Should I hold on to or let go of my partner with depression?

[HumbleBumble]

I’m a nineteen-year-old female with a boyfriend I haven’t seen for two whole months since he fell into another episode of his previously diagnosed clinical depression. I thought it wouldn’t last for long because now he’s got me – someone who loves him to infinity and who has treated him better than anyone else in his life has – but boy was I wrong.

I’ve dealt with having a friend in school who had depression, and the only thing I could do for myself in the end was stop being friends with them because they were constantly bringing me down along with them and I couldn’t handle it anymore. However, my current situation is different because I’m actually in a relationship with this person and I’d do absolutely anything to keep what we used to have a possibility for the near future, although I know there’s a certain time I won’t be able to stand it anymore, and I can feel it getting closer now that we’re at the two month mark.

My boyfriend has told me that he hates and is embarrassed of himself, isn’t worth it, doesn’t want to be around people at all, isn’t passionate about anything and doesn’t see what the point of life is. Hearing this constantly is destroying me, but I’m trying my hardest to hold on for him because he’s expressed that he doesn’t want to break up with me by saying things such as “People I have yet to meet...” [talking about my family and friends], but I just don’t know what to do anymore. He isn’t seeking help and doesn’t want to, so what am I supposed to do?

I miss how we used to be so badly. All the sweet words, spending time together, cuddles, kisses and intimate times are only some of the things I really crave in life, and not receiving any of it for two whole months has driven me insane. I believe that this boy deserves the entire world after what he’s been through in life, and I want to be the one who can give that to him because I’m so in love with this gentle human. He’s everything I could ever want in a significant other, but the universe is really testing me.

I’m so lost. Someone please help me by letting me know what actions to take in regards to this situation. I love him so much, but should I focus more on myself and what I need in a healthy relationship?

[white knight]

Hi HB, welcome

I'm a very positive individual regardless of my mental health conditions but I'm also a realist, the truth hurts but it is always the best way forward.

Two months seems to me to be far too long since any meaningful conversation and words of love and care. There is a saying
who cares for the carer"? and it refers to people like you that one day might live with a person with mental health issues. In your case, say you lived together, then he has a bout of depression...does that mean you wont see him for 2 months? That would be totally unacceptable. Having depression should not mean abandoning your loved one for so long imo.

I've sometimes told my wife I need time out, eg time alone. That lasts for a few hours then I reconnect as I know she is hurting if I remain aloof. Caring for her and her feelings is also my responsibility ...depression should not stop me from doing so.

Can you read these threads - just the first post of each might be enough

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/caring-for-your-'well'-partner#qf_8anHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/relationship-split#qoSRYHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Finally, start filling your life with activities until you are so exhausted you fall to sleep easier. Idol minds means more hurt.

Repost anytime.

TonyWK

[PsychedelicFur]

Hello there HumbleBumble,

thank you so much for posting on here. Such a warm welcome to you.

This is a very difficult situation. I can empathise and feel sympathy towards how you must be feeling. This must be a very upsetting and difficult situation for you.

I was in a relationship with someone who was giving me the bare minimum of affection and support that I really wanted. Like your partner, mine had depression too.

Try writing down pros and cons for your situation. And ask yourself constantly ‘how does this make YOU YOU feel?’ Think about your needs and things you want out of a healthy relationship.

Always check in on yourself and prioritise your self care. You deserve happiness. And by the sounds of things you sound like a very caring and wonderful human being. So please never change that caring side of yourself!

Try focusing on yourself more. It is overwhelming to think what life would be like without this person that you are so in love with. I know, I have been in a very similar situation to you. You should still care about him and try and check in regularly on him to let him know you still care. However please take care of yourself and look after your own needs.

This is a decision that you have to think very carefully about. Give yourself time. And as dreadful this sounds ... but it is the truth, that only you can make this decision. I would recommend.. trusting your intuition.. And please please please don’t force yourself to make any decision just right now.

all the best, here if you need.

take care of yourself Lovely.

PsychedelicFur. Xx

[Guest_3256]

Hi HumbleBumble and welcome.

You are doing an amazing job and being very supportive, caring and loving of your partner.

Sometimes in healthy relationships, what your partner experiences, you experience and vice versa.

[maddie_faye]

I’m currently going through the exact same thing with my boyfriend, it’s very hard on both of us and he’s in denial/doesn’t want to get help. His depressive episode started around March and since April or may we only see each other once a month compared to basically every weekend when he was well. 

[ecomama]

Dear maddie_faye

Welcome to the forums and I hope you can get some support for the situation with your bf. 

Just a quick leg up... you may receive more responses if you begin a Thread of your own. This one is "pretty old" but if you read some of the responses, it could help you? 

Re: your situation. I want you to think about some questions and feel free to answer them in writing here too if you feel inclined. 
~ do you feel confused? 
~ how are your own energy levels? 
~ have you done some reading about depression? 

Now imagine a scenario where in 5 or 10 years, possibly even 10 month's, time... you have a baby with this person in his current state of mind. 
It's not pretty. 

Gently I want to encourage you to move this relationship into the friendship zone, at best. 

There are so many reasons I say this and hope you can come to realisations of your own. 

If you wanted to talk this through with someone who is qualified to support you, you can phone the BB Helpline and depending upon your age, possibly get online support via e-Headspace. 

Otherwise and simultaneously too, you are ALWAYS welcome to share your story and your journey on the forums. 

Love EM