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Sexless marriage, do I stay?

KatJD
Community Member
I have been married to my husband for over 10 years now, we are both 32.
We have 2 kids together and he does FIFO ( 2 and 1 )
After we got married the sex dwindled to once every two months.
For the last 5 years, we on average have sex twice a year, if I am lucky.
With not having sex for over a year!

I always initiate and get rejected a lot by him with some excuse he has.
At times he gets angry at me for asking, like I should say nothing because he just does not feel it.
I know he is self conscious of his size but I have reassured him that it is not the case.
He has issues maintaining an erection and will say "see I told you I don't want too"
He maintains he's not interested at all.
I try to build up his confidence and tell him I love him, I want him etc

It has started to really affect me mentally to the point of breaking down.
I feel like I am not good enough, he doesn't want me, he's with someone else...
I cry most nights because of it, only when he's on his 2 weeks working away so he can't see me.

I have recently spilled all these feeling out to him and how I'm starting to feel I'm not worth breathing anymore.
This is after finding out he booked time off work and deleted the emails.
He had a private Instagram account and purchased flowers twice on his credit card.

I was told his friend used his credit card and he didn't want to tell me because this is how I would react.
The Instagram account was deleted before I could even see it.
The time off was for a boys footy trip and I would get mad if he asked to go, so he just booked it.
I think he was going to pretend to be working away while on a holiday?
He hugged me and helped me breath and sleep, then told me I should go see someone.
The next night he kept getting angry at me about being sad and was he going to get sleep that night or was I going to ask more questions.

He is away again and pretending that everything is ok and that he's answered all my questions and it's done with.
Like nothing even happened while he was recently home.

Am I crazy for feeling these feelings?
I feel I'm spiralling and I can't pull myself out of it.
I keep saying do you want to be in this relationship and he says yes.

*please note*
4 years ago he was going through a rough patch and left for a week because I deserved better and he didn't have strong feelings for me anymore.
He came back and we worked on what was making him depressed.
I wasn't giving up on him or us.
He lost 40 plus kilos and goes mountain bike riding, a lot.
Changed his job and now does FIFO, not local work as he didn't enjoy his work.
He takes more pride and detail in his appearance now and grooms himself, goes to the gym and does his hair.
I work full time so he has a lot of time by himself when he's home and he goes out with his mates a bit to the pub and riding. 
6 Replies 6

Maldives_Dreaming
Community Member

I can sympathise with you as I have been with my partner for just over 3 years and my relationship is not intimate whatsoever, due to him having an injury.

I have voiced my opinion about it on many occasions and asked for more affection/intimacy and I’m met with rejection and shut down each time,it has affected my mental health and I often feel I am unattractive to him as a result.

We do not have children together so in that sense I guess it would be easier for us to part ways.

I don’t have any advice but I just wanted to reach out and let you know that your not alone in feeling like that.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello KatJD, and can I offer you a warm welcome to the forums and sorry for the situation you're in.

The telltale signs are the flowers and his improved appearance, plus a male is capable of 'not maintaining an erection' if the situation doesn't suit or has other intentions in mind, such as having someone else and is a concern.

Perhaps wanting to stay in this relationship is because it provides a stable roof over his head, unfortunately for you, it's inconsistent not knowing what to expect.

I could suggest a couple relationship counselling which has helped many people, however, in your position I'm not sure whether he will agree, although I have no qualifications to determine this, other people may have better suggestions for you, but do recommend you book an appointment with your own doctor.

You have asked us a question 'do I stay', I wish I could say, but if you were a close friend, then I would suggest that a separation may then help you to know where he is and what he's doing, and an answer needs to be known.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

Betternow
Community Member

Hello KatJD

Welcome to the site and I’m sure you will find many readers that can sympathise and have had similar experiences.

When I first got married over forty years ago, we started a family fairly quickly. Within two years we had two children. I was working long hours to try and pay the bills and my wife had her hands full with the kids. She was a stay at home mum, not uncommon in those days. Well, just like you the pressures of work, lack of money and fatigue started to affect our intimacy and sex frequency and quality dwindled. This is not a good thing but neither is it uncommon. It can be fixed but it takes two willing people to get the train back on the tracks. Two willing people that are open, honest and communicate constantly to put things back together. Your post says your husband is unwilling to be one of those willing spouses.

