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Should I keep trying?

Community Member

8 months ago I found my husband of 21 years on dating/hookup sites. I confronted him and of course he denied it. I told him if he was cheating on me and our 4 children to leave. He left that day..

There was alot of anger and abusive texts blaming me for the seperation in the beginning but he just kept saying he needed time and space from me. I remained in our home with the children and was absolutely devastated. I had always been supported him and once he left, our world turned upside down. I started to study nursing to be able to return to the workforce and provide for my children. Ive now graduated and have started working for the first time in almost 20 years.

Since starting working there has been alot of mixed signs from my husband and I feel confused. He has had little to no contact with the kids since leaving and one day is abusive through text messages and the next day asking if I need any help just to let him know. I have needed help with a few things around the house and he has been happy to assist.

Just in recent weeks I went to call in to visit him with one of our daughters and he was not there but we were greeted by a woman who admitted to being a prostitute and was staying with him for a few days. She also admitted to alot having alot sexual encounters with my husband but it was strictly business. We also found a glass pipe and drugs on the premises. My husband has never been one to take these sort of drugs so I was shocked that this kind of activity was going on.

I asked him about this and denied any wrong doing here also and said he was just helping her out with a place to stay.

I feel confused because he constantly abuses me via text message but when face to face couldnt be a nicer person to me. He helps me out with the house and financially when he doesnt have any obligation to do so. For example, 3 weeks ago purchased a brand new laenmower for me and called in on the weekend with a beautiful 6 burner BBQ for us to use here at home. Between those times though received many hurtful messages via text saying he wants to watch me suffer and struggle?

I just dont understand if its a cry for help or if he has some kind of mental issues. We shared 21 years together and 4 beautiful kids, I dont feel like I can turn my back on him even though the he has said we are completely over.

Am I just holding on to something that should have been forgotten the day I confronted him about cheating and he left??


8 Replies 8

Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear Heartbrokenmum~

I'm not in the slightest surprised you are confused and don't know what to make of it all.

Before saying anything else I'd like to express my admiration for your qualification. As one whose first partner was a sister, and now has an offspring who graduated nursing as a mature age student I've a pretty good idea how hard it would have been - particularly as a mother with 4 children.

I guess if you can succeed at that you can do just about anything.

Now your husband started this whole thing by using those sites, and by your account did not try to stay and patch things up but simply left straight away. Since then you have been receiving extremely mixed messages, abuse in your absence and helpful friendliness in your presence.

His lifestyle is not what you expected, with him living with another woman in a situation where drugs are present. Add to that the fact he has not been enthusiastic about seeing the children.

As a result of his unpredictable behavior I'd not think him either trustworthy or reliable.

I'd have to ask if it is drugs that are affecting him, which I'd imagine is quite likely, or if it is some other psychological problem. Either way your opportunities to do much are very limited. You now have your career and children and while I'm sure you would help him if you could I don't really see how.

If it was me I'd cautiously accept any friendship offered, he is the children's father after all, but be on guard and try to build yourself a new life apart from him.

Do you have family or friends to rely upon and help now that you are back working?


Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni
Hello Heartbrokenmum, please let me welcome you to the forum and to achieve a graduation in nursing means you have excelled yourself, well done.

It's sad that your husband has cheated on you and now he's living with a prostitute, however when he is sober he buys goods as well as financially contributing to help you out, that's good in one way but it's destroyed by what else he does to you.

There could be a reason why he sends you horrible texts messages is that he has been using the drugs, which he denies, but if it's on the premises then there's a chance he may.

The next day or so he feels as though he has to make up with you.

You have asked us a question, so I don't believe you will be happy, because you will always be checking on him, and as Croix has said 'he will be untrustworthy and unreliable', I'm truly sorry foryou and the children. Geoff.

Thanks for your replies. It feels a little like riding an emotional rollercoaster with the mixed feelings about this situation. I've tried to remain friends during the separation for the kids sake but think it might be best for all of us to just stop contact as hard as that will be. I worry for him which is probably a normal reaction after being together for so long.

Hi Heartbrokenmum, thanks for getting back to us and as sad as it may seem to be it's a decision you need to make for yourself and the kids.

They will need your love, your stability, and you will worry about him because you care for him.

I still love my ex-wife, but we couldn't live together anymore, while she cares for me. Geoff.

Its a tough decision and Im finding it so hard to let go of our relationship even though hes making it pretty clear he has already. I struggle to stop thinking about him and its starting to affect my daily living. I was so much stronger in the last few months but now I have discovered these new thinfgs in the past few week, Im feel lile Im back at square one. Sorry if I sould like Im rambling on, I just find it seems to help but talking and feeling someone is hearing me.

Dear Heartbrokenmum~

Geoff, I and others do hear you and understand. There is no way this can happen to such a large part of your past without it putting you on that roller-coaster of thoughts and emotions, it's only natural, you put a great deal of yourself into that relationship.

You mentioned stopping contact. I would think that might be a wise move for you personally, at least for the moment. The more chance you have to gain perspective and start to organize a new way of life the better.

Do you mind if I ask how your children are getting on? I'm sure it is very hard to decide what to do for their sakes. I think I would be worrying that the poisonous words he sends in texts might come out in front of them.


Surprisingly my children are coping quiet well with the whole situation. They missed him at first but all say he never made alot of time for them so the adjustment was quite easy getting used to not having him here. I feel the non contact will do us all the world of good, I really need to focus on the children and our new life without him.

I know I cannot help him if he isnt wanting to change and help himself. I just feel sad for our children but I guess its for the best.

Thank you all for your replies, its really helped me rethink and remember to put us first. My children and I will get through this together and come out shining on the other side 🙂

Dear Heartbrokenmum~

I'm glad the children are taking the whole matter so calmly at the moment. I'd expect as with you there will be ups and downs.

I really like what you said and believe you will do it:

My children and I will get through this together and come out shining on the other side 🙂

You are always welcome here