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Since having my baby 3 years ago my incredible relationship is now so sad and I feel so alone
Your short post is so full of sadness. Bringing a new baby into a family is a wonderful event but it can bring in new family dynamics that can be challenging.
Is there any specific issue that is causing you and your husband to "fight all the time"?
I 100% know how you feel and i am going through exactly the same thing.
Its really getting me down at the moment
Hello Bree, and a warm welcome to the forums.
Having an amazing relationship for 13 years before your son was born, is what our aim and wish is for, because you are able to achieve so much, either being just together or with your friends in being able to do all the activities a couple can do, but as soon as you start a family all of this stops.
You aren't able to do what you could once do before, as a baby sitter has to be found, the cost to pay for them to look after your son, and it may be seen as inconvenient, perhaps this is why the love in your partnership has fallen away.
I hope you are comfortable coming back to us.
Oh Bree, I feel like I could have written this myself, right down to the age of our children. I have a 3 year old daughter and feel exactly the same way. Since her arrival, things have been so strained and we argue all the time. About everything. We haven’t slept in the same bed in months (he says it’s because I snore, but he doesn’t even try anymore). When our daughter goes to bed, we essentially go our separate ways for the night. We barely talk, and when we do, it ends up in an argument.
I want to leave, Because I’m sick of feeling this way, but then I dont want to leave because I can’t bear the thought of having to share my daughter and her being away from me for days/nights at a time. She relies on me a lot. and I don’t know how I would do it financially.
He is cranky all the time, and expects perfection when it comes to our house, which is incredibly hard with a 3 year old. I want her to have fun and be a kid, but he is so concerned with her turning out right, that I feel he is too hard on her (not physically, EVER). He always says, “ my dad was hard on me” or “ I was scared of my dad” but he does not have best relationship with his parents.
I want to do what’s best and want to save our marriage, but can’t continue living this way it’s making me far too unhappy.
I feel for you so very much as you face this challenge in finding the way forward.
Firstly, I want to acknowledge how 'crazy' and 'psycho' are wounds that can be hard to heal. I still have the words 'crazy' and 'nutcase' in my head from from more than a decade ago, when I first came out of my depression of 15 years or so. I admit I had some seriously questionable behaviour during this brief transitional period, yet my husband was more about observing and judging my behaviour than questioning it to the point of stepping in and making the difference I really needed at the time. It became an incredibly stressful time for me. Not sure if you can relate but the question I have come to ask myself is 'Why didn't he actively find ways to raise me out of this state I was in? Why did he simply 'let it play out'?' Bree, having made it through the 2.5 years, you're amazing. You're a strong amazing woman. Never doubt this.You were dealing with deeply challenging chemistry, the challenges of being a new mum and all the self doubt that can come with such a role and possibly, on top of it all, some sleep deprivation at some stage. You gotta admit, you're pretty tough 🙂
Personally, I believe we come to question our self, our partner, our relationships and a whole lot of other factors for good reason. Figuring out the answers is the hard part. Actually, figuring out the right questions to be asking can also be tough at times. Some things you mention:
- Since he arrived we fight all the time. I'm wondering what you're fighting for on these occasions. Is it to be heard or supported? Are you fighting for constructive change? Are you being reasonable (giving valid reasons for why you're upset)? Will your partner not listen to reason?
- Haven't had sex and I have no interest and we’ve lost our affection. Is there a reason you're not attracted to him? Is his behaviour unattractive, in your mind? Do you wish to be cared for and excited in life in thoughtful ways? Romance is the language of the soul.
- I was always so giving of my time to my partner and now I can’t be bothered giving any. Is it a matter of 'If you can't be bothered resolving issues that mean something to me, don't bother me'?
- I don’t know if I have the energy to fight - why should it just be me? Sounds like you've been fighting to evolve the relationship whereas perhaps he just feels like you're fighting. Have you been fighting for a more mature thoughtful relationship?
I know, a lot of questions 🙂