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Staying with my bipolar husband is making me sick

Moesha
Community Member

Hi guys, I am new to this whole forum, telling people my story thing so am a bit scared but, I need help and it’s now or never.

i married my husband 16 years ago. In the first 11 years of our marriage he had 5 different affairs, had all the traits of bipolar highs but wasn’t diagnosed until I wanted a divorce and he finally got help and a diagnosis. We have 4 children ages ranging from 15 to 8 years. This is my second marriage and have tried very hard to keep my family together as I know the pain divorce can have on children and didn’t want this to happen to my kids. My problem is, I have all the responsibilities of this family, from bill paying, to home schooling to grocery shopping, kids doctors appts, (my 10 yr old has ASD, 16 yr old has Anxiety & my husband who has just gotten a full time job, to rubbish disposal and the list goes on. He does nothing around the house and when I ask him to, he gets angry and abusive. He watches tv, plays games and is teaching our 10 year old the same lifestyle while spending no time with the girls. He constantly picks on our 15 yr old daughter and says she’s just like his older sister with whom he has no relationship and disposes. I want to leave but I’m scared my kids will be affected badly by it. We live separate lives, sleep in different rooms, he sleeps with our son, and I’m so tired of holding up the front especially in front of our religious friends and congregation. Separation is something you don’t do. I’m not in love with him but care for him as we’ve had some good times. I’m just over the lies, the money spending, the joy he gets from playing the happy charismatic guy to others and the lazy, selfish husband that’s at home. How do I leave when I feel so trapped?

10 Replies 10

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Moesha~

Welcome here to the Forum. It is difficult to tell other people about yourself, not just the worry about what others may say or think, but even getting everything down in an understandable manner that is balanced and fair. Everyone here can empathize and understand where you are coming from, you have made it pretty clear.

Living with somebody that has bipolar can be a roller-coaster to disaster and back, financially, emotionally and practically. Unfortunately it seems to go further than that, with his influence on the children not being good at all.

True, a separation or divorce can have far reaching effects - on you as well as the kids, you sadly have the experiencing already.

At the moment by the sound of it you do the lot, everything in the house, plus the children plus try to deal wiht your husband, and do not have anything being given back, well not by him. How do you get on with your children, is there love there both ways?

The younger being shown a selfish and isolating lifestyle, and your elder having an anxiety condition I guess you have to weight up your past experience against what is happening right now -bearing in mind nobody, you included, is an inexhaustible well of strength.

What do you think you alternatives are -realistically? What are the things stopping that happening?

Do you have anyone to care for and help you? A parent or family member or friend you can talk things over wiht, who will be sensible and give support?

Croix

Moesha
Community Member

Hi Croix, I have my brothers ex wife, we have known each other for 30 years and seen each other through both of our previous divorces, kids growing up etc and she has seen me go through this marriage and the 16 years of holding on but believes it’s time to end the abusive see saw which is slowly killing me.

im scared my children will be worse off especially when it’s time for access visits as he doesn’t look after them properly, my eldest daughter having been indecently assaulted by a friend of the family right under his nose. I have no family to leave them with for a break.

i get chest pain when he’s home because I don’t know what’s going to happen from one minute to the next.

Moesha
Community Member
Hi again Croix, I have an awesome, loving relationship with my children to answer your question. Realistically, it’s either stay and continue the way things are or leave and be mum and dad to the kids, which is exhausting but expecting my husband to step up is something he has never done. Oh he says what I want to hear and promises the world but never delivers. Add verbal and emotional abuse to the mix and it’s very stressful

quirkywords
Community Champion
Community Champion

Moesha,

I can understand how hard it can be to post here and you have told your story honestly and from the heart.

I have had a diagnosis of bipolar for over 40 years and I have also lived with someone with an mental illness.

I know how exhausting it is to have bipolar but I also know how confusing and exasperating it is living with some one with bipolar or another mental illness.

I can see how tired and frustrated you are but also confused over what to decide to do for the future.

You said that your Husband finally got help and a diagnosis several years ago. I wonder is tell having treatment and seeing a doctor and or a psychiatrist and or a psychologist? Did you notice a change in is behaviour after his diagnosis and help.?

I can see you are a loving mum and want to do what is best for them. If your husband is not responsible when minding the children can he be supervised ?

Have you worked out a plan for leaving the relationship, will your husband agree to leave, does he know what you want to do?

