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Should I stay or should I go?

Community Member
My partner decided in September 2017 that he would start an affair with another girl. After moving interstate I thought this was all over - but have just found out he is still in very regular contact with her (only over the phone but multiple times a day). We have a 6 year old child together and he tells me he wants more kids - but chats to some other girl daily which rips me apart. It’s been a very long road since I found out he cheated on me - and I thought we were strong enough to get through.....to find out now he is still in contact with her makes me sick - and makes me want to run right now. Hardest part is that we live with and care for his mother, we have given up our family home to do this and now I have no where to go and no money to get out. I am the only one working and work bloody hard and feel like I’m getting no where. I pay our bills, pay back his debts, pay for all things needed for our child and even end up funding his drinking, smoking and gambling habits (Cos if I don’t I’m scared what will happen). He has never been physically violent but I feel he has me on the edge and have no option but to meet his requests for cash for his habits. I get no time to do anything nice for myself (don’t have cash for it any way) and feel so unloved from him. He tells me he loves me (most of the time I say it first and he says it back) but he very rarely kisses, cuddles or shows affection (certainly no sex happening). Most nights he passes out and doesn’t even say goodnight to me or our child. I love him so much and do not want to end our relationship but he will not agree to any kind of help, and I just don’t feel it’s fair that I feel so crap and unloved - I wanna be happy - but wanna be happy with him......and don’t want to raise our child in a broken home. So confused 😞
7 Replies 7

Community Member


I’m so sorry to hear about this, it really sounds like a tricky situation.

Personally, I think that leaving would be a better idea, as it sounds like he doesn’t support you (as a person or financially) and it’s especially heartbreaking to hear that you have a child, that saying, it comes with it’s own cons to leave, all that “fun” stuff, I understand the worry with your child growing up in a broken home, and sometimes it really depends on the child to how much they care (or how it affects them, per say), I have many friends who have grown up like that, some care, some don’t, it really depends on the people (parents, and how much they see them) in the situation. Financially, it would be hard, especially as you pay for most of his costs and it sounds like you work hard enough already, to that, I’m not exactly sure how to work around that, but remember it’s ok to say no to him, it’s your money, if you’re the one working for it, if anything happens, let someone know, he can’t treat you like that. In general, he doesn’t sound like a great person, let alone a father, I understand how heartbreaking that must be to have him talking to another lady, but if you feel there’s a problem, you need to put your foot down. Tell him it’s not ok, because to me, it doesn’t sound like it.

Thats all I’ve got for now (and sorry that it’s not much) if you ever need advice, or help with something let me know.

- Sam

Community Member

Hi Mummabear22,

Your situation sounds terrible and I wouldn't be thinking about your daughter as coming from a broken home. The man you are with is abusing you, financially and mentally. You and your daughter need stability and I agree with Saroseme, it's your money. I think you need to consider your options carefully. Write down the pros and cons of why you are staying. If the bad outweighs the good,do something about it. I know it's difficult. Best of luck.

Hi Mummabear22,

I replied earlier and I need to let you know I was in the same boat. For 10 years my husband was an emotional abuser. He would put me down, publicly humiliate me and I also, was the breadwinner. He only worked part time. He was insecure and constantly accused me of cheating which I never did, until last month when the abuse got worse after I was fed up and started calling him out on his behaviour. The affair is over but I'm still devastated that I was duped by a player. My husband left last week but still texts me and says he is living in his car, playing to my compassionate nature. I believe him because in his pursuit to isolate me (us) he never developed lasting friendships, so has no one, no family to call upon.

My issue now is the fear of being alone and I feel he is going to come back and I will let him, because I'm scared and lonely. My family are helping but they don't understand how my lack of self esteem is going to let him back into my life. Any direction would help immensely.

So far, I agree with all the things you’ve said, as it’s really a pros and cons things, and it depends on what you’re willing to put up with.

Although, I would like to say something about your situation, take it or not, I don’t mind, I just want to let you know this - It’s not your fault in this, if you’ve never cheated, which sounding from what you’ve said, I believe you would never do that, and he sounds like a horrible person, emotional abuse is a tricky thing, and people like that tend to be manipulative, which doesn’t always work out in the long run. Please, if he ever comes crawling back, and I know this is hard, don’t let him, because it makes things harder for you, you can be of support in helping with jobs, or just something stable, but don’t start letting him think that he can rely on someone for things, when you rely on someone, for money or not, it’s not good, because they can just say no, and sometimes it’s hard to say no to someone like that, but believe me, it’s his own fault. Fear of being alone is hard, and being alone does hurt, but for that, maybe go join in some local activities? Something to meet new people.

Anyways that’s all I’ve got to say, wishing luck to both of you,


Thanks Sam, it's good to know people out there understand. I just have to take things day by day, otherwise, I'm going to sink like a stone.

Yeah, I get that, well, if you ever need someone to chat to, just let me know, I start high school (year 7) soon, so I may be a bit tied up getting the hang of things, but I’ll try to respond as soon as possible.

- Sam

Hi, welcome

I have to agree with all the responders.

The nature of this man, his deceit and selfishness will not disappear.

Your guilt, as pointed out js your enemy. Remember, you dont need to prove anything to him.

Your child will still be loved.

Finally, a counselor told me once in reference to parents separating. .."children are resilient"

Take care, in a few short months apart your life will be great. Find low cost accomodation firstly then plan your future.

Take care