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Hi, I've been in a relationship with my partner for over 7 years now. We've had some ups and downs and were engaged until a few months ago but no wedding now.
She broke it off about 9 months ago and about 6 weeks later we were back together. I was unaware until about a couple of months later that she was seeing someone from her work during that time even though she denied it several times until finally admitting.
Since being back together things have slowly improved. We sleep in the same bed, hug and act like a couple in everyone else's eyes but there has been no sex since getting back together.
Ive suggested couples therapy several times but with no luck. I've seen a therapist for a few months to cope with the depression and lack of self worth but really at a loss what to do next. I love her and I think she still loves me but the lack of intimacy is killing me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
An important ingredient is missing from your relationship but compounding that is the relationship she had when separated. Yes, she could do as she pleased when not together, however not making love together since reunification poses some questions that I'd be asking myself also if in your situation. Why?
Is it because she still has feelings for that other guy? Is her feelings for you of the same intensity as yours for her? Are you not doing something that she craves in order for her to respond? Is she not doing the same?
The answer to your issues on this topic is subjective- others could respond very differently. So I'll give you my thoughts.
By not attending any form of relationship counseling is not a good sign of her commitment to you. Her concern that you have concerns substantial enough to be dissatisfied should be her concern too. The absence of such concern is enough for me to question my future with her if I was in your situation.
No doubt you love her. I ask you to consider a fact- that there are many more other women out there that would be very satisfied with your commitment level and fall in love with you if you were to restart your life without this lady.
That's my thoughts. I've been in a loving relationship (35 years ago!) that had everything as perfect as it could be- but lacked commitment. I made the life changing decision to end it after 6 years. No regrets, after the first month or two of grief I prospered into other options. I met up with her by accident a few years ago and oddly enough found out she had had several relationships since and never committed to any of them.
I was glad I moved on. So give it your best effort to get her to counseling. Your love for her deserves that. Then if no go, you've tried.
Well done in seeking opinions as doubts feed guilt down the track.
Thank you so much for the advice.
She returned today after a weeks interstate trip (left with 2 days notice without any prior discussion). This was 3rd trip in the last 5 months without any consultation and this has caused me to feel a real lack of respect.
She has said today she has acted like a "teenager" and is ashamed how she has treated me the last few months. I have again suggested couples therapy but at least there was no flat answer of "no" yet. Maybe because I have mentioned I am considering moving back interstate.
I just don't know what is the best thing to do when we have gone through so much together, bad but also so much good.
Their a big gap that emotionally is still yet to be filled. Going from getting married to calling it off and back to dating again is a lot of emotions and processing required.
I think Whiteknight has wonderfully mentioned everything and I think if you want to stay in the relationship it going to be one when it going to take more time to get back to the level you once were before. Too much in the short term has happened. Time may help.
All the best.