Sexless marriage due to past issues

[123Frustratedman]

Where to start!

I am a 67 year old married man.

My first marriage was when I was 19. Not sure if I was fully in love or just loved her legs. Our honeymoon night was the start of the downhill relationship as she said she was tired and wanted to sleep. I sat out on the balcony of our hotel on my own drinking. The lack of intimacy lasted throughout the 7 years of our marriage until I left. No one else was involved and I moved in with my parents. After a few relationships I met my now wife of 37 years. The first 2 years of our relationship was amazing in every way, especially in the bedroom. Some 2 months before we married she told me not to expect the honeymoon period to last. I must have been Nieve as I had never heard that expression before. Sure enough our intimacy virtually ended and has since we got married. The only times that she initiated sex was when she wanted to conceive or she was drunk and stoned.

during our marriage we experienced problems with her family and she gained an enormous amount of weight to the point that not only was it very unhealthy but I also found her unattractive. I had always been honest with her and told her the few times that a women had flirted or wanted to sleep with me, which I never had as my vows are sacred to me.I admit that I held a grudge towards her from the day that our intimacy declined/ stopped and found it difficult to be as loving as maybe I should have been, but I felt so undesired, un attractive and unwanted.

we have on many occasions gone for over a year with no intimacy. We have been and still are going to marriage guidance that has helped me understand that some of the things I said in the past upset her, especially about her weight.

She tells me that I have to love her unconditionally and she need me to treat her as my princess. I have asked her to explain unconditionally but she will not.

I have changed the way that I treat her, I constantly cuddle her, tell her I love her as well as doing virtually everything around the house as we are both now retired. She has been on anti depressants for over 30 years and I believe that childhood drama has something to do with it.Now whenever she drinks, which is virtually every night she constantly brings up the past. We have gone over the same things to which I have sincerely appoligesed and agreed that I was wrong for saying some of the things that I said.

the arguments are getting to the stage where I can no longer deal with them anymore.

[randomxx]

Hi there op and sorry about the situation

Can't believe though the honey moon period was around way back then l thought it was just yet another piece of Americanism taking over the world with all their other new terms and labels and stats and blah blah these days. But never the less, what a thing to say how disheartening for you so early into your marriage. She was warning you right there she was going to just let it all go later on. And l just don't know about this weight thing either sorry.To me it's a little insulting, as if she didn't care or respect me enough to bother back in my own marriage into the last 5 or 6 yrs.She'd always had before that 15yrs or so. You know, to me yeah desire does come from love and emotions about for ea other too of course but it also comes from the physical and attraction too and that can come from the love and emotion as well it's all mixed in but with a big 1/2 of the whole thing thrown out the window for me it just couldn't work, and l felt disrespected too which just rubbed salt into it all.

The way your w is acting now as compared to yourself it sounds like too your putting in all the effort and change but she still isn't. Especially when she's drinking she's still taunting with it all and it doesn't sound like much is going to change either sorry to say. l don't know but if it was me l'd have to give up sorry, especially at 37yrs when she's still just treating it all the way she is after all this time.lt's like the other one is controlling your life and happiness with their bs.

rx

[therising]

Hi 123Frustratedman

As a 53yo gal who's been married to the same guy for 21 years, not sure if my perspective will help but it might perhaps explain some of what's possibly going on in the head of your wife.

I'm wondering whether your wife knows what unconditional love means to her. Maybe she doesn't actually know and that's why she can't offer you a definition. Wondering if anyone's ever led her to define it in a way she can relate to. Personally, and I could have it completely wrong, I think love is actually conditional whether we admit to it or not. I've found in order for love to be felt, it has to keep evolving just like it does in the 'honeymoon' phase, for love's not stagnant by nature. I think we need to evolve in a number of ways (our self) in order to meet our partner's growing and changing needs at different times, otherwise it's a sense of separation that can be felt the most. For example, if my husband evolved to start playing golf every Friday for mental and physical health reasons and I refused to let go of Friday time with him, I'm technically not evolving/loving him in a way he really needs me to. So, you could say if your wife's lost to emotional eating and self hatred, she may be served best in you loving her to life through some new and exciting forms of food and exercise you can both relate to experiencing together. Researching or imagining ways where she can begin to feel a sense of self love could be another area. We can't feel, express and share what we don't have (a sense of self love included). When peace, happiness and excitement can only be felt through food alone, there are underlying issues, like depression perhaps.

Yes, women tend to 'keep score'. I don't think it's a conscious thing, I think it's just the way our calculators/processors (brains) simply work. Kind of like with hearing variations on 'You're overweight + I could have just about any woman I wanted + you don't serve me in bed + I can't stand you making me so unhappy' could add up over time. In a woman's mind it could all feel like, be interpreted as and = 'I'm not attracted to you and by the way I could do better any time I wanted, based on all the offers I tell you about. Also, you're a depressing and somewhat useless partner at times'. While basic and factual observations or comments aren't expressed in order to make a partner feel worthless, this is what they can all add up to or feel like over time (an equation involving a growing sense of worthlessness). Btw, alcohol helps switch off the 'score keeper' or 'calculating' aspect of a person. Also tends to trigger the carefree or 'Not a care in the world' part of us to come to life, like with during sex.

Another of my conditions for loving can involve a healthy sense of 'wonder'. Whether it involves my husband, a sibling, one of my kids or someone else, sometimes it's not enough for them to simply apologise. In order for me to deeply feel certain apologies, they have to be willing to wonder why they behaved in the way they did or why they said what they said. The apology needs to be a reasonable one (offering reason). Should add, I give what I expect. When I apologise for my words or behaviour, I explain why I wasn't conscious of what I said or did. It's proof that I've evolved to not say or do it again. I think it's partly about alleviating people's fears of repeat behaviour, so that they're not left dreading. If someone says 'Sorry, that's just me' it can feel like an empty apology before they eventually behave like 'themself' again in the future.

As I say, not sure if that helps explain some things. Just some of the stuff I've worked out for myself over the years. Also, when it comes to sexual energy, definitely tough when we've got no one to express or experience that kind of energy with. It can be an incredible, liberating and seriously exciting form of energy. Can be so many different reasons for why a partner's vibing low when it comes to that type of energy (including mental, physical and even soulful reasons for the sometimes serious and frustrating lack of it).