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Should I put myself first or my boyfriend?

Community Member

Where do I start? We have been together 2 years a I do love him, but the 2nd year has been difficult.

It started when my nan got sick, she meant a lot to me and it was very sudden. She was in hospital for months, in very serious conditions. It took a toll on me and I felt a total disconnect from him because I felt he didn’t understand, I always pretended I was okay because I he just didn’t show that he was interested so I didn’t feel comfortable expressing my deep feelings.

She passed away and it was so shocking and very sad for my family, but even when I told him and he came over he didn’t offer and sympathy to my family and didn’t really ask how I was so again I just pretended because he just didn’t seem to understand and I wasn’t in the right mind to explain things.

Even the funeral I felt so disrespected, he didn’t seem to want to be there, he yawned multiple times during family speeches in the ceremony. I just felt totally embarrassed and extremely sad. He hugged me but once I stopped crying he just wanted to go home and play games.

Its just a lot of similar things for Christmas and my birthday, I wanted to spend a lot of time with my family but whenever I got up to help out or just do something, he asked why, and wanted me to just be with him the whole time. He knows my family and I felt he didn’t want to be there.

My anxiety got really bad and I started having depression. I just kept pretending I was okay for him because I just wanted him happy but I couldn’t pretend anymore so I just stopped going out, and focused on myself. I felt so bad about myself, I felt like a let down and just not good enough. I stopped going out with him and friends, I stopped seeing as much, I stopped being intimate. I just couldn’t with how I’m feeling and he just didn’t understand. No matter how much I tried to explain. He thinks I don’t care, and it just feels horrible because I want to make him happy but I want to focus on my happiness too.

Being intimate has been such a big thing, he pushes and pushes and it’s pushing me away, I don’t feel good about myself. No matter how much I try to explain to him it always feels like my fault.

Even my mum gets upset because she says I’m being mean to him. I’m just so upset and I feel horrible but I can’t ignore how I feel and I can’t pretend. I don’t know how to make him understand, he says he feels rejected because I’ve not wanted to do as much as I used to.

Ive told him it’s because I’m struggling. What do I do? Thank you

6 Replies 6

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Lilac, welcome again

In a relationship there is only two involved and even though your mum means well, its you and only you and your feelings that matter.

Your BF is self centred judging on the account you've given. This can be intolerable. Immature actions and lack of empathy for others is a good sign of some growing up needed. It just sounds like he only wants one thing from you and as soon as you take that away he feels its all your fault. Frankly he doesn't respect you and your needs are beyond his comprehension. You are not one of his toys.

Love is more than that. Yes, no doubt you love him but true love is much deeper and the love you have is not deep IMO. His love for you is what matters and its for you to judge in terms of deciding if there is a future.

You have a considerate and kind character. You want to help others but he wants someone to play computer games instead- that isn't in line with what you feel free doing. Women have been suppressed in this world long enough, if you want to do something to help someone else then your BF should admire you for that and furthermore encourage you. Instead its all about his wants and desires.

I'm sorry if I come across blunt. You have written in here to seek an honest answer. Stand by your feelings and make a decision. There are so many guys out there that will worship the ground you walk- that's what you deserve.

Repost anytime. We are here for you.

Tony WK

Thank you so much. I really appreciate it, you don’t need to apologise. Knowing someone understands what I’m feeling and is saying what I’m thinking is amazing to me because I really didn’t think I was right for feeling the way I do

Valued Contributor
Valued Contributor

Hi Lilac1,

Of course your feelings matter & you are right to feel the way you do. Your instincts r pushing you in the opposite direction of him for a reason, he simply isn't pulling his weight in the relationship.

I think you both need an open, honest chat with a professional if you want to salvage the relationship if not you might need a break or to go your separate ways- this is up to you to decide.

I feel for you because he is ignorant to your needs...

Feel free to write some more if you need to.

I really appreciate it, knowing my feelings are being heard and you understand how I’m feeling makes me feel so much better.

I’m not very good at expressing myself to others but I’ve really tried with him, I just feel like it’s all my fault, trying to put myself first has really upset him

But again I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong, I’m going through things and I’m trying to focus on myself, I’ve tried to tell him how I feel but I’m still not good enough because I’m not focusing on him.

Hello Lilac

Good move to come here and chat. Welcome. There are times when it is not just good to look after yourself but mandatory. No one else can make your decision and no one else will live with the outcome. You do need to consider your future and what you want.

It always sounds selfish to look after yourself and this is what your BF is playing on. You were, and still are I imagine, upset about your nan's illness and death. It's not easy to lose someone you love very much. This is a time for comfort and care not disinterest from someone you believe cares for you. Would he expect you to care for him if he lost someone dear to him? Or perhaps he does not have anyone dear to him.

If you are going to spend your life with this BF you need to be sure it stands a good chance of success. How does that look from your perspective? Nothing is ever guaranteed I know but we do need to have a high probability. The need to pretend to keep the relationship viable is too high a price to pay. You cannot keep it up forever and you will emerge more damaged than you are at present.

So think carefully about what you want from a partner. To be happy with each other and know you can rely on each other. To accept each other's foibles may be hard at times but living with disinterest, playing second fiddle to computer games and used and abused at his pleasure is not a good picture.

So think hard and see if he can change. Maybe he needs couples counselling on his own.

Please write in as often as you wish.


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello Lilac1, I see you have a few post counts but I still want to welcome you.

I'm terribly sorry about the passing of your nan especially as you were close to her.

You're in a relationship where your b/friend only wants one thing, unfortunately he doesn't have what you want an emotional connection, to show you love and care which you are after.

You can't keep pretending to him, to your mum or to anyone else, it's too exhausting, you're too tired and you want him to show you some affection and understanding.

The first rule is to look after yourself, but at the moment you're upset because you are trying to please everybody else and not look after yourself.

You can't keep pleasing other people when you don't feel happy yourself, so please go and see your doctor, and it would be nice to hear back from you. Geoff.