Stay together for the kids?

[cady2015]

Hi all. Thank you in advance for listening. Isn’t it funny how talking to strangers is easier than friends and family? I’m not really sure of the purpose but I just have a lot on my chest.

My husband and I have had some problems. A few years ago, I found out he’d been speaking with strangers on SnapChat and Tinder. It’s been an ongoing issue. He says it isn’t personal and it isn’t physical, therefore, it isn’t cheating. We finally came to an agreement that it was a breech of trust and therefore, there wasn’t a place for it in our marriage. Then, I found out it was happening again about 6 months ago. I’ve been absolutely shattered ever since.

He was remorseful and we did have some supportive conversations to begin with. But he’s gone back to business as usual while I’m unsure how to rebuild trust.

I feel like I can’t tell anyone because I want to protect him. But it’s eating me up and making day to day life difficult. I am irritable, anxious and depressed.

I’ve given my everything to our small family. We have a small child. I don’t work and have no where to go. I’d need full time work and childcare to be able to leave him. I’ve brought it up lately and he doesn’t see the big deal. He thinks I need to move on.

“Staying together for the kids” and a stable life: worth it? It’s the biggest cliché, I know. I feel like I would have left a long time ago if I wasn’t pregnant or in the depths of postpartum when this stuff was happening. And now we have Erin, I’m floored.

I want our family. But I feel he may have broken it. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear cady2015
 
Welcome to the Beyond Blue forums we are so glad that you have made you way here and had the bravery to post. We want you to know that this is a safe space to discuss your thoughts, feelings and experiences and receive honest responses and suggestions from fellow forum users.
 
We are sorry you have gone through this, betrayal in a relationship is highly challenging, particularly when your partner provides his excuses and is likely to want to move on from this, whereas you are looking for answers and reassurance that it won't happen again.  Despite wanting to trust him to keep your family together, you are also feeling that trusting again may not be possible.
 
Please know that in addition to the forums, we are also here 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or via our Webchat.  Our team who answer the phones are ready to have a supportive and non-judgmental chat whenever you need it.
 
We’re sure to hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.
 
Regards
 
Sophie M

[Juliet_84]

Firstly, I will say that talking to random women (I’m assuming they happened to be women?) on dating sites is a massive breach of your trust, whether he chooses to validate it or not. Did he ever explain to you what his intention was for joining these sites and talking to strange women? You may never know how far he intended to take things if he met someone he clicked with but either way he is putting himself in harms way. I can understand how that can make you feel incredibly demoralized and betrayed when you have been giving your all to your family, it’s a kick in the teeth. And then to be gas-lit that it’s not a big deal and you should be over it is a double blow. Partners will often double-down on their bad behaviour and defend it as they don’t want to display any admission of guilt when the reality is that all you want is for your feelings to be acknowledged and some contrition so that you can have some confidence that it won’t ever happen again. You mention not being able to tell anyone but have you considered a relationship counsellor? The reason that I ask is that they will at least hold him accountable for his behaviour and also validate your feelings (in front of him) - when I had my feelings constantly invalidated by you partner, it was nice to have someone hear me and hold him accountable. I do feel that you need to get to the bottom of this behavior as you do have a small family, which is a consideration so it’s better to explore all avenues and then reach a decision. 
Juliet

[ecomama]

Dear cady, I empathise with you & am so sorry this is happening.
This is a safe space for you to share, so I welcome you very warmly & hope being here gives you some comfort. 

It is cheating. 
Having any types of affairs without the other partner knowing / consenting is a definite breech of trust. 
If these are "only" online, then they're emotional affairs. Red flag. 

He's broken your trust & seems "meh" about it. More red flags.  

Congratulations on having your little girl. It's such a special time. Hugs. 

Where to next? these are your choices to make but it appears H will not change / is happy with the status quo. That doesn't mean you must be. Do you feel trapped? That's how I felt 100%. 

I would get my ducks in a row.
During this time, the actions you opt to take can benefit you all if you stay and you and your daughter if you leave. These are the things I will mention atm. 
You will need emotional support beginning now. Seeing a Counsellor will help you a lot. You can call the BB Helpline and ask for Counselling Groups near you. You may also be able to link in with your local Women's Health Centre and ask about mum's groups and Counselling. I loved their "Breaking Free" Course and they offered extremely cheap childcare for the 2 hours. The Courses were free or only $2 per session. 

Career. If you already have Qualifications that are useful for future employment, then good. 
If not, begin thinking now. Select a field and begin training asap. Many Courses you can do online. (My eldest d began studying when in similar situation and now she's left, she's completing her Honors in Psychology). 

This will EMPOWER you to know you can leave and support yourself and your little girl. 

All is not lost!
In fact if you feel like visiting a site to read, Chump Lady is great. Her catch cry is "Leave a cheater, gain a life". I've had to do this twice and have never regretted leaving either H for one nanosecond. 

I'm not saying it was easy but it was worth every bit of struggle to do so. Life is not easy as a single mum either but it's far easier than having to put up with gaslighting garbage. In fact it's peaceful now. I've met a wonderful man, am engaged and hopefully we can pull things together.... but if we can't, I'm far happier without a bad H any day. 

Love EM

[geoff]

Hello Cady, behaviour like this should never be expected when you are married, unless the marriage has broken down, in which case you need to separate.

Staying together for the kids is not possible because they too feel the tension and would rather live in two happy lives, rather than one unhappy marriage.

You can legally separate in the one house and then you can apply for Centrelink benefits and once this is done, they will pay the bond money and 2 weeks rent, which you slowly pay off, so it's definitely achievable.

I can't tell you what to do, however, to live under these conditions is impossible and once you do move away, you will become a different person.

At the moment he says it's not physical, but if a meeting between him and another person was established, then it may be another situation.

Please let us know how you feel.

Geoff.

Life Member.

[cady2015]

Thank you. He did tell me. It was never to meet up with anyone but to have explicit one-off conversations. I will look into relationship counselling. Thank you

[jaz28]

Hi there,

I am sorry this has happened and you have encountered a breach of trust. I do not think what he did was okay and you are right to feel shattered.

Staying together for the kids seems like the safe option for a lot of kids, heck, my parents did it. But being a child of this kind of relationship, I do not think it was healthy for me to see a loveless marriage, because I did not know that husbands and wives showed affection. I would get stunned at friends' places when their parents did because mine never did. Now, I feel sorry for them that they endured years of an unhappy relationship for us. Now they are broken up, and much happier. I am so much more in favour of their happiness than ours at this stage in my life. BUT every relationship is different and you have to make the best decision for you and your gorgeous little one.

Just my two cents but please know your worth.

Jaz xx