I can see how let down you feel when your husband makes false promises and let you down.

Thanks again for sharing your story.

Quirky

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Moesha~

I think that having a loving relationship with you children says a lot about you, and I'm glad your brother's ex is in some ways a kindred soul and there is support, which I suspect has gone in both directions.

As Quirky mentioned a few years ago your husband did make some sort of effort to seek medical support after being put on the spot by your talking divorce. Again I'll use that horrible word 'realistically' do you think such pressure would make him seriously try for therapy long-term, and for it to be effective? By the sounds of it that last trail did not really make much difference.

Living in an environment where religion is a factor can make things harder. My own experience is that empathetic and supportive people are so no matter what their religious convictions, and they are the ones I try to concentrate on.

I suppose the status quo is an option, it does most probably give oyu more supervision of hte kids, not something you'd have on separation and 'father' days. Still you do have to be around to give that attention.

Chest pain would for me very much be a warning sign that my body -and mind- had it's limitations. Can I ask if you have had it thoroughly checked out -stress test etc? Even if there is no simple physical cause it is a pretty potent indicator you are in a situation that really does need changing one way or another.

May I also ask if you are seeing a GP or other medical professional? By the time physical effects come to the fore it is probably also time to see if you have a condition such as anxiety that merits treatment, or at least supervision.

Do you think it might be worth sounding out your options with an organization that is used to these situations and can offer practical advice? Our own 24/7help line could steer you to services in your area, also perhaps Relationships Australia.

It may sond a silly question given the constraints on your time and fatigue, but are there things you can do for your own personal enjoyment and satisfaction - just as a means of relaxation and distraction each day?

Croix

Hello Quirky, thankyou for your support in replying to me. My husband did change as his meds were changed, it was a game changer as he no longer sought out affairs or indulged in risky behaviour. He’s been on this medication for 5 years, does see a doctor when he needs a repeat script but hasn’t seen a psych since the first diagnosis.

My husband knows I want to separate and is trying to control his outbursts in the hope that I won’t make that final statement. I don’t want to leave our home as the stress would be huge on the kids and I think he would go if I made it not an option to stay. It’s almost like he’s waiting to see how much I can put up with. He apologises for how I’m feeling, it’s so sad but I’m going to end up in the nut house if somethings not done. Thankyou again for listening

Moesha
Community Member

Hi again Croix, I’ve never had a stress test, my doctor has prescribed me medication as my depression progresses over time. Thankyou very much for the suggestion of the helpline and Relationships Australia, I will definitely tap into those resources.

I love to paint, I’ve taught my children to express themselves through art, whether it be playing the piano, dancing or picking up a paintbrush. I haven’t been able to get into that zone of late, there’s so much housework, errands, appts to do, one doesn’t have the time. I will try and endeavour to do that in the future though, it’s a good point you made.

My husband came home tonight and said his parents want to move to our town to help us with the kids as they know we are struggling as a married couple. This could be a good thing or a bad thing. I do get on with his mother now, but it hasn’t always been that way in the early years of our marriage but she’s seen how I’ve stuck by her son and helped him over the years. It would help greatly with having a break now and again. Anyway, we’ll see how that pans out. Thankyou nice again for your listening ear Croix

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Moesha~

I would suggest getting those pains checked out properly, I had to. If htey are nothing then no harm done - plus a benefit, if you are like me you would have worried about what they were.

Now with your in-laws moving closer, what do you think? I would imagine there are at least a couple of up-sides, more help wiht the kids, and if you did separate a controlling eye on your ex when it was his turn to have them.

I was lucky with my MIL, she tended to side with me rather than her own daughter. It worked out, mind you if she had sided the other way I might have seen her as an intrusion. Fortunately my wife took it all in her stride -she was a remarkable lady.

You don't paint that hopeful a picture of your husband changing. True he did go on meds and stuck to them to prevent you leaving, do you think realistically there is a chance of more improvement with parents to hand and you making things very clear?

I'm very pleased to hear art plays a part in your life, and that of your children too. My painting skills are limited to houses, however I do jot down some short accounts, mostly sentimental stuff, and I find it really does help when pressed. So if you can make time the change of pace and perspective could help.

Croix

Moesha
Community Member
Yes I think it could go either way with the in-laws moving into town. I’ll keep you posted. 😁