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So Lonely, Sexless Marriage
Then about 12 to 18 months ago, it is hard to say exactly when it started, he stopped asking at all, and earlier this year I tried to speak to him about it and it just turned into a big argument.
I feel totally alone in my marriage, he does not even attempt basic intimacy anymore, like a kiss good morning or good night, no holding hands, we hardly speak at all, there is no discussion on futures or anything past some of the most basic pleasantries. We both work, and so when I get home, he does not talk to me, doesn’t ask me how my day was, I need to always ask him how his day was and things like that.
When he talks to his mates, on the computer, he sounds happy enough but when I go to talk to him it is like I am annoying him or something, it is short sharp responses, to make matters worse even something simple like going for a walk as a family he now avoids.
I feel so lonely it keeps me up some nights and I can’t sleep. What should I do?
I think this situation cries out for some couples counseling. There is too many possibilities of the real reasons for his lack of togetherness that its best I dont assume.
There is a few ways in going about the process but as you know you have body image issues can I suggest you chat in the first instance to your GP and he/she might recommend an expert to address that first?. When you are ready you can advise your husband of this course of action.
If you make an appointment to couples counseling I suggest that there is a risk he wont go (particularly if he doesnt think it will be beneficial). In any case attend there yourself but upon him asking about any progress I'd refrain from letting him know, rather that he should attend with you in a future visit. This is because you are not a counselor and you might not convey progress well, he could think you and the counselor are on a path of criticism of him.
Relationship Australia is
I hope this helps.
Thank you for the reply.
You are right, I had to deal with the body image issues and have done so a few years ago, I saw a GP who sent me to a therapist and they helped me out.
You are also totally right about the couples counselling and how he would feel it is an attack on him, I mentioned we have had some arguments in the past, and when I suggested the couples counselling sometime ago, his words were basically “it is a way to make the women feel good about leaving the husband”. So I imagine that it isn’t going to go well.
What worries me though, is that if the couples counselling says “leave him” that’s not what I want, I want to get back to what it was like when we were first together. I feel like I have pushed him away so often that he now has just checked out completely and that I have lost him.
No counsellor will ever say "leave him". That's not how they are trained.
Your account of how he might react is, well a concern- “it is a way to make the women feel good about leaving the husband”.
There is a good percentage of success stories with counselling. They are the experts and those that aren't trained can claim all sorts of things to avoid an effort.. But therein lies another problem in that while your attitude is good, it takes two determined people to find success. In such situations it's sometimes the case that there is little chance of finding the love you once had. If the reality is same then you could end up knowing that from counselling but that is far different to the counsellor having that intent.
If he attended with you to counselling there is a chance deep feeling will be exposed. He could be holding resentment but also concealing his love for you. None of that will be exposed with his absence.
Thanks for the reply.
I am confident that he won't go to counselling, we have previously spoken about it and it has never been positive. I took your suggestion on board and have started to look for a couples counsellor to to go and see what happens, even without him coming along.
I think he holds alot of resentment towards me and I am not sure how to cut through that and revive our relationship, or if that is even possible.
You are stepping forward, that's good. Clarity, purpose, responsibility and effort. You have all that.
He may or may not. How much he values you and the relationship is a quest.
Hello Agreen and LostSoul, I'm pleased Tony has replied back to you.
Long term marriages as I was in for 25 years, intimacy changes as the marriage extends and it's certainly nothing like it was when you first meet as all the circumstances are completely different, you have children, work hard to buy a house and you begin to age.
One problem that hasn't been mentioned is that we try and improve our image because there is someone else we're interested in talking with, and that's where our mind is focused, so we lose interest in our spouse and try to improve how we look to impress this other person.
The trouble is we don't know about this until it's too late.