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Should I give him a second chance? (Emotional abuse)

Community Member
Hi, this hard for me to write so please be kind. My partner has subjected me to what I now recognise as emotional abuse for around 10 years. Each instance by itself isn't a big deal, but when I cataloged them, they do show a pattern of abuse. Then things escalated. As I started withdrawing due to the abuse, he started watching porn. He buried himself in his phone and disconnected. Then one day I found out that he had been taking photos of me naked while I had been sleeping on 3-4 occasions that I know of. These were taken without my consent or knowledge. I felt sick and disgusted and I felt like I didn't know him anymore. I wondered what else I hadn't found out. He swears he never shared the photos. I asked him to leave and for the last 3 months he had been doing alot of work with a psychologist on understanding why he did what he did and how to improve our relationship. He has respected my boundaries and really wants to make things work. He is remorseful. Part of me thinks people like this never change and part wants to go on a date with him to see if I have any feelings for him and whether I think things could work. I am scared as it is a big risk to have escaped for 3 months and to go back. Any advice would be much appreciated. Thank you
4 Replies 4

Community Member
Hi 1980,

Thank you for reaching out and sharing. Well done for putting you first and asking him to leave. I can see you feel that was right for you and I am glad you honored that for yourself. The only one suggestion I have is to think about how you FEEL and trust that instinct. If you FEEL it is not right to go on a date with him, honor that. If you FEEL scared, look at it and ask why you feel that way? Being scared and frightened may be not a good start to a nice date? I am not sure for you, however it is just my thoughts only. I feel maybe three months is quite a short time to work through things for you. Your feelings, thoughts, hurts, emotions and pain. Perhaps maybe some more time out for you or perhaps you feel you have had enough time out and would like to go on that date. It is completely up to you, these are just some things to think about if you want to. Be kind, good and gentle on yourself during this time. You are worth that.


Community Member

Hello 1980

I agree with 2quik. Three months is not a long time and I can’t help being pessimistic in cases like yours.

Ten years of emotional abuse is inexcusable in my view. Even if he has changed (which I doubt), you deserve better. He had his opportunity with you and he blew it, big time.

I congratulate you on your resolve in giving him his marching orders. If you open the door to him again, I fear you will regret it.

Community Member

Hi 1980

It's difficult because we are brought up to give others second chances and I guess we all have hope that maybe people can change. I agree with 2quik I think you need to concentrate on your feelings about the date and how you honestly feel about him. Don't feel pressured because he is doing work on himself, although that is a good thing it is not reason enough for you to ignore your gut instincts and your feelings on this. You come first. You should ask yourself honestly "Do I really want to see him, do I want him in my life?" Whatever you decide make sure it comes from what is best for you, not what he wants for himself.

Community Member
Thank you everyone. I really appreciate your feedback