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I don't know if I'm writing this to get feedback from others, or just to get it off my chest. Im 28, 6 months ago I was dumped by the guy who I thought was my one. He had been my best friend for 4 years, partner for 2, friend for 8. I found myself living in a different state with no where to live and spent 6 weeks sleeping on couches of friends I had made at work. Convincing myself that it was a rough patch and he would change his mind. He didn't. He ended things because he felt like he couldn't give me what I need and because he thought I was so miserable living away from our friends and family. He has PTSD after serving overseas so he had really withdrawn from me and shut down emotionally rather than talking to me. i feel so embarrassed that I still feel as heart broken as the day it ended. I still feel like I have a massive hole in my heart and I miss him every day. Ive just moved home and found my own unit. Currently its minimally furnished until I can save for more (I left with what I could fit in my car). I spend a lot of time by myself because I can't afford to go out and do things. He sends me money often. Maybe because he cares and feels like it's the only way he can be there for me at the moment, or maybe I'm thinking into it to much. At work I'm the happy go lucky girl. But I think there's only one person who sees how much I'm struggling and on the weekend I think I successfully ruined my friendship with her. People keep pushing me to go on dates or "hook up" with someone, but I'm not interested in anyone else. I cry each night and I'm so lost. I thought he was going to propose and instead he dumped me 3 days after our anniversary. He says he doesn't want this to be forever, but now I feel too hurt to let anyone near me again. i feel so pathetic for still feeling this way, for still loving him and making excuses for him. I have so much guilt over things that happened in the start. I think that contributed to the break up. I can't forgive myself. I was seeing a psychologist before I left, but now I live alone I can't afford it. I don't know how to be the happy fun confident girl that I used to be and I'm petrified of being alone or without him. It breaks my heart that I lost my best friend and my boyfriend at the same time. I'm the only one of my friends who isn't married and/or has children and they're all younger than me.
I just don't know what to do or how to move forward or how to wake up and think that today might actually be a good day.
Good on you for posting and Welcome to the BB Forums!
You have a lot happening here, especially after your partner came back and was suffering from PTSD after serving in the defense forces. Can I ask if he sought any help for his PTSD?
The Beyond Blue Forums are a non judgemental zone so we wont be suggesting you go out and 'meet anyone new' as you are still grieving the loss of your soul mate...Your pain would be huge right now...leaving you in the dark place you are in. I understand as my girlfriend dumped me in early 2015 and it hurt all year.
There is nothing pathetic about you Sahm. Please forgive me for the questions but if you can let me know if he is getting any therapy for his PTSD? (as this would make any guy scared of committing) He appears to have your interests at heart by sending you money that you need......why is he doing this?
I cant read a reason why you should feel like you have contributed to the separation....(please elaborate if you wish) Also there are community based mental health workers that are free to see.....I have seen one and he was a legend. Refer your local council/shire....they will point you in the right direction 🙂
You have chosen the right place to post as there are many kind people here that are going through the similar pain you are right now.
The forums are also rock solid secure to ensure your privacy too. You are more than welcome to post as many times as you wish........even just for a chat
you are not alone here
my kindest thoughts for you
he did try, on 3 occasions actually. However the veterans services were less than helpful with the people the were referring him to. One girl even asked him if he had actually experienced a traumatic encounter, another was only a family counsellor and focused more on his childhood and upbringing then the things he wanted to talk about that he struggles with... so I guess he gave up after being vulnerable and being let down a few times. It's a really hard think for them to put their hand up and say they need help, particularly ones like him that were infantry trained and weren't meant to have feelings.... I feel like he's self medicating, but instead of drugs, alcohol etc he's turned to the gym, going 4-5 hours a day.
I don't know why he's doing that. I was lost in the city (may have had a few too many drinks) and text him in a down moment and he was texting me making sure I was ok and lecturing me about staying safe etc. I feel like he thinks he's doing the right thing by me but he's not letting me make my own decision.
Very early into our relationship (8 years after meeting so we had been friends for a long time) I fell pregnant. We decided to not to keep it, however I realised after this was a decision made because we were both so scared. He has also since admitted he didn't want me to go ahead with the termination but thought that's what I wanted and was being supportive of my wishes. So now I really have a lot of anger towards myself and he said he feels like I am punishing myself and he feels like it's all his fault and he wants me to be the happy girl I was. I guess me being scared and his difficulties with opening up and talking have got us here. We probably should have went to someone together to teach us how to communicate and manage his PTSD effectively. He messaged me tonight after 2 weeks of no contact saying that he's sorry and he knows I'm trying to be supportive but he just feels so bad all the time....... my brain tells me to stop talking to him and hopefully he'll start missing me and realise what we mean to each other, because the break up wasn't because of a lack of love, but my heart doesn't want that...
Sorry I hope you don't mind if I join in the conversation here. It's really hard to have a break up like that when it doesn't seem to make sense and you've been friends for so long.
I'm 24 and only been in 2 relationships. One was a 4 year relationship but we were friends for 7, and another was a 4 year relationship and friends for 5. Looking back, both ended because I just wasn't emotionally ready and we really tried to make it work, but I never realised I needed to see a psychologist about things. So I guess that's similar to your situation where you feel like things could've, should've even, worked if only you'd both recognised the need to get help. But as you probably know, the could'ves and should'ves just hurt more.
