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Single, never been in a relationship, feeling like there is no escape from my hell

Community Member

I am 31 and never had a girlfriend.
I am unemployed, live at home with my parents (have never moved out) have very little friends, I'd say one friend and few acquaintances.

I just don't see anything in me that a woman would find attractive, who would want to go out with someone like me, a loser?
I don't understand how to get a girlfriend, what to say, what not to say, what to do, what not to do when I talk to women.
My friend thinks I come across too needy, desperate which scares women away. I also feel that women are scared of me or something like they run away or avoid me.

I have read online sites on dating, seems so mind boggling when it comes to dating, a lot of rules. I hate mind games and playing a game. I am not good at that. I don't know how one actually makes a date a partner, what is said to her to make her a girlfriend.
I don't understand it at all.

I feel so low on confidence that I don't think I will ever find love, it's an everlasting hell of pain and suffering and loneliness and shame that I am in.
I see guys I know break-up with a partner then find a new girlfriend so quickly and effortlessly, it makes me feel worse about myself.

And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay as I have never had a girlfriend, her and my dad are ashamed of me as I haven't given them a grandchild yet.

119 Replies 119

Community Member
MisterM said:


And worse my mum keeps thinking I am gay 

And worse, huh? That's the worst thing about your situation? Wow. I can think of far worse things to have people think you are, but then I'm gay so what would I know. 

Community Member

Hi MisterM.  Online dating can be scary when you've never been on a 'date'.  The thing to remember when talking to a girl, take an interest in what she's saying, but don't let her dominate the conversation, either.  Girls basically like to know a little bit about the guy they're with too.  Don't be scared to tell her you're still at home, a lot of guys live at home, that's nothing to be ashamed of.  If you find after 10 minutes, that you're both 'struggling' to make conversation, ask her what she'd like to do.  Maybe a cup of coffee, milkshake, cup of tea.  I wouldn't suggest 'drinks', alcohol can have a detrimental affect if you don't normally drink/ she doesn't drink.  Maybe a movie, dinner.   When you go on an 'online' dating service, you're usually asked simple questions.  Give the average age of the girl you'd like to go out with.  Find out what sort of work she does (if she does work).   If you want to continue seeing her, ask her out again.  If she says 'no' don't be put off, be grateful she was honest.  It doesn't reflect on you, rather on her, what her tastes are.  Don't try so hard to 'please' the girl, relax, be pleasant.  By the 2nd/3rd 'date', you can just about assume you have a 'girlfriend'.  I think your mum sounds a bit cruel.   If you are 'Gay' that's your choice.  You sound a very pleasant, caring person, albeit a little unsure of yourself.   Girls aren't Alien, they're people, guys often come across wrong because they try too hard to 'make an impression'.  Girls are 'wired' differently to guys, we are often ruled by our emotions a bit more than guys.  Guys usually pick themselves up, dust themselves off and 'start all over again'.  We're not quite that cut and dried.  We tend to find it harder to 'let go' of past hurts. 

Hope the above helps somewhat. 

Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

Hi MisterM

It's a tough thing knowing what to say to someone you like or someone you potentially want to attract and see more of. What if they reject you or what happens if they laugh or if you freeze up? It's all pretty scary.

Through all of this, what's the worst thing that can happen? (besides your mum thinking you are a fabulous gay guy) What really is the worst thing that can happen if you start chatting to someone?

I guess one thing to try, apart from diffusing the fear and anxiety is to just be yourself.

Who would want to talk to you? Someone who finds you interesting to talk to.

Who would want to spend time with you? Someone who likes your company.

What have you got to offer? Yourself and your company.

Who would find you attractive? Someone who finds you attractive!

The interesting thing about attraction is it mostly comes from us and is projected out. What I mean by that is, if we know we are attractive (in a humble way) then a lot more people reflect off of that and respond. The same is true of most things to do with interacting with people. If we are scared and "know we can't do it" then we usually can't because we set ourselves up to fail in the first place.

What is it about yourself that you don't like?

What is it REALLY all about that you can't talk to women and think you are unattractive and worthless anyway? Can you dig a little deeper, thinking about the above example of how you reflect, and come up with some thoughts on what makes you unattractive and what makes you think women are scared of you?

Lastly - isn't a girlfriend someone who is a girl who is a friend? No magic voodoo, no science behind it, nothing involving setting a trap or playing a game. It's based on how we see ourselves which radiates out and helps us to just be ourselves and when we mix with people and engage them, they see us for who we are and some fall in love with that.

I think there's something that's such a barrier for you that you don't like about yourself that is key to what's happening. Are you happy to dig and share the answers to the questions above?


Blue Voices Member
Blue Voices Member

I love your replies pipsy, you rock!



Community Member

Hi Paul.  Yes, in spite of what I've been through, I know there are genuine guys out there who do care.  Maybe one day, with luck, my turn will come. 


Community Member

Oh gosh.  That is pretty sad.  You need to move out even if into a shared residence before you get old.  Then you can put an advert in and wait or answer ads.   

But on the other hand it might happen without the internet. Maybe just board a train and sit next to someone who looks nice and say something. Because that can work.   I mean it happened to me on a train platform and then it was a date that same afternoon .  But it could also be on a bus. You need to get out there and explore the neighbourhood.  Do you have a dog ?  I just thought of  that because women love dogs : )

 You need to feel better about yourself because it's all about projection like mentioned earlier. Take dexter for example, ok he's a fictional clean-up guy BUT he oozes confidence and takes great pride in who he is. And you should too


Community Member

Hi justinok,

Judging by your response I see that I have offended you.
I deeply apologise for this as it was not my intent.
I have nothing against gay people at all.
What I meant by 'and worse' is because being gay is a big sin and shame to my mum (and dad too) due to her cultural and religious ways, an old school 1950's European mentality. I don't want to be seen as this disgusting, sinful person in my mums eyes. It makes me feel embarrassed to be around them as I know my mum is  thinking I am gay. I have told her I am not and she's said I am a few times.

I apologise once again for the offense taken and I will be careful how I word my posts in future.

Community Member

Hi lats,

Thanks for replying.
I think I am so awkward I put off this vibe that makes girls feel scared.
Maybe it's my face.
I reconnected with a girl I went to  primary school with on Facebook recently, I saw her at the local shopping plaza on the weekend strangely enough after not seeing her since primary school, she looked at me from a distance as I approached then turned around quickly. I drove home thinking bad things about myself.
Seeing I have never had a girlfriend and am 31, I guess noone wants to spend time with me, talk to me, etc as you pointed out. I can't understand why I fail so bad. I don't think I am unattractive.
My hair has a few greys coming, it's getting me more sad because I will be an older looking man before I know it. Girls are more attracted to youthful looking guys right?
I can't point an exact reason for my lack of self esteem, well one I am bad at small talk.
I think I might have girls attracted to me in high school and tafe/uni but I was so awkward and scared I ran away from the situation.

Community Member
Thanks for your reply and advice pipsy.
I am not keen on online dating, I prefer non-technological ways, the old fashioned, meet by chance way.
I think online takes the magic out of finding love. I prefer to let fate intervene.