Son hooked on weed and borderline girlfriend

[listeningmind]

I am at a loss on how to assist our son. 17. He has always been strong willed, kind and intelligent but also disorganised and emotionally immature, prone to angry outbursts. He could easily have ADHD but avoids assessment 

last year he started seeing a girl also 17 who was diagnosed BPD. She is very possessive and demanding of his attention. He has suddenly changed since meeting her 

He stays at her house 6 out of 7 nights and her mother supports them smoking weed every day (and apparently financially) He has told me he’s addicted, the mother is of no assistance. He has stopped sport, learning to drive and barely does  his one hospitality shift a week. He rarely sees any other friends anymore and they don’t go out They are both enrolled in uni but also have entitled attitudes with poor work ethic. Even when he’s home (usually only due to our pressure) she comes with him and they stay in his room, draining the cupboards of food 

We have  little contact 

i am constantly anxious about this 

How do we get through to him and prevent him from going down this path. I’m trying to maintain the connection 

it’s devastating to see him make these choices. He still has a lot to learn. It feels we’ve lost him and I’m grieving! 

what can we do 

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A tough situation to be in no doubt about that.

I think any friends he has will likely have a poor work ethic, thats more that age than anything else. Boys dont mature fully until 25yo or thereabouts. In fact your son is displaying that and unfortunately his GF's mother is his worst influence by all accounts. The fact his GF has BPD is not a factor IMO except his likely inability to handle the trait associated with that as he is immature. I think if you wait a while their relationship will form cracks and he'll be home again but of course that will only give you some chance at rehabilitating him back on track. All planets need to line though for that to happen, drug free environment, grow up a bit, no money to finance weed etc and the most important thing- insight from him and determination to change.

For what its worth, my opinion is that a girl in a 17yo boys life with sexual activity removes a lot of activities he once had and this is quite common, so some things you can eliminate as being someone elses fault, its in a guys DNA to chase and "nothing else matters" mentality. I'm a guy so can vouch. His GF didnt lure him away from these things, he fell for her and chose to drop them off.

I'm doubting he is "addicted". I think there is a possibility he is saying that to justify the continuation of the habit as that has become his environment that is all fun and no responsibility. So, what can you do?

I learned a big lesson with my niece, she was 12yo and left her home to live with a priests family, his wife and 5 kids. We went to the police and they told us "at 12yo she knows what she wants, we cant take her away from that house and return her to you". We were flabbergasted and it highlighted the lack of control a parent or uncle/godfather has with the control over children and your son is almost an adult. 

This means your options are few. What you have going for you is influence when you see him and you are still in contact. There is a high risk you'll lose him altogether is you push too hard due to the last paragraph. Grief makes us behave emotionally and impatience although understandable could be your enemy. I say this because if he was to cut you off from what he sees as parents against him and his great lifestyle, you then have no control, no influence and no contact... that grief will be far more than you have now.

When we have little control we need to sit back and consider ourselves more, be kind to ourselves, make sure he knows the love is always there and allow him free reign to go through these experiences until he realises it isnt him, it isnt the man his parents wanted him to end up as and he isnt getting anywhere. During that process of several years, he might not be with this girls family.

Being there is the most important thing. Distraction is your friend by keeping busy. Remaining in his life albeit not much time, is his rock that would damage him more if you roll it away.

You are a very good mother, this situation was out of your control, it isnt a gauge on your parenthood.

Time will see him come to you more.

TonyWK 

[listeningmind]

Thanks so much for the reply Tony 

You have made me feel better about it all. I recognise we have to let him make his own mistakes and realise for himself (or not) 

Any contact is better than no contact I guess and we can focus on making him (and her) feel welcome in the family fold. I take your point re first sexual relationship and hadn’t thought of that. I’m hoping that starting uni may broaden his horizons a bit and expose him to some healthier friendship groups. 
Im appalled at your experience with your niece! How distressing for the whole family! I hope she has returned to your family or you have all somehow got through 

Thanks  so much for your wise words…they are just what I needed! 

[tranzcrybe]

• Defer Uni - if son is immature, this could be a wasted year anyway
• Take 'family holiday' using excuse to visit sick relative or any other 'binding' obligation
• Time away (as long as it takes) will promote detox allowing you to have a distraction free audience, in moderation, amongst other bonding activities for diversion/support
• Show him the bigger picture without embellishment or cotton-balling (action, consequence, choices)
• Son might be in a better frame of mind to see eye to eye if not treated like a child
• Respect and reassure him of his freedom to follow his own path
• Reassure yourself that you have provided the support and guidance he deserves in times of need (so he remembers to call on you again next time)
• Sigh, and trust in the resilience of youth to find their way... eventually

[white knight]

Thankyou Listeningmind

Tranzcrybe has some great ideas above. It might be difficult treating him as an adult because at 17yo it was only 2 years ago he was 15 and so forth but give it a crack.

My niece is now 40yo and sadly never returned to her family, became a priest in that cult and married within the group- of course as they do.

Even at 18yo I bought her an old car she needed to get to work. I was a good uncle but not of their faith and so it was all terminal.

Hence that age they often choose their own path and all we can do is be there. If we sever the cord they find it easier to go forward without us.

TonyWK