I don't speak to either of my exes anymore which makes me sad, but I think it is for the best, at least for now.
I think it's probably best you speak plainly and honestly with him and ask him what he plans to do and why he keeps sending you money. If there really is no plan in his mind to get back together in the near future, it sounds like you're really hurting yourself by continuing any kind of contact with him. It is far better to nip this in the bud now then to prolong it. The longer this pain goes on for, the greater the fall and the less ready you will be for it.
I'd also consider whether you really do want to get back into a relatinoship with this man. He might be self-medicating through the gym and that amount of gym time is really unhealthy. and irresponsible While I understand he's probably struggling, I think it's still worth asking whether you'd want to be in a relationship with someone who wasn't going about fixing their issues in a responsible way. Much as you love him, love won't solve his issues for him. And getting into a new relationship with him in the hope that he'll get better is really like buying a car with faulty brakes and hoping that they're not going to fail on you later. I know it sounds a bit harsh, but he ended the relationship so much as you want to help him, it is better for you both that he works on it own his own with the support of his friends.
It's really good that you're posting here. I think it shows that you're aware you need to focus on yourself and make sure you're okay as well.
Hi Sahm88. Forgive my intrusion here. It's possible the PTSD was 'there' prior to his o/seas deployment and that added to it. Just a guess there. When he talked to the veterans service re: the PTSD from his recent experience, it's equally possible they may have picked up on earlier trauma that his recent deployment wouldn't have helped. Anyone employed as police officers, prison officers, army personnel, etc often have traumatic experiences they find hard to talk about. Returned servicemen often experience PTSD as the trauma they witnessed during the war can be indescribable. The drug/alcohol intake could be to help him 'switch off'. If he can't feel the pain, it doesn't exist. He is fighting an inner battle trying to stay in control of something he doesn't understand. I get the feeling he wants you in his life, permanently, but till he can control his own inner demons, he can't 'be there' for you. Inability to communicate through lack of understanding is coming through loud and clear. Perhaps if you write him a letter letting him know you love him and always will. Tell him you are concerned about him as you realize he feels alone and vulnerable. Be a bit diplomatic so as you don't take away from him his need to prove himself to himself. Try not to be angry with him or you as this is counter-productive to a possible reconciliation. Perhaps consider a baby when you are back on the same page. Had you gone ahead with your previous pregnancy, this possibly might have added to his PTSD as he may not have been able to cope with the demands a baby can make. Babies require full-on care and attention and parents who can 'be there'. I'm sure when the time is right, you will start a family.
He doesn't take drugs or alcohol, he uses the gym as his way of switching off...
we had a massive arguement last week. In the end he said that he wants us to be apart so that we can both work on ourselves because we can't be happy together if we aren't happy with who we are... I get what he's trying to accomplish but I feel it's something you stick together through not remove each other from our lives and the ultimately grow apart.
We haven't spoken for a week now. He said he feels like I was never happy with him and I hated him.. I don't understand how he felt like this when I was always reassuring him and telling him how much I loved him. My friends ex has PTSD and she said that a lot of the time it's not that you're making them feel that way, it's how they feel about themselves.
I replied with a message that was calm and not too full of emotion that it would overwhelm him, but still told him how much I care. So far I haven't had a response.
His mum checks on me all the time and she told me she knows how much he loves me and that I should never think this is about not loving me and that I just need to cut contact with him and not be there for him so he remember how shit it was before we got together and how supportive I am to him. But I don't know if he would come to me if wanted to...
now I feel like we're at a stage where we're on completely separate roads and maybe I need to let go. But it hurts too much to even think about.
I have been reading your posts and the others. It sounds like you need time away from him so you can sort out your own thinking. A break up is devastating at the best of times. When something like this happens, I find it is important to have some time apart to clarify in your own mind what you feel, why you feel it, and what is the best way forward. It may be you might get back together down the track, but I would not for one moment assume that if I were you. During this time it is important to try and get yourself strong in your own self-belief again, and what you are looking for in life. It is no use beating yourself up with "if onlys". Try to learn from your mistakes and try to move forward.
I say all this from my own experiences where I have been dumped, I have left a partner, and had some seriously painful life experiences which took me a long time to recover from.
There are good people who care for you so I encourage you to keep posting as just doing that helps you sort out how you are thinking
There is some great advice/counsel above. I know you love him heaps. If I may quote something you said in your last post;
"he said that he wants us to be apart so that we can both work on ourselves because we can't be happy together"
I understand the pain of separation can be awful but any guy that says what he did is not very conducive to a long term relationship. It sounds like he has made up his mind which I know is unbearable but yet reality.
Please post back when convenient for you
Hi Sahm. My apologies for inferring your bf's drug/alcohol dependence. Perhaps by working out so strenuously he is taking his anger issues out in a way that is constructive rather than destructive. His parting words about needing to work on ourselves because we can't be happy together, indicates his inability to connect as a couple. I feel if you were to reconcile now, his issues with his job, plus the PTSD would cause problems as his need for structure using the gym to release his anger means freedom is paramount. He can't actually handle a long term relationship till he can be comfortable with himself, which at the moment, he isn't. I understand your pain, but hanging on to possibilities and maybe's is counter-productive. Letting go is best for you, you need to concentrate on you and what's best for you.