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Starting again

Knux
Community Member

Hello fellow members,

I recently separated from my wife after 19 years marriage,leaving 3 kids behind and moving interstate to be with family.I was a stay at home dad and was a shift worker.The pressures of life and the fact we didn’t see each other much put an end to the marriage.

I have started a new job and put on a brave face at work and am liked by other employees.But for me when I’ve finished work I just shut down,feelings of despair and wondering if I can look at a lady again let alone date again.I am shy but put on a smile to hide my true feelings.At 43 Im not sure I can try again.

7 Replies 7

Janey123
Community Member

Hi Knux,

Sorry to hear of your separation, it must be exceptionally tough moving away from your life of 19 years.

Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal and start building a new life. It's great that you are getting along with your colleagues, maybe put off the daunting idea of dating for now, just focus on making a couple of mates and finding some hobbies or social groups where you feel comfortable. Small steps are far more manageable, and over time they will make your life happier.

I'm quite introverted and shy by nature, so I like watching movies in my spare time or when I'm felling a bit down. What kind of things do you think you could do with your time outside of work that might make you feel better?

As for the feelings of despair, if they persist for longer than you think they should, a chat with a GP would be a good idea. It helped me with my mental health issues immensely. Remaining professional and positive at work is probably wise, but you may benefit from talking to someone about what you are going through.

Janey 🙂

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Knux~

Having this happen after so many years realy does change your world and to start with everything is fresh and feeling defeated and hopeless is only natural. I don't have quit the same experience, my partner passed away after 25 years and the world ended.

I mention this because my life did resume, I remarried (when older than you) and it has worked wonderfully for 20+ years. You are going though the first stage, great grief, preoccupation, and no doubt a deal of self-doubt. This state of life does change.

In the interim I found both work and friends to be the biggest sources of relief, allowing me to bury myself in activity in my job, and have the sympathy and humor of people close to me. Not a phase of my life I'd ever want to repeat.

You too have your employment and the move to your family sounds a pretty good idea. Even if they may not understand 100% you are not quite alone. Putting on that cheerful mask is probably the only sensible way to handle things. I've an idea that if one is happy it comes out as a smile, and the reverse is true, if one smiles on the outside a little happiness leaks inward.

Wondering about a future relationship, if you are capable, if it would end up the same, all thoughts to be expected. I don't think you have to worry. It is all pretty academic at the moment and there is no need to do anything right now. If you are like me when you eventually see someone special your feelings will take over and you will want to take action.

Janey has offered some pretty good ideas, taking things a small step at a time, trying to do things that give you enjoyment and if feeling overwhelmed having a chat (in an extended appointment) to a GP or counselor.

There are many here who will relate to your circumstances, please post as often as you would like

Croix

jason600
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hey Knux thinking about you and what your going through. My partner left 6 weeks ago so still pretty raw .At work now and feeling pretty low and anxious , which I have been told is normal.Just letting you know your not alone and people are thinking of you.

Jason

Doolhof
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

HI Knux and Jason,

Sorry to read you are both in a similar boat right now. People around you may not really get what is going on for you, but hopefully they will be understanding and supportive. Letting people know you are having a rough day can be a good thing, yo don't have to go into details, just a brief, "Not doing so well today" will help people know something is up.

Is it possible to ask people at work if they want to join you for a movie? You don't have to make it a huge event, just a movie, a drink maybe then go your own way. You have some company that way.

Finding hobbies and interests you can share with others is beneficial. When we moved from the city tot he country 5 years ago I felt rather lost leaving my friends behind, so I found places to volunteer so I could meet new people.

Going through stages of grief, anxiety, stress and depression are certainly normal. Finding ways to deal with these thoughts, emotions and feelings help. As Croix and Janey have mentioned, there are people out there ready and willing to help you through.

Wishing you both well as you re-discover yourselves and who you want to be.

Cheers from Dools

jason600
Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member
Hey thanks for the support , today is a ruff day , just made the big mistake of texting my partner who wants the six month break. I asked her if she was OK with the idea of me sending my thoughts. Explained why I thought our relationship had come to the point of taking a break , and if we were to get back together how we could make it better.Stupid really but it was on my mind .Well she didn't reply so feel even worse now.

There
Community Member

Hi Knux,

Welcome and thank you for sharing. We are all here for you. Everyone has had great suggestions and thoughts for you.

I’m so sorry to hear of your separation. Anything would be hard to imagine right now. Give yourself some time to adjust. It’s times like these you find out who you are and what you want. I always find self reflection helpful.

I’ve been there, with my ex husband for 10 years. It was hard to go on and it takes time. I couldn’t even think of anyone but him. I then met my ex (8 weeks into a break up - 18 months together). Yes we’ve broken up (and I wish we hadn’t) but he showed me that there are others out there and I could start over. Trust yourself and only you can know when you’re ready. Try and push yourself to do things you like doing. It’s hard to focus on yourself when all you want to do is switch off but push yourself. Lean on your friends and family.

Professionals are always a great help too. Your GP or a psychologist have helpful insights, sometimes answers or just a different angle of looking at things.

I hope today hasn’t been too hard. Always here to listen.

J x

Knux
Community Member

Thankyou so much for the detailed responses.Its heartening too know people care.Ill try my best and keep in touch.

A big thanks,take care.

Knux.