Sisterly love in tatters

[Karlsbad]

My sister was always my best friend but, always judged me and my anxiety. I felt like she always thought I was making it up!

Its coming up to nearly a year since we have had a major falling out over a very minor issue but, her husband sent me horrible texts about my mental health and previous domestic violence relationship.

I suffer from panic disorder and while I used to be a very social person I know enjoy a good book and naps. My family are all very heavy drinkers and I choose not too as I don’t like to feel like I’m not in control. So this makes me the odd one out!

My sister contacted me a few weeks ago and while I’m willing to try mend things slowly. She is expecting me to go back to how we used to be. She will not talk to me about what was said and told me I’m either over it or not!

Well I feel depressed, alone, misunderstood and not good enough!

All i I want is for my sister to love me for who I am and not to judge me. The last few months without contact, I’ve felt free and happy in my own bubble with my children and husband.

I feel depressed, stressed and anxious about the whole situation!

[geoff]

Good Morning Karlsbad, and thank you for joining the site.

You and your sister were great friends as you grew up but she still questioned you and now telling you 'you're over it or not' from a previous conversation, this doesn't give you much room to move with and if you aren't allowed to talk about what happened then the situation isn't going to improve.

At the moment you haven't felt this pressure on you and enjoying yourself with your own family because you've been in control of your life and not be judged, because what this will do is cause you to feel depressed and anxious, which will then flow on to your family, that's not what you want, you just want a sister who appreciates your company, laughing and doing what you both want to do on an equal basis.

The one thing you must always remember is to look after yourself.

Geoff.

[Quercus]

Hi Karlsbad and welcome,

I could have written some of your post too. Although at this time I'm not as kind as you to be willing to try again with my sister.

Geoff is as usual spot on.... Being free to be yourself without judgement is so liberating and important.

The questions I keep asking myself when I miss the "what was" with my family are these...

1. How do I feel after spending time with them?

2. Is there pressure or expectation for me to be someone I'm not?

3. Am I willing to ignore the hurt and accept blame for everything that has passed and let it go?

4. Is this interaction helpful to me and supportive of my wellbeing?

Whenever I ask myself these things I realise all over again that I have put boundaries in place for a very real and valid reason.

Does it hurt? Constantly.

But I decided that my priority is to be alive and as well as I can be for my kids and my husband. If that means walking away at times and being seen as heartless and wrong then so be it.

I hope you can find a way to form a new healthier relationship with your sister. But if you choose not to I suppose what I'm trying to say is that is ok and a valid decision too.

Please take care of yourself first.

Nat