Sexless Relationship is causing me Anxiety

[JesseLou]

Thanks anyone for reading my thread.

My Partner was diagnosed with depression about 1.5 years into our relationship, he blames me for it but his past relationships & his family history were all very traumatic. We have been together just over 3 years now & I havent met 1 family member, (he says they fell out years ago) I havent met 1 friend in the time we have been together, which I have felt is unusual & also means he has no support except me.. at first we had good sex fairly regularly, within 1 year he was making excuses, too tired, too full (food) too overweight or just about anything to avoid it.. Then we bought a house last Jan & since then we have had sex once.. I have caught him talking to other women 6-7 times on dating Apps & when I asked why he did this, he said these women say nice things to him (& he is not particularly remorseful) we have always shared nice texts, & spoiling each other with gifts & lovely notes etc.. I thought apart from the sex issue that we were doing ok ?

He is on a very high dose of anti depressants & I thought that may be why his libido was low but if that was the case why would you talk to other women.. he was cheated on in his last relationship & always hated cheating people so I can not even understand that he would do it to me?!!

He has been seeing a therapist & now a new sex therapist but so far nothing has helped us. Why am I writing this? I'm starting to really suffer from no sex.. like I wake up sad about it & I have asked him to just touch me if thats all we can manage but has no interest in that either? He goes to work at 5am & gets home at 6.30pm everyday & is exhausted but he has been bankrupt in his life & now isnt & is scared to earn less so will not cut back his hours... im so scared we will split up as I need to have sex & I want to have it with him but I cant live in a sexless relationship, I love him, what can I do??

We have had relationship counselling, he is now seeing a sex therapist, he says he loves me & is interested but cant do it...?

I went to my GP once & started crying about it & she has now put me on low dose anxiety meds

He gets angry if we talk about it.. Help???

[Quercus]

Hi JesseLou and welcome to the forums.

Saying what a bloody awful situation is an understatement. No wonder you are feeling so low.

You have recognised the obvious... If the relationship continues like this it will end. So it sounds like time to make some hard decisions and speak up with your partner whether it makes him angry or not.

This situation is hurting you. You've started meds because of it after all.

If you were brutally honest to yourself what is your gut feeling? Do you think it is possible he is rejecting you because he is afraid of you leaving him? Depression makes us believe some truly random things. If our self esteem is low and the black dog is whispering in our ears sometimes we can lash out and reject others first to attempt to guard ourselves from being hurt. I do this anyway. Maybe he is too.

What do you think?

When he said he likes writing to other women 'because they say nice things' do you ever wonder if he is trying to build his self esteem?

Seeing as the no sex is at a breaking point do you have anything to lose by trying something new or being bluntly honest with him?

** offensive warning mild sexual content***

My husband and I are usually fairly content but at times he gets caught up with shift work and exhaustion and I start to get fed up with lack of attention. So I decided to remove the pressure on him.

I would strip and make it clear I'm making time for my own pleasure and tell him I'd love it best if he watched. Then walk away. The fact that he had no pressure to do or want anything but that I wanted HIS company seemed to be enough for him.

And usually it ends up with the result I am aiming for. Sex. But if not at least it is obvious to him I don't want anyone else. I'm not seeking sex elsewhere. I want him and have found a method that is sustainable in a monogamous relationship.

Would this be an option for you?

I do think it is reasonable for you to say the dating apps need to stop. And to ask for reassurance of his faithfulness (it is reasonable to know if you require an STD test after all!). It might also be a good way to tell him you are willing to compromise and find a way to manage his low sex drive. But that involves being willing too.

If neither of you are able to compromise and work on your intimacy is this relationship viable or is it time to move on?

At some point you need to put your health and wellbeing first. Yes you love him and he is unwell. But you matter too.

Here if you need to talk.

Nat