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Someone hear me..
It would mean a lot to get a response but I'm writing to get all these feelings off my chest... What is worse than feeling worthless and not loved at all? My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years now and have been through a lot but it saddens me how I still feel unrecognized and not worth it at all. Sometimes, I dont know anymore who to hate. Is it me, for being so sensitive and emotional? That I give way too much for him? Is it me that I always want him around. That the thought of losing him scares me.. It hurts me so much that I cannot be honest with him at all without being judge or him attacking me with his own words. So I try, I try to live with those "short-happy moments" because thats when I'm happy. And I would rather that than him getting angry at me and leaving me.
I do know he loves me, but only in certain levels. Only when i'm okay. When its easy to love me. when its convinient for him.. Yet, I still choose to stay because I am hoping, hoping he would one day see how Ive been there through it all. That i never left.
My anxiety is getting worse.. My depression is slowly coming back. Im not sure how long I can hold it all together and convince myself that it is going to be okay.. soon..
My heart is crying. I want to rest for months. I want to sleep for months maybe he would then miss me and see my worth.
Im extremely tired.
I can only imagine what you're going through right now as I've never been in a relationship, ironically I'm always the one giving relationship advice to my friends.
One of my close friends has been in a very similar situation to the one you're in right now and the advice I gave to her was to really just ask herself and interrogate herself whether being in the relationship is causing more harm than good. The fact is the every relationship will have its ups and downs but if yours is seemingly dominated by the downs or if you find yourself to be questioning your worth in the relationship on a constant then maybe this relationship isn't the one for you.
If he's not loving you even when it may not be 'convenient' for you then is it really love? In my opinion he is not mature enough to be a relationship yet as if he is incapable of loving you and showing to you that he loves you then maybe he needs to take a step back and look at how he's handling things.
It's ok to be sensitive and emotional, its part of being human and being you. Everyone has emotions some just control is better than others and some just have a larger tolerance to life than others. It is in no way your fault.
What I would recommend is to talk to a professional counsellor whether that be online, over the phone or in person and talk to them about your anxiety and depression, if you're not seeing one already. Rant it out to them and ask them how you can deal with your anxiety and depression.
What I'm also getting out of this is that your self worth and sense of self and how much you value yourself is really low, what I've said to multiple people is that when you get into a relationship, go into it with then boosting your self esteem don't become dependant on them to support your self esteem.
You may want to start writing in a dairy everyday to rant as I feel like that helps me a lot.
I wish you all the best and please remember to love yourself. Take some time off if possible and pamper yourself, take a bath, read a book, go shopping, exercise, do something that makes you happy. Look after yourself and please update us on how you're coping with your situation.
I just wanted to say welcome to the BeyondBlue forum. I am glad you were able to express yourself here. You sound so lonely and sad, my heart hurts for you. I think you need a friend to talk to....we can listen, and maybe you could also find a nice counsellor who you could talk to? Do you want any tips on finding someone?
I hope you post again and let us know how you are going.
i agree with stormcloudz, understanding and resolving current situation in your present mind set is not likely to be beneficial to you and your partner. Your assessment of you, him and the relationship may not be accurate at the moment.
Psych should be able to stabilise and then work through underlying issues. Those are likely to hide from you so self help other than getting to GP and asking for a referral and mental health plan (get you 10 free visits) to a psychologist is probably your best bet on moving forward.
All the best
First of all you are not alone - have felt and been in your shoes.
First of all I recommend seeing a health professional someone you feel comfortable with and not threatened by, someone who you can vent all this too.
Secondly I recommend getting the app named Headspace it is really really good, it is a meditation app and has helped me loads. You don’t have to meditate everyday just when you feel you need it!
Thirdly purchase (or if you already have one)- an empty lined journal and begin writing your feelings down, if you have Pinterest look at Bullet Journals and get creative with different coloured tape and pens. Or start colouring in, it will get you away from your troubles.
Hope that these suggestions help you out, they’ve helped me.
Hey. You are not alone.
Sometimes I feel joy in knowing that there are others that understand my pain. Then I feel extremely sad as I feel your sadness. I feel sad because we feel this pain all around the world and yet I will still feel alone. The more I think about everything the sadder I get. Sometimes, just talking is enough. Get things off our chest. Sometimes a hug, even a virtual one. Someone that is there, even briefly, can help. We aren't alone, even when we are.
Hi Ms Weeza
Thank you ☺️
Thank you all for your lovely messages. Appreciate it a lot.
Im not gonna lie, I am extremely scared. I'm scared of losing this guy because I believe we do have a great future ONLY if we could fix things the right way. My heart still hurts because along the process, its hurting me so bad that Im not sure how long I am capable to bear this. What hurts me even more is that he shows me how he isnt scared of losing me at all than showing me he needs me in his life.
I am hurting right now. Right this moment.
If anyone is free, I would love someone to talk to me. Ive been feeling very alone and I want to let things out.
Thank you again for all your response, means a lot.
Call 1300 22 4636 to vent all you need at any time, 24 hours a day. That's the phone number for BeyondBlue. It's better to call, because it's faster (it could take a while before someone posts back) and safer (there's lots of identity theft on th web).
I don't know what time you posted but I'm here right now - post whatever you need. Please also call the number above, and I'll find some more contacts for you as well.