Stay or go

[Avondale1234]

Hi there

I’m 25 and have been in a 5 year relationship.
my partner and I get along well and are best friends, super supportive of each other and families get along, we are different but it has always allowed us to grow and learn from each other. we used to have sex and showed intimacy often

this year we moved in together and it’s been challenging. I have been suffering from depression and anxiety for years but this year it’s been extremely difficult to see our relationship clearly.

I want things to work, but I constantly feel like things are very up and down. We are good one minute and arguing the next. I don’t know how I feel about him anymore, I love him but I feel like something isn’t right with me or I don’t love him enough. it so hard for me to figure out how I really feel when I’m crowded by my anxious thoughts.

I want things to work, we try to communicate but lately I have been more tired and exhausted I feel like I’m not able to work on myself and our relationship at the same time

I don’t know what I’m looking for from this forum but I feel lost, any advice is welcome.

thank you

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Avondale...

I think your post will relate to a lot of people..

Moving in together can be very stressful...We don’t really get to know our partners until we make that one very big move and move in with them....It really is a big move..

Thats when we really do find out little quirks and habits that we don’t get to see when living apart..,People can be seeing each other for many years, then once they move in together things change as it’s a 24/7 seeing each other situation without being able to go to your own place for time out..sort of thing...

Maybe sit down and talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, as you said he is very supportive as he loves and cares for you...I’m sure he will want to help you through this huge adjustment on both your lives by moving in together...,

I wish you all the best beautiful Avondale, and I’m here when you feel up to talking...as are the other beautiful members of the Beyond Blue community...

My kindest thoughts with care.,

Grandy..

[quirkywords]

Avondale

Thanks for your topical thread.

I think after five years of dating and maybe a few nights together regularly you feel you really know someone.

Living together 24/7 as you are finding out is so different.

I agree with Grandy see if you can sit down when you are both relaxed and not tired , and really listen to each other.
It sounds like you have a great friendship and he would be supportive.

I know of couples who have been married for over 40 years yet in first year had a few problems.

I think if your partner is aware of how you feel it will probably help both of you to improve your relationship .

[Guest_3256]

hi there Avondale1234.

I'd like to let you know how courageous you are for reaching for support because it shows that you are looking for resolution in your life. It does get me thinking about your situation and what you can do change the dynamic in your relationship. An interesting fact to know is that we have the power to make things better and that we are the only ones in control of our over-all wellness which cannot hinder our spouses in any way.

We also must accept that we are not perfect and that we need to love each others flaws. Now, you post is more about you if anything. You mentioned that you have some difficulties with your health and that you feel that your love might not be enough for him anymore. Love only ever becomes stronger as we learn to grow and flourish and when we start to doubt ourselves as not being worthy enough of our partner, it means that we need to learn to value, love and be passionate about who we are. In other ways, our own issues are thing we need to own and learn to grow from.

Our partners are not us, they do not need to take responsibility for our behaviours because the only ones to make us happy are ourselves. If we want to be happy, we need to resolve our inner conflicts and trust that we can be the best versions of ourselves and that's not just for ourselves, it's for our partners too. keep up you amazing and brilliant mind, be kind and true to yourself and be the happiest possible.

[geoff]

Hello Avondale, and welcome to the site.

After being in a 5 year relationship you would imagine that you knew everything about each other, but as soon as you move in together, then the pendulum changes, because now you both learn to know how you and your b/friend actually live and what each of you does that you didn't know of before.

This can increase your anxiety with the worry of whether you'll be able to handle living with him, because love and living together are two different issues here.

In other words, you can love someone when you're dating or have been going with, but as soon as you're with them 24/7 365 days a year, the situation can change immensely.

Write down what you believe makes you anxious living with him and ask him to do the same, then you can discuss whether or not it's feasible this relationship is achievable and any trouble happens then get a third person to adjudicate a meeting.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Avondale1234]

Hi everyone

thanks for your help and support.
I ended up having a very open and honest conversation and we both admitted it hasn’t been healthy for either of us recently. We are both struggling and can see where problems are coming from but we do want to work through it and make things work.
I just still feel so anxious - whenever we have an argument my immediate thoughts are whether or not we are making the right decision. It’s draining me that our relationship is having such an impact on our health - as much as we are trying every time we argue or slip I feel like I can’t do it anymore.
deep down I feel maybe I am not in this anymore but I do still wish that it worked and that it wasn’t this hard. I do love him but I don’t know how much more I can take.
thanks for any advice in advance.

[Guest_3256]

Hi Avondale1234.

Good to hear form you again. I'd like to share some insight if it may help with how you are feeling. I am wondering fi you have spoken to a health professional such as a GP about your difficulties as it can be really hard on a relationship. Sometimes when we struggle with a sense of who we are, it may help to seek some assistance to learn some adequate coping strategies for how you handle certain situations. It's totally normal to experience disagreements with our partners, however, when we are at a point where we cannot grasp what we are putting ourselves through, it may be time to find out what we can do to keep our mental wellness on track.

If we do not learn to find value and happiness in our lives, we can affect our partners health. Please look after yourself and be the happiest version that you can be. It will be worth the investment.

[Avondale1234]

Hi JShua

thanks for your message. I have been seeing a psych and gp and have been trying to get help for about a year now. But you are correct in that I don’t feel like I have a strong sense of self. I am trying hard to work on myself but it’s been really hard for me to pinpoint where problems are coming from - whether I am overthinking and becoming anxious about us because that is my natural reaction, or if I genuinely should be concerned or making a decision about my future

but yes I guess I’ll have to keep trying to work on myself. It’s just extremely difficult to work on myself and this at the same time when they affect each other.