So called friend betrayed a trust

[Amanda 1956]

Need some advice....a "friend" has betrayed my trust by trying to break my partner and me up.She has bad mouthed me to him saying I was using him for sex and that I was killing him. She ruined a holiday by wanting all his attention and pushing me into the background. She desperately wants me to leave him so she can have him.

My partner said I am imaging things and that she only wants to be friends. But her constant ringing him late at night for over 3hours at a time ,her lies about me  which I'm glad to say he doesn't believe speak volumes 

Any advice please thanks

[Guest_1055]

Hello Amanda, I am sorry you are going through all this uncertainty. I long to give you advice, but I just don't know what you should do, or anything. But I do care about you. Hope it all works out. Maybe someone else can advise you...

With love

Shelley xx

[White_Rose]

Dear Amanda

Welcome to Beyond Blue. Thank you for your post. What a horrid position to be in. It seems to me that your partner quite enjoys the attention he is receiving from your 'friend' otherwise he would put a stop to it. Late night phone calls than last for hours are not appropriate and he must realise that. No matter what he thinks about the friend surely he can see that you are upset. If he cares about you it would be better if he stopped the calls by telling her he cannot speak to her. And to continue to say this whenever she phones. He should also tell her he is not interested in her stories about you and not to continue.

Until he takes a firm line with her she will continue to impinge on your lives and eventually cause all sorts of problems. If she really just wants a friendship, she must learn how to conduct a friendship properly.

You need to make this clear to him. He probably has not considered the implications of his behaviour, which encourages the friend, or the implications of her behaviour. I would like to be sexist and say it's because he is male, but sadly I suspect the same scenario applies in reverse in some relationships.

Do not be scared it may break up your relationship. If it does, it wasn't worth much, though I am certain you do not see it like that.

Mary

[Amanda 1956]

Thank you for your advice and will take it on board. Yes he had spoken to her and asked her to stop ringing as it upsets me but now I have been labelled a control freak and a battle axe and domineering by her simply because her game is over. But yes for a while I did suspect that their friendship has gone further. The anxiety from that saw me in hospital with a breakdown and even my doc felt something was up.

Today I blurted out that our relationship had become dull and boring .I think it was a shock to him and he backed away bowing his head and has vowed to repair or help repair our partnership. He has stood by me through my battle with this illness. But one of the things I pointed out was this woman and her intention. He denies that she and he were an item but what went on suggested otherwise . 

He is wanting me to break the ice and make up with her . No way that is going to happen as she betrayed my trust. She gave my partner some old clothes to give me. I'm dumping them. I'm not wearing her hand me downs . I think she is trying to worm her way back but fat chance of that happening.

Do you blame me for standing up to her?

[White_Rose]

Hello Amanda

I would simply send her clothes back to her, no message. If she asks tell her she is capable of throwing away her clothes and does not need you to do this.

I suggest your husband now blocks her calls to him and you do the same. If she cannot get through she may get the message. No, don't 'make up'. It will give her permission to continue her manipulation. Similarly with any email contact there may be.Your husband must TELL her not to contact him, not merely ask her nicely. He should not say it's because it upsets you, because this makes you appear a control freak, and it also sends a message that he would like to continue the relationship. He must tell her not to contact him because HE does not want further contact.

It will be hard for him I expect but he should have thought about this when he was happily encouraging her. If he is going to support you it's no good doing a half-hearted job. Having his cake and eating it is not an option.

You and your husband must also decide if you need to take out a restraining order against her. I hope you have been keeping a record of her comments and phone calls. I would suggest you talk to a solicitor and ask for a letter to be written to her telling her not to make any contact. Then decide about the restraining order if she does not comply with this.

The most important point in all this is your husband's willingness to refuse all contact, of any sort, with this woman. No requests to you to be friends with her as clearly this will not work. Mostly he needs to decide if he is your husband, with all that it entails, or wants to play the field.

Mary

[Sophie_M]

HI Amanda 1956

It looks like there are two threads that are really similar on our forums so to ensure everything about this conversation is kept together please move any ongoing conversation to the other thread.

Thank you