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I first met my partner 5 years ago and she had a son. He was 5 at the time. I tried to bond and create a friendship with him. It worked for a while but as he got older the tension between us grew. He is now 10. He is a very defiant and disrespectful child. He likes to be in control and doesn't like rules.This may sound typical but it isn't. I see him be disrespectful and defiant to his mum on a daily basis.
He is in a stage of manipulating situations to suit what he wants at that point of time aswell. As a stepparent (in this relationship anyway), my role is to step back and not be involved in any discipline. If i do become involved, there are issues for me and my partner.
So i have to sit back and watch while he torments my other children, wakes them up on purpose when they are sleeping, and does what he can to feed his addiction of computer gaming.
You may think that i need to show him love and acceptance as a stepchild, but i honestly do. I do special things just for him. I take him go-karting, i made a campfire in our backyard. I organise fun things for him. Yet, he throws it all back in my face. Tells me these things are boring.
Is it bad that i don't really like him either at the moment? I know that sounds horrible but the kid torments me, tells me to shut up, go away, he has laid punches into me (at the strength of a 10 year old, but still), he is ruining any chance of me having a loving relationship with his mother. He is impacting my ability to be a dad myself. I feel a strong sense of anxiety whenever i am in a room with him. I don't want him around and enjoy it when he goes to his dad's place for the occasional weekend. Does this make me a bad person?
My partner will always have her son's best interests at heart first and she believes that this problem rests with me. He uses this to his advantage and has heard us talk about this. He now tells his mum that i'm being mean if i ask him something in an attempt to create issues between us. He now even tells me off if i try to discipline my own children..
What do i do...?
Ive been a step parent on two occasions each over 7 years duration. It isn’t an easy situation.
Upon reflection of my own experiences, hindsight, I wouldn’t have entered into that role. Why?
My temperament, the child/children’s attitude, complexities and the mothers softness on discipline... in my cases.
Of course no family situation is identical. The best blend to have could mean several key ingredients that “mesh” well, eg no mental illnesses (I have bipolar), a content happy child with low demands, a friendship between step parent and step child etc. in most cases the Brady bunch doesn’t evolve well.
I’ve re-read your post, it is a reflection of frustration and desperation. The tension between you and your partner is immense and could result in termination. This is more likely as your relationship with your own children suffers more and your partner doesn’t respond sufficiently to her sons anti social behaviour.
In most cases the home stability won’t improve regardless of any counseling attempted, the chemistry is either there or it isn’t. Eg you can’t change people nature. Your partners lack of support for you is set in stone.
The only hope you have imo is if your stepson changes in the next several years- for the better. Again, highly unlikely.
Im sorry I cannot provide a more positive view. I can only hope you and your partner can agree on some very basic rules protecting the rights of all concerned, such house rules must be maintained and enforced. Eg the right for people to wake naturally, the unacceptable act of violence in any form including verbal and so on.
You can try family counseling but your partner must attend to have any hope.