep depression for a bout a week, started on some new meds and am seeing a therapist.

my question is how do I stop thinking about him and continue the no contact rule? When he first ended it, I was completely in denial so wa still messaging him almost daily but now it has been almost 7 days and I haven’t called/texted nothing! I do feel good about this.... but in those really tough moments like Saturday nights or Sunday morning how can I stop myself from doing it.

my therapist has since told me that he was a narcissist which explains a lot! But I still love him,miss him, and want to be with him and I’m so angry at myself for feeling that way 😞

[Croix]

Dear LaraC~

I'm very sorry you have found yourself in this situation. Coming here may well help, there are others in the exact same situation. You sound very sensible and realistic, and have taken the obvious steps in seeking medical support. I'd think that has already paid dividends in that you know know what you are dealing with - a narcissistic personality, and the fact it is unlikely such a person will either put someone else first or change.

One of the reasons a lot of relationships last is due to the power of bonds: love, affection, care. Sadly you are having to go against all those strong emotions to deal with the present reality. I think it is pretty good that you have been able to stop contacting him - and that except at certain times - you are happy with yourself for being able to do that.

I imagine you already have an idea of when the worst times are - not all of them of course, but some. Do you think you can lay plans to be busy when those times are likely to arise? Be out visiting or some other strategy? Maybe even joining a club or gym so you have an easy thing you can do at short notice.

Anger can be good, but not directed at yourself. As he is the one that has treated you this way he is the one that deserves your ire. Sadly some people simply move from one relationship to another, getting the thrill or flush of getting into the relationship, then moving on to the next. A way of using people, heartless and cruel.

Do you have anyone in your life you can talk to and confide in? A family member or friend who would want to support you? It can help a lot

Croix

[LaraC]

Thank you for replying,

i do have a few people close to me that I have confided in.. it helps a bit but then when I’m alone the pain is there and the urge to contact him is so strong but I am trying my hardest to resist.

I feel so stupid for accepting his behaviour for so long, the whole time thinking that I had the problem and that I must be selfish. I became so used to him criticising me I just took it as normal.

I was a really confident person when I met him but over the year and a half he has managed to slowly make my self esteem the lowest it’s ever been and then he left.

Its also hard because friends/family never saw a bad side to him, they only saw the charming happy friendly guy.

i feel like I was so lead on in the beginning and I hate him for doing this to me. I just wish I could get him out of my head and stop caring about him and missing the relationship.

thank you for listening

[Croix]

Dear LaraC~

In some ways people like that are confidence tricksters. They are experts at pushing your buttons and work to reduce you to a state of self-blame and dependency. One you are there it may be time for a fresh victim. I doubt it even takes thought, I'd expect it is instinctive.

Coming up against someone like that it is hardly surprising you would tend to see things as your fault, the whole thing is designed to make you feel that way. It is not stupidity, it was just outside your experience.

I'm glad you have close people to talk with and feel certain you will return to the person you were before, but with new ways you can rely on for dealing with such people.

As I mentioned before as far as I know distraction and activity are the only real effective ways of coping until your life changes. It is very hard.

Croix