sick of crying

Dumped_confused · ‎07-07-2015

Hello everyone,

My partner recently left me after 2 years of traumatic events in our lives. I am in total disbelief and dispair. We have been through so much including nearly dying giving birth to our 2 year old. We had 3 deaths in our life, of young close friends, and the suicide of one of our friends feels like the straw that broke my partners back. He left me soon after without any specific explanation and in a total panic. I keep on reassuring myself that it wasn't anything I did, but after 4 months of supporting him and telling him that I'll love him and wait for him he flaws me by telling me he no longer loves me and does not want to get back together again.. I feel like we've broken up all over again. He looks healthy and happy, which really upsets me because it means that he is happier without me! We have 3 children between us which is so hard for me to lose. My 2 step kids love me and I do them but I don't want to see them because it hurts that they're not my family anymore.... Yet, I take them out every couple of weeks, it feels like I'm self harming. I have to reset everytime I see any of them, and that's at least 3 times a week with handovers. It's killing me to pieces!!!! I'm seeing a psychologist, a Chinese therapist, a psychic, getting massages and I even bought a house last week! Yet nothing seems to be bringing me back to me. I ultimately know that time heals, but I'm in the moment and it's breaking me. Please share your thoughts, everything will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

white knight · ‎07-07-2015

Hi Dumped, welcome.

I assume you have just made the decision to buy the home and you have to wait for the settlement ie you haven't move din yet. Once you move in they'll be lots to do in any spare time. And that's the key in your situation- keeping busy.

I was in a similar situation with 2 young girls and it tore me apart. So I worked longer shifts (security guard), bought a block of land that I had to clear and built a house with my own hands. I was so busy I didn't have time to think about my grief.

Years later I had a 10 year defacto relationship and had a step daughter and step son. I had a lot of input into the 14yo step son and miss him today. It's been 8 years since I last saw him. But life goes on.

Last week I had contact through Facebook of a cousin my age (59) I've never met. My parents disowned my fathers sisters in the 1950's. So I have a new cousin in my life.

And this is the fact, that relationships are fluid, they come and go. As long as you love people and continue to do so they will return in your life unless they are manipulated which there is little you can do.

Finaly. I found that love is often only replaced by love. Move on and find that partner that will love you forever.

It will be worth the wait.

Take care and post here anytime.

Tony WK

Dumped_confused · ‎07-07-2015

Thanking you Tony, lovely to hear from someone who is able to give me a different perspective and some sort of hope for the future. How amazing to contact a family member you knew nothing about, such an uplifting story. I love that you wrote that relationships are "fluid". Too true, I move well in within my current relationships, it's just hard when it's not been my choice to move.

I know deep inside that my daughter is the only thing I need to focus on, but I cannot shake this feeling of rejection and helplessness. I have had NO say and NO control in the outcome of my family breakdown, this kills me daily. What could I have done, what did I not do or do wrong, will anyone ever love a single mum who can't love herself?!!? I'm screaming on the inside and when my daughter is with her dad I scream on the outside!! I can't wait to move in to our new home. You're absolutely right in saying that it will be a welcome distraction.. I'm already excited about gumtree and buying new things to start afresh. Thanks again for your response, I hope to get more support from this forum, it's so nice to feel like I'm not alone.

Doolhof · ‎07-07-2015

Hi There.

I am going to refer to you as DC if that is okay with you. The pain of being dumped and left alone is enough for you I feel without using those terms as a title for yourself.

That is just the way I think about it.

I live in a marriage where my husband doesn't love me and calls me his friend. To me that breaks my heart. I feel like I am in a very lonely place and some days feel quite shattered.

In some ways I wish I had the guts to leave, but I don't because I know my husband would find it very difficult to cope and I do not want to hurt him.

So I am so very sorry you have found yourself in this position. It must be very hard for you to see your ex looking healthy and happy.

As White Knight mentioned, once you are in your new home, you will be very busy, and hopefully making it a place for yourself will help.

I can only imagine the pain you are feeing seeing the children. I hope you are able to enjoy their company and the pain of not having them with you always will diminish in time.

I don't really like the expression that "Time will heal" but it odes. Right now your thoughts, feeling, emotions and senses are raw due to what has happened.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of things to try to help yourself. That is all very positive!

I just had a thought. Could you ask the children to help you create some kind of art work on a canvas using paints and that could be a treasure for your new house!

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I wish you well.

Cheers for now from Lauren

Dumped_confused · ‎07-07-2015

Oh Lauren what a wonderful suggestion!!! I think the kids would absolutely LOVE to make a painting for my new home. As far as they're concerned their dad and I are getting back together, they can't wait until I have a garage sale to sell all the extra furniture I've bought in the interim. I've asked their dad to tell them that we're done and I'm waiting on the response... Nervous..

Im taking them to a tree top adventure in Belgrave this week and am going to have a talk with them and try and establish our new relationship.... I'm nervous about it as I imagine I'll cry. Scary chat to be having when I'm so vulnerable.

Thanks again for your message, it's so lovely to hear from people who care.

Doolhof · ‎08-07-2015

Hi DC,

It is great you have kept in contact with us. As you like the suggestion of the painting, maybe you will end up with more than one! Ha. Ha.

My husband and I were unable to have children, but I have loved so many children in my life and it is really sad when they grow up and move away and you no longer have contact with them.

So I know only a little of the separation feelings people have.

I suppose you will need to keep telling the children how much you love and care for them. Even though you are not a family living together, they are still very special to you and you love being with them.

You have mentioned looking for items on gumtree for your new home. I am not sure where you live of course, but look out for garage sales, Church Fetes, school events and car boot sales. It is amazing what you can find!

Just had a thought pop into my mind while writing this. I am not sure if you are creative or not, but maybe you could make the children a card or buy them a special one and write them a loving message in it for them to keep.

I'm looking forward to reading your adventures with the tree top walk and also the painting episode.

Cheers for now from Lauren

TIsha · ‎08-07-2015

I think you are on the right track ... focus on what is important, your children and in doing so explore the new relationships you will be developing with them through your new life... developing your house with time and care will help you to rediscover yourself and bring you back to you. spend time with close family or friends that make you feel good, when your with them... think about these times and think through what it is about you that makes these times with these people so good for you and your soul ... best wishes