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Sex & intimacy in Relationships. Monogamy, polygamy, polyamorous, asexual, sexless, open, variable, intimate and consentual.

Community Member

G'day Everyone I hope you are all happy healthy and wise! Welcome to a thread where we shall discuss Sex in Relationships.

Please follow all the guidelines about the topic already published on bb and please use the report post to keep the topic civilised thx.

So as I always do when I come to a new place I seek out the values and rules of the community and see how those ideals relate to myself and my perceptions of others, and around and around up and down, inside out and outside in, left n right, and a dance about it all too!

Fidelity is a huge topic for long term relationships here in Australia. The standard aussie cis-position idealised is, man+woman become husband and wife and have great monogamous sex for a lifetime, if the kids don't interfere! Reality is much less idealised for many... but might be just as "healthy" regardless!

On BB I see a lot of people who are hurt by the infidelity of partners. I see a lot of people who are hurt by the lack of intimacy in a relationship. I see people acknowledging shallow sex in casual relationships is unfulfilling.

Sexless is defined as less than 3 times a year by some sources, others hold less than once a month or 10 times a year as low sex frequencies.

Hypersexuality is considered to be thinking and feeling sexual so often that it interferes with work, relationships and life in general.

So between sexless and hypersexuality outliers are the positions of auto-erotic and polyamorous. That being sex with oneself only, and sex with multiple consenting and informed partners.

And we reject in this thread all the horrible nastiness of non-consenting sex, in this thread we come in as people seeking ways to negotiate consenting fulfilling and healthy sex inside of relationships.

So lets start with me... online I can fall in love with somebody just by reading their words, apparently this is called "pansexual", but for me it is more akin to platonic love having nothing sexual about the feeling. In the physical world I am bisexual, monogamous and loyal inside a long term marriage as a husband to a wife I deeply love.

By the definitions above, I am also in a sexless marriage... and I am frustrated about that. What do I do?

3 Replies 3

Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello David, whatever type of relationship you're in, there does come a point in time when your age dictates when you no longer care about having sex.

It's different than being a 16 year old where having sex is certainly of high priority, but now that I'm 66 I no longer care about it, our interruption is having a kiss and a cuddle from someone we're attracted to.

Old age may make you wiser, but in return, there are so many physical hiccups we'd much rather not have.

Best wishes.


Community Member

Hi geoff, thanks for your response. Unfortunately age and mobility have become issues for us in the bedroom. Some things that used to be fun are now painful, and wife n i have a bit of a laugh at that.

Community Member

So let's explore an experience i had...

That time I was living with a woman back in the mid to late 90's. I came home from a hard day at work thinking, sweet I'm gonna grab a bit of tucker after I brush the sweat and grime off my body from being a bicycle courier for 9 hours.

After getting a bit refreshed I recall entering the kitchen and seeing two pasty items bagged up on the top of the fridge. Cool, hey T_, I see we have some pastries on top of the fridge, can I have one please?

"No. I was going to give one to you, but since you asked, I'm not going to now." Was her exact reply, and I remember it quite clearly, it stung right to my core, my jaw dropped and I looked a bit harder at her, grabbed my cycling gear and went for a ride.
I broke up with her when I came back, and I am grateful for doing so – without any disrespect implied.

My dad, well he had more colourful things to say about T_’s actions, but me, I thought, yep, somehow I gave her the impression that I was asking too much, that I should stop being honest and forthright just for her.

But I wasn’t going to deceive her, I wasn’t going to take that pastry without asking, and I wasn’t going to get angry about not being ablggge to ask, I took it onboard and walked away.

Anathema is the exact word I had for T_.

I went from being in a reasonable relationship with an attractive partner in a fairly comfortable place near to work and I had to leave because of my experience of anathema. It was the straw that broke the camels back.

I didn’t shout, I didn’t get violent or abusive, I gave her two weeks notice for the rent and I recall was gone in about three days.