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Still dealing with loss of my daughter.

Pixie1
Community Member

Hi.

It will be 5 years this October since we lost our daughter. I am broken and don't know how to heal. I was doing really well. Was able to put her to the back of my mind and at least pretend to be happy.

I have this want for another baby. It hurts so much that my husband doesn't. How do I get through this? Everytime a friend or family member announces they are pregnant I feel jealous and angry and the feelings come back worse then ever. I feel sad all the time and cry all the time. I have no desire to do anything anymore the depression has hit me hard.

6 Replies 6

blondguy
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Pixie1

Welcome to the forums and I wish it was under better circumstances

I am very sorry for the loss of your baby daughter. I cant even begin to fathom the pain you are going through

I understand the depression though. Its been 21 years (and medicated) for me with depression

If I may ask you (if not, please ignore my question) why your husband doesnt want a another baby?

you are not alone here Pixie in anyway. There are many kind people that can be here for you

my kind thoughts for you

Paul

Pixie1
Community Member

Thank you.

I have suffered despression in the past and I honestly think it is time to go on medication for it. But where do I start? My other children are suffering.

My husband doesn't want another one because we already have 5. Our baby girl was a triplet and those first months before and after she died were hard. She was 3 months old.

The other two are now almost 5 and have started preschool. So we have have some quiet time on his days off. He believes this should be the start of our new chapter in our lives.

Hi Pixie, thanks for posting back. Its great to have you on the forums

I first saw my GP who was really blunt and put me anti-depressants even though I was anti meds at the time

GP's have better training now on depression and mental health Pixie. You have everything to gain and nothing to lose by having a chat (cry) to your GP.

Just using myself to show the benefits of taking meds after I was in the family court for 4 years...ugh!

  • My relationship with my daughter improved a lot (when she was 5) after starting the meds
  • My boss was happy as my work performance increased a lot
  • The big lows weren't as low anymore...they were 'manageable'

The meds have never been a 'fix all'....they provided me with a solid platform on which I could heal more effectively using a counselor and my GP on a regular basis

There are a lots of mums on the forums that have to hell and back that can be here for you Pixie

3 months old and a triplet.....I am so very sad for your loss Pixie. I would be the same as you are now..broken.

You said: "My other children are suffering"That took an incredible amount of strength to say Pixie

Beyond Blue also have 24/7 non judgemental qualified people on 1300 22 4636. If you get stuck and need a voice

Whether or not you and your husband choose to have another baby I really hope you can see your GP asap πŸ™‚

my kindest thoughts for you and your family Pixie

Paulx

Hi pixie1, welcome.

Paul has been his typical kind self. Amazing guy.

I find that the general rules of grief that is, to get through it, dont change much from peoples circumstances.

They are-

- to grieve fully, as much as you need, with no time limits (people that say "you should have moved on by now) are insensitive.

- distractions... hobbies, sports, activities, be busy. I even have a jigsaw half made and do a few pieces when bored.

- prioritising....youve done plenty of this. Put your hubby and other children first.

- special periods for continual grief....set periods when you can go through your photos and reflect.

- writing down feelings. I use poetry, it works wonders.

- connect with other people that have lost their child.

Now, all this is well and good but there is no easy way for anyone to comfort another greatly when it comes to grief.

Keep close contact with your GP. Nurture your heart. Reach out to your husband as he'd be in pain also and keep busy.

All the best

Tony WK

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
dear Pixie, my deepest condolences to you for the loss of your baby, but pretending to be happy means that you aren't over this tradgy so your depression has come back in force, well it didn't really go away.
Firstly I agree that you need to visit your doctor and ask about taking some medication, whether it's AD's or something else but it's not an instant cure, all it does is 'provide you with a solid platform'.
I can understand that you feel that your family is not complete, because this feeling happens when a family loses their treasured baby, the same happened with my brother and BIL and I know how difficult it was for them, although they didn't talk about it much, but you could see it coming from their eyes.
You can't be sure whether or not you may have another baby, sometimes fate is stronger than destiny.
Hope that you do get much better and please keep posting on this site. Geoff. x

gld
Community Member

Hello Pixie1,

I feel i have no words that could mend your sorrow, as a mother's bond for her children is great.

A good friend of mine lost one of their children at an early age and has found ways to make the difficult times more manageable. They hold on to the moment of joy they were born, on their birthday each year they write them a card and spend some time to think about the joys of being that age. The child would be in their twenties now and this has helped them through their grief.

There is nothing out there saying you have to get rid of grief but it is vital you look after your own well being so you are able to live, share some of that strong love you have with the other family members that crave it and continue to create joyous memories.

Reading others posts i feel they have put forward some great points to consider to help improve your own well being.

β€œGrief is a journey, often perilous and without clear direction, that must be taken. The experience of grieving cannot be ordered or categorized, hurried or controlled, pushed aside or ignored indefinitely. It is inevitable as breathing, as change, as love. It may be postponed, but it will not be denied.” ~ Molly Fumia

β€œAs long as we can love each other, and remember the feeling of love we had, we can die without ever really going away. All the love you created is still there. All the memories are still there. You live on in the hearts of everyone you have touched and nurtured while you were here.” ~ Mitch Albom

I am holding on to hope for you that your grief will become more gentle on you.

Be kind to yourself and let others support you through the difficult times.

Love and Hugs,

Gen