Should I stay or should I go?

[grublet_]

Hi

About 5 months ago I found out my husband was having an affair with a co-worker. This shocked me to the core and I had no idea. He was my safe space and I honestly never would have thought he would do this to me and our family (naive really).

When I found out he ended the affair immediately and has begged me not to leave. He has done everything right (according to everything I have read) to make amends for what he has done. I believe him when he says he is sorry and he does show remorse. He has been nothing but honest with me since the affair was discovered, we have both seeked therapy and we have been working on our marriage ever since.

As dumb as this may sound I do want to save my marriage. I love this man with all my being and I do believe he loves me (well mostly - like why have an affair if you truly love me?). My main issue is how much the pain still hurts. While I may not think about the affair as much as I did at the start, when I do the pain is just as bad as it was the day I found out. And sometimes I feel like our marriage is a big sham. When the memories and pain come back all I can think is divorce - it is a vicious mental cycle I can't seem to get out of.

I feel so alone in this whole situation as I don't want to discuss this with my family and most friends. I feel ashamed and do not need their judgement. 

Any advice or thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[indigo22]

Hi grublet_,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out to us.

I am so sorry you are feeling so conflicted at the moment, it is understandable given the circumstances.

I don't think for a moment you were naive, I think we all go into a long term relationship believing the best in the other person, we trust that all is well unless there are obvious signs to the contrary.

I say this not to minimise what you are going through but there are a number of reasons why someone might have an affair. Has he given you that reason? I don't think that because he had an affair that you can assume he doesn't love you enough. I do think it is important to know why it happened and why he only ended it after you found out about it. Would he have ended it if you had never found out about it? 

It will take a lot of work on his part to gain your trust back, and rightly so. You say that you love him and you want to save your marriage (and no, that doesn't sound dumb at all), so what would it take for that to happen. What would need to happen for you to feel secure again? I think those are the questions you need to ask yourself and depending on those answers, would he be willing to do what it will take?

No one can tell you which way you should go. I understand how painful this must be for you, but only you know what you are able to cope with emotionally.

We can be here to support you without judgement, so if you feel comfortable, feel free to continue this conversation.

I hope this has been of some help.

Take care,

indigo

[Fiatlux]

Hi grublet,

Welcome to the forums.

 I have been through this rodeo far too many times so I won’t be telling you whether you should stay or go.

If I told you that it may take a few more years, yes years to say that you have recovered from this trauma of betrayal, what would you say?

Look up Marnie Breeker, she’s an expert in betrayal trauma therapy and you will find several podcasts, books and YouTube videos that will help you. It’s important that your husband also participates in this process. 

You will have setbacks along the way but you can work through this. Not all marriages can be successfully reconciled following an affair and that’s ok too.

Firstly, make sure that the affair has ended and that he isn’t having contact with the other person again behind your back. Affairs often go underground before they really end.

I bought my husband a book titled, Out of the Doghouse following his confirmation of cheating a third time…

Good Luck. Fiatlux 🙏🏼

[grublet_]

Thanks so much for your response 🙂 It feels good to be able to get thoughts of my chest without judgement. Affairs are interesting things in that they bring out exceptionally strong emotions and opinions from people you may least expect.

My husband has been brutally honest since I found out about the affair. So to answer two of the questions above 1. The reason he chose to have the affair was because it was exciting. He was offered sex so easily and so he took it. He was bored in our marriage (we were on the rocks anyway) and just did not think of the consequences. I was also bored in our marriage but I found a hobby and hang out with friends instead. 2. He said it would have continued if I did not find out. However, he was not very discrete and that is why I found out so quickly (it was less than a month long). I know for sure this was ended immediately and I believe he regretted it immediately. It was like he was drunk on excitement and really did not think about any consequences.

We have worked on our marriage ever since and other than these 'flashes' of anger and sadness we are doing really well and have reconnected in a really good way. I just sometimes think 'why should I forgive such a hurtful thing when he didn't think about me once and the hurt this would cause whilst having the affair'. Why does he deserve the forgiveness when I continue to be the only one hurting? And that makes me very angry. When I bring it up he again tells me how sorry he is that he put me in the position but is just doesn't seem enough.

I think I just need to give it a bit more time (I am an impatient person and like to resolve issues immediately) and know that I am still going to have these roller coasters of emotions for a while yet - if not forever. And yes I know I am the only one that really knows if he/us are worth all the pain and uncertainty!

[HappySheep]

Hi grublet, as the others have said, only you can decide whether your marriage is savable.

There are plenty of people who can give you story after story of 'once a cheater, always a cheater' - and some people are like that. 

On the other hand, sometimes the best people in the world can stuff up in monumental fashion.

You need to weigh up the damage done by his action versus the amount of time and work it will take to repair that damage. It sounds like you are both doing everything possible to repair the relationship but it will take years before trust that badly broken can be repaired.  Are you willing to put yourself through that?

My partner of over a decade left me in the most horrible way while I was recovering from life-changing injuries after an accident. It was literally like the old stories one hears of someone going out for a packet of cigarettes and never coming back.  She just didn't come back from work. I phoned the police and reported her missing and a few days later they told me she was safe and didn't want to talk. We hadn't been fighting or anything but we had both been through a traumatic year with my accident.  Long story/short - after 18 months of a couple of horrible actions and then no contact, we reconnected and rejoined.  We've been together another ten years and our relationship has never been stronger - after some serious honest conversations on both sides about how messed up she'd been dealing with my injuries without outside support, and about how her actions had impacted me.  As good as the last decade has been, it has been less than a year since I last went into a mad panic if she wasn't home when I expected her to be. 

Broken things can be repaired - but not always, and not easily.  There is no wrong decision for you to make here - and you can change your mind once you've made your decision.  Is your marriage worth trying to save, knowing how much damage has been done?

[indigo22]

Hi again,

Thank you for filling in the blanks, it's helpful to see a full picture of what took place.

I agree that it is a difficult thing to find forgiveness for someone who has hurt you and broken your trust. I admit I am still battling with forgiveness, although the circumstances are very different to yours, I do understand how anger can get the upper hand.

It sounds like you are both doing your best to put your marriage back together and having some success with doing so. Do you feel some additional counselling might be helpful for you to try and untangle some of the emotions?

One thing I think you will both definitely need to be mindful of going forward is to not let things go stale again. Perhaps you can take it in turns coming up with ideas to surprise your partner with something you don't normally do or haven't done before. I am not talking about sexually (although that could also be on the cards), but talking about something that would be exciting for both of you. I am just pulling this one out of the hat, but something like a ride in a hot air balloon. I am sure you are both aware of each others likes, dislikes, phobias etc. so maybe give that some thought to keep things fresh.

Whenever you need to talk about things, we will be here to support you.

Be patient with yourself,

indigo