You are right to be concerned. Lack of intimacy in a marriage is a sign of growing apart and unless there is a course correction, it usually means the marriage will end. A major red flag that stands out in your post is that your husband refuses to engage in discussion, and he is grooming and taking care of his appearance more than ever but you don’t seem to be the beneficiary of his new image. Then there is the cancellation of his online accounts. Obviously, I can’t say he is definitely having an affair but the signs shouldn’t be ignored.

You are not crazy in having these feelings. Your gut instincts have a role in your decisions. I agree with Geoff that if you were my close friend I would advise you to seperate from your husband. You are very unhappy, your husband is offering little support and there are trust issues. I wish you well and post again if you need support.

Wilbur1954
Community Member
Hi KATJD
Like others I just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
I have been married for 40 plus years and our sex life has been terrible.
In our early married life and before the kids, my wife would find every excuse not to have sex. In all our married life we have averaged having sex about 6 times per year. And every time we have had sex it has been my instigation not hers. I try to find different ways of having sex to make it more interesting and enjoyable, but she never proposes any thing.
Her rejection of me has made me feel inadequate as a man. We are housemates rather than a married couple. My mates are strong men and because I don't feel like a man anymore I don't go to our quarterly lunches anymore.
I have also tried to encourage my wife to spend time with me by hiring a country cottage over a weekend, but she always finds fault with the cottage, location or timing. But when I proposed that we hire a cottage over new year with our son and his family she was very eager. When I queried her change of heart she said that spending time with me solely would be boring.
I've devoted my time to my wife's needs and generally neglected my friends to the point I don't really have friends.
All these issues make me feel so lonely. I guess the common thread for a lot of these posts is loneliness.
I hope you can resolve the problems with your spouse.

PS We do have kids but had a lot of issues conceiving. We had to use ovulation charts etc and had to time our sex accordingly. So while we trying for kids the sex was more regular it was so clinical because of the pressure to be successful in an ovulation cycle.

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hello.

Welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out for support on the matter.

I can imagine how difficult this issue must be to experience, however, chin up, there is always light at the end of the tunnel.

Sometimes, especially in longer relationships/marriges, we all get court up in lifes big events and we forget what brough us together in the beginning and the things that sparked up the relationship. Relationships do not take work, they are work and comprehensive. Ther's no novel, there is no process, it's simply love in between.

My advise would be to make sure your partner clearly knows your boundries. This is a must. There is some kind of strange control in relastionships and sometimes one partner gains more over the other. Your partner must clearnly understnad you wants and needs and you must clearly explain to him why his behavour is unaccetable.

You could try pulling back from him and maybe even given him a dose of his own medicine by focusing on your mental and physical health and building yourself up as much as you can, you will, especially for his attitude.

Have you thought about ways of spicing up your relationship or comming up with ideas to do for the both of you that you two would enjoy. Maybe try doing something that you both did when you first met. Try setting more time for bonding and building a better and closer connection. You want to bring the itimacy and passion back in.

🙂

Guest_3256
Community Member

Hello.

Welcome to the forum and well done for reaching out for support on the matter.

I can imagine how difficult this issue must be to experience, however, chin up, there is always light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes, especially in longer relationships/marriages, we all get court up in life's big events and we forget what brought us together in the beginning and the things that sparked up the relationship. Relationships do not take work, they are work and comprehensive. There's no novel, there is no process, it's simply love in between.

My advise would be to make sure your partner clearly knows your boundaries. This is a must. There is some kind of strange control in relationships and sometimes one partner gains more over the other. Your partner must clearly understand you wants and needs and you must clearly explain to him why his behavior is unacceptable.

You could try pulling back from him and maybe even given him a dose of his own medicine by focusing on your mental and physical health and building yourself up as much as you can, you will, especially for his attitude.

Have you thought about ways of spicing up your relationship or coming up with ideas to do for the both of you that you two would enjoy. Maybe try doing something that you both did when you first met. Try setting more time for bonding and building a better and closer connection. You want to bring the intimacy and passion back in.

